I began working for a domestic violence organization
i realized how messed up things were then
I was represented by legal aid in my divorce and while she was very nice...i was scared to tell her everything
my work in the dv organization showed me a lot
i mainly worked in schools and with juveniles but one of my great friends was a court advocate
she is the one that showed me legal documentations saying (in legal speak) that someone who is taking AD to help in a situation can not have their children taken away (because of the meds) unless they are a proven danger to themselves or others.
my 1st ex was amazingly abusive and had me terrified he never wanted the boys just didn't want me to have them
ok, my dad (I call him Lou) and I went on a MAJOR stake out today!! Lou and h always had a great relationship, so my dad just wanted to be able to sit down and talk with him peacefully.
we drove to his college (he's faculty). and guess what was in the parking lot???? my car!!!! I wanted to have it towed, but Lou, being a very level-headed guy, said "no, let's talk to Cohen (my attny) first." He called cohen and cohen said, don't tow, it'll make things worse, but take pics. h even had a FOR SALE sign on it!!!!
So then we had time to kill. I had only a partial address of where he was living, but tomake a long story short, we found the house with his BRAND-NEW car sitting in driveway.
THEN we went back to the school. Lou called h from the parking lot to see if he was there and his secretary said no. THEN, I called from a payphone about a half-hour later, diguised my voice and said I just saw the car outside as I go to school there ( I don't) and is "Frank" there? (he put his name on the for sale sign). I expressed how intereted I was in the car and that I wanted to show my mom the car asap!! She believed me (she doesn't know me -- she's new, apperently) and said that h WAS in the office. I said, "great, I'll call my mom and we'll call him right back.
so THEN (Lou had called h's office earlier in the day and left a legitimate message that he was his father-in-law and needed to speak with him) -- h called my DAD!
They decided to meet. h had no idea that we were just downstairs in the parking lot. so lou and I waited for about a half hour to make it look like my dad had to drive a bit to get there.
Then lou went inside. (I stayed in car). they were in there for what seemed like 19 hours (it was an hour) and then they came out. I slid down so h couldn't see me. they talked in the parking lot for another hour!!!!!
When my dad got back in car, h left so lou and I drove home.
Lou said h wanted to me to call him last night. I did -- lou also told me everything that was said. bottom line, he did the whole car thing because he was angry that I wouldn't let him in the house friday night, but also lied to my father that the reason he TOOK the car was because he was "concerned" becasue I got into a fender-bender (VERY small) and got a speeding ticket in the same month. (remember, I haven't driven in 20 years due to living in NYC). h is totally lying on that one as i know the REAL reason is because I wouldn't let him in the house and moreover, I wasn't siging papers last week.
So when we got home I called him. he told me that it ws great to talk to Lou (has always loved my dad)) and I told him how much I appreciated that he did. he also said he would give me back my car. I said, "frank we have a second child hearing this friday and I can't guarantee I can get you the papers until then), he said, listen, I'll pick you up if worse comes to worse. he also confirmed this with Lou.
By the way, Monday after a 3 hour session with Lou and my attny, we all decided the best course of action was for ME to file for D(h can't as he has no grounds -- this is a fault state) and that lawyer will negotioate all settlements in writing to send to h by end of week. It's gonna take 18 months for divorce to be final in New York State, anyway.
H had NO IDEA I filed. great lawyer he has as Cohen (attny) had already called h's attny that day to tell him.
So anyway that was Lou and my "Hart to Hart" day. It was actually kind of fun.
So today (later), I will call Cohen (my dad spoke to him) and Cohen and h's lawyer will settle the details of the finances, when I will get car back, Isabella (by the way, it was H who called Social Services on Friday).
I feel relieved (I def. don't want him back -- no f'ing way!!), but we have our 2nd hearing on Friday and I"m still scared of outcome. BUT I was told (not just by Cohen, but my social services rep) that in the courts eyes, if BOTH parents come to an agreement before they get in front of the judge (unless there are clear and obvious signs of major abuse) they will go with what the parents have worked out in terms of custody.
so I told h, let's get everything, including Isabella worked out via us and our lawyers prior to Friday so we can put this behind us.
he agreed. the truth is, he call social services to "play me", scare me because he was angry that I didn't let him in the house, called cops when he pushed past me and also called cops when he took u keeys. he was also angry because earlier in the week we had a confrontation and I told him I didn't want to sign anything until at least the fall (I didn't have the facts that filing for divorce in new york, once you file, it takes a MINIMUM of a year for it to go through).
again, still nervous about social services and friday before the judge, but today my dad and I could have been on a t.v. show!!!
Awful how H is acting. But at least you know he is just trying to play a game, which means his threats are ultimately baseless. Stand your ground. It is weak and pitiful he is using your child to get to you. Your position is strong. His actions are unstable so document them. Let us know how things go. Good luck.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I agree with Sara, get the heck away from this guy!! I'm glad to see you say there's no way you would take him back. Yours is the second story I've read here where I truly thought "OMG get out!!" The other one was even worse, but similarly abusive.
I know this site's mostly about saving marriages, but sometimes that's just not the best thing. I hope we can help you get through the tough times though.
(((Mary)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
h just sold the car he took from my house. he did this while my father and I were at lawyers office. lawyer is putting in motions tomorrow first thing for car and 401K.
also, I had to take a drug test today regarding social services (that h called saying I abuse prescrip drugs). It came back clean of course.
He is a loose cannon. The judge will make him pay you for the value of your investment in the car. Science is on your side. Judges believe drug tests, not angry, vengeful spouses. Your H is about to be taught a lesson in power. He doesn't have any. The judge has it all.
Wow. Can't believe after a relatively calm talk he would just do something so stupid. I am so sorry. I know its very painful to see the man you married and love(d) do these awful things. Almost surreal. I know you must miss your daughter beyond words. Take care.
