It has been an interesting past two days. My thoughts are bouncing all over the place.

Last night, we went over Radical Acceptence and Willfulness vs. Willingness. aka: Letting Go.

Tonight at AlAnon: Patience, being Willing to Wait / stay in the moment / Just for Today--Accept things the way they are
(and, while waiting, practice Gratitude)

All fitting in with the messages here, the IC. Please, let me get this.

Anyone here remember the Seinfeld episode with George's father, screaming: SERENTITY NOW!!!! I have been just as ineffective with all of this! (OK, at least I made myself laugh a little with the memory).

So, I spoke with the IC today about tomorrow's session with stbx. She wanted to make sure that we were on the same page as far as the agenda went. OK, we were a little off. (her internet is down and she missed my email).

Her impression from both stbx and I was that she would explain why I have had such a hard time over the last year--abandonment issues, how he has handled himself, etc. It would not be to rehash why we were in this place (which I agreed). He pretty much came out and told her that I should be over it, and questioned whether therapy was doing anything for me.
I also hoped that we could stop the misinterpretations that he has had over what she has recommended that each of us do--we will all be in the room together, so he can't turn around and tell me that my IC told him to hang up on me, etc.

After thinking about it, I also told her that I'd like him to know that I am much stronger than his current perception allows for (unfortunately, when I have contacted him anytime over the last 6 months, it has always been from a very low, weak place--now, that is all he thinks that I am). For him to understand that I will be fine. I guess as a kind of damage control for my desperation.

To let him know that I am not crazy. As she has said so often, I am right where I am supposed to be in the process. That my actions have not been driven out of selfishness, but a strong belief that things could have been better between us, that marriage is VERY important and the best place to raise children. My rationals, some of the things that I have learned. But also the acceptence that we will be divorced in 9 days.

I will be happy if the animosity is just turned down a notch. That he no longer feels it necessary to "be mean to me on purpose, so as to not raise false hope."

I also told her that I hoped that he would come to understand a little more about me and what happened between us, that it might lead to some forgiveness, and maybe leave the door open a little for him to consider a different path someday in the future.

Sounds like a tall order, huh? Well, I'm not going to talk at all, so we will see what happens....maybe now I will finally be able to Shut Up.