Hi Grace, He tried to reach out to his dad a few years ago, when he first got sick. He was rebuffed and got a nasty (and I mean NASTY) letter back shortly after.
Another positive: H put his ring back on today. It makes me whenever I look at it.
Some us have discovered that piecing is harder than standing, once the shine of 'Their Back!' is gone. : )
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I'm having difficulties trusting, I have my doubts about the gambling and he hasn't been very open with his money issues. I keep thinking about how he left me and the kids- how could he do that? Will he leave again? It still haunts me.
He is back right? He made a choice to come back, just because he did doesn't mean you don't stand up for yourself, or he gets to walk all over you. If this is a concern adress it with him. You have learned how to talk, and what works, with him. So it is up to you to find a way to do it, for YOU.
As for trust and the other fears...
Trust grows and those fears fade, ever so slowly, with consistent actions on their part, you have to let your guard down to see those changes over time as well.
All this time we have learned how to protect ourself, armor up, and dettach, and now in order to heal we have to expose our wounds.
To love someone is to allow them to hurt us in ways no one else can, to love someone is to allow them this ability, but trust that they won't.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I'm sorry to hear about H's father. That may be a trying time for him, as he is unable to reconcile with him now that he is gone.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I haven't read back very far, na - life is just incredibly busy right now - but I did get the ring back on part - that's wonderful!
It's so hard to keep hanging in there when you thought the hard part was over, hey? The strength you've gained hasn't gone away - you just need to figure out the most productive way to direct it in different difficult circumstances. Now if only I could take my own advice...
Trust grows and those fears fade, ever so slowly, with consistent actions on their part, you have to let your guard down to see those changes over time as well.
I'm trying to let my guard down, but then something happens that makes me wonder. I don't want to get into any details right now, but something happened on Sunday that made me question whether he's gambling. It nearly made me physically sick with worry. I think in order to establish trust in this area, he needs to be totally open about his/our finances. I'm not getting that. A month ago he told our MC that he would give me a list of debts and his payment plans- he hasn't done it yet. Today we had lunch together and I asked him if we could set up a time to talk finances. I didn't want to get into it when we had to go back to work, but wanted to let him know it was on my mind. He got quiet and somewhat defensive, as he usually does. We didn't set up a time.
I handle all of the household finances, so I know that our family situation is OK, but I'm not sure what he has for debt and I need to know. And I need to know how he plans to handle it.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
To love someone is to allow them to hurt us in ways no one else can, to love someone is to allow them this ability, but trust that they won't.
SO, SO true. That's what makes this all so hard. Thanks for your advice.
It's so hard to keep hanging in there when you thought the hard part was over, hey? The strength you've gained hasn't gone away - you just need to figure out the most productive way to direct it in different difficult circumstances.
True- and to add a positive about me (why not?), I am handling my worries and doubts so much better than I would have a year ago. I'm taking the time to think about things, not spouting off right away as I used to do.
Originally Posted By: Upside
Have you been able to talk to your H at all about your trust issues?
By the way, is your ring back on or did not ever take it off?
I've tried to talk to him about it a little bit, but I think we would greatly benefit from discussing it in a MC session. We have spent the last 3 sessions talking about his family issues and we are overdue for some real "marriage" counseling!
I never took my ring off- except for one fight about 10 months ago when I threw it at him.
Part of me wants to say, if you know the family is ok financially, then let him handle his stuff and deal with it. Sometimes I think we, as wives, need to let go of this control that we want to have - because of our concern for our family and future- that it does not allow our H's to learn and deal with it themselves.
I have a feeling that having a financial discussion with H is not going to get you what you want. If you discuss it in MC I think that would be better.
you know whats funny? I used to be the one who wanted control and be frugal about our money, never wanting to spend on anything extra because we couldn't afford it (and we really couldn't). After the sitch, I let all that go, and decided that if we had the money, I would be happy for H, so I did just that. Be happy for H. Well, because I've given him more control, and have encouraged and praised him for appropriate things, the roles have switched. I talked about going out to the movies or doing something fun, and he says, we don't have the money and we should use it for the lawn! I even said, soooo, the roles have finally switched! and he said, huh, what do you mean.
I just had to laugh. He really had no clue. So now, HE's being more careful with money and I'm more carefree. It's funny how things can change. I'm sure it doesn't work all the time, but as Michelle said, if someone gives 80%, the other person will only give 20%. it does make sense.
perhaps telling him your proud of him, and you know he will take care of his finances well. ??? sometimes when we show good expectations of someone, they are more likely to provide those expectations. When we have bad expectations of someone, it's easier for them to live up to those bad expectations. Kinda weird, but that's how it seems to work most of the time.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Part of me wants to say, if you know the family is ok financially, then let him handle his stuff and deal with it. Sometimes I think we, as wives, need to let go of this control that we want to have - because of our concern for our family and future- that it does not allow our H's to learn and deal with it themselves.
Hey ST, Thanks so much for your input. I see that this is partially a control issue, but it is also about honesty and openness. I don't see finances as his stuff/my stuff/our stuff. It's all our stuff, if we're married and have a family, isn't it? I also feel like I need to know what's going on to be able to trust that he's not out gambling himself into a $90,000 hole again. How do I know that if I don't see where the $ is going? We have a good combined income- why don't our kids get to go on vacations? why do I have to worry about spending $ on necessities?
whenever I look at it.