In the funk lately but slowly, slowly coming out of it. I do feel better but the anger and fear of the future are still there.
Divorce is very hard to take.
I have stopped work on the house. After the washer/dryer was in I lost interest.
Pig-pen city here. Uckk.
I do feel differently than I did but nothing has changed really. I am more aware now and I know what needs to be improved but I just am not morphing into that new, wonderful man. I really doubt I will ever change really.
I have read the books. But putting it into practice? Well..............
I hold back when it comes to women. I tell myself I am not ready but I wonder if that is just fear talking. No need to wonder - I know the answer. So do not want to be hurt again, to the point I look down on women in general. Even today, one tried to talk to me in the elevator, smiled and all - I just wanted to escape.
Notice my words: "one tried...". Sounds like I was describing something not human.
Maybe that is why work on the house has stopped. Can't romance anyone here since the place is such a mess.
Yea, makes no sense.
Don't scold me.
June is my time with the kids. Ex cannot stand it, her whole life is the kids. She called a few days ago wanting to bring something over that was unnecessary. Just to see them. I said no (nicely). Today she emailed and wanted to take the kids to a ballgame tonight; her friend's kids were playing (those kids and mine are friends). Guilt trip. I said no. I wonder if my inner little boy said no or I said it b/c she takes and takes and runs these guilt trips on me (kids would have wanted to go) and offers nothing in return.
Nothing.
She so misses the kids but cannot understand that I do too. Just as much. The kids deserve a father too so I plan not to give up time with them. She never does even though she gets 60% time with them.
Ex needs to get laid.
So do I.
Should have listened when others talked about equal placement for the kids. Should have listened.
But kids and I had fun this evening: we ate some great pasta and watched NCIS.
That rocks.
Vacation this month - kids want to go back to Tenn. They really like it there and there is so much for kids to do. I could try something new like Disney or Six Flags but those places are far and more demanding (cost, crowds, etc). Something new sounds good but so does the known. May consider renting a cabin in Tenn this year to be somewhat different. I will decide next week.
Hope you all are doing well.
We just saw the Indiana Jones movie. Good and not so, but overall worth the ticket. At the end one character says: we waste so much of our lives waiting.
