My thought is that you should continue to detach from her and put your focus on YOURSELF. Come up with a Get-A-Life plan (wee this article for a start, plus the other GAL threads on this board), and put some initial goals into action. Start viewing yourself in a positive light -- you are worthy and deserve it, my friend.
If you are planning on staying in the same room with your W, then don't let her play any you-can-look-but-you-can't-touch games with you: simply turn your back on her or walk away. She needs to see you as a strong man again, and NOT one that she can toy with or intimidate. Most importantly in dealing with her, keep a easy-going attitude, be cheerful if you can, and don't be grumpy, irritable, or angry. Don't act hurt and withdrawn. Stay detached and cool if she starts to get contemptuous or derogatory again (easier said than done, of course). Maintain your areas of responsibility and continue to do things for her and the kids, but don't let her demand it of you, or treat you like the door-mat. You're doing these things because you take your responsibilities seriously and love your family, period. Do these things because YOU value them and YOU derive pleasure from it, no one else.
You've got to see yourself for the good, strong man that you are. Only then will your wife come to see you in that same light.
Take care, and best wishes,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
S&A - I just saw your note to me on this thread. Gawrsh, thanks. It feels good to be recognized. I have done a lot of work on myself to get to where I am...but it was worth it.
I don't know where your situation is on this board, or maybe it isn't...I was going to look for your thread to talk to you but couldn't find one. Sorry for hi-jacking, NTE.
And also NTE - please don't despise yourself. I know that sometimes we need to feel that way in order to propel ourselves into action to change. But there isn't any gain in a long term self-despising attitude. Create forgiveness toward yourself for whatever you despise about yourself, and then move forward toward more and more change. The world will help you, but first you have to take the first steps...I know you are standing at a precipice wondering which of 1,000's of paths to take, not wanting to take any of them for fear of failure. But - just pick one path, and if it turns out to be the wrong one, come back and take another one. It will eventually be the right path. You will just "know". I hope this all doesn't sound too "woo-woo" and esoteric. I mean it all literally.
That is where I am in so many ways. The company I work for is going under, my businesses are not able to support us so I am looking for work. Most likely, we will have to leave Colorado to find a new job. Add that on top of everything else!
Your thoughts about making a choice, trying and trying again are very encouraging! I have always hated to make mistakes. That is something I am working on for myself and my kids.
I do have one other question, should I try to seduce my wife?
NTE - wow, that last question...gosh that is a tough one. I would hate to tell you to go for it and then get rejected, because you will then feel like you've lost ground and you don't need any more rejection right now.
On the other hand, if I have read your sitch correctly it has been many months now and she still hasn't come forward to initiate it....and I can tell you that by this time, she would probably welcome the seduction (she fells too awkward to initiate herself, but would probably welcome it if you do).
But the real basis for you to decide whether to try it or not is this: what is your TRUE reason for possibly wanting to?
Is it because you want sex? NOT the right reason.
Is it because you want to feel close to her and re-establish some true intimacy? This is the right reason, but I'm sure your thoughts are very clouded right now, due to going without sex for a long long time.
Here is my suggestion, but please think it over to make sure your reasons are right...
I would suggest that yes, you try to seduce her, but ONLY to the point of ONE passionate kiss. If you can catch her off guard and then lightly press her up against a wall and have ONE kiss that lasts 10 seconds or so...and then simply let your breath be taken away by the experience and then expect NOTHING MORE to happen...I think this is your best bet for getting it started.
I think if you can leave her a little breathless and then intiate nothing else, just let the kiss stand on its own accord as its own intimate moment...well that will at least get her gears running. She will probably say "wow, what was that for" to which you should simply answer "I have missed you".
If you can do this but NOT try to go further, then I bet soon she will come toward you to try to initiate.
But please make sure that if you have any expectations, you don't try this just now....I have more suggestions if you want them...just make sure about your true motivation!
Also when you initiate this kiss (if you choose to try it) make sure she is not "doing something" when you press her against the wall. Don't do it while she is brushing her teeth for instance. Do it when you are passing each other in a hall way. She may resist, so be very gentle so that she won't feel forced but she will feel your passion.
I like your suggestion. Do you have an alternate? My wife and I have NEVER kissed passionately for 10 seconds. For whatever reason, this is not something she does. Most times that we have had sex, there was not kissing. Go figure...
Then I suggest this one even moreso. If she's never had a good passionate kiss with you, and you never with her, then maybe that is what you are both missing (not that it is this easy).
Passionate kisses are every woman's gateway into sex. When we are young girls, we fantasize about the beautiful hero taking us in his arms and giving us a passionate kiss. Think about this difference between this and what little boys may fantasize about. This difference is a KEY for you, if you concentrate upon it for a while.
NTE - you still may get rejected if you try this...so I don't want you to have false hope. But I have a feeling it may stir her up a little, AT LEAST - and you've got to start somewhere.
Think about it and let me know what you decide to do. I do have other suggestions but I think this is the right one...unless you decide your own motivations are not in the right place for this.
Then this kiss will also be for YOU to try to find that passion for her. It might be there. Actually, this kiss will tell you a whole lot of things....
Just be aware that it might tell you things you don't want to know -- but it MIGHT tell you new things that you need to learn about both of you.
I'm rooting for you.
DanceQueen
P.S. DON'T FORGET the part about not doing it when she is already "doing something". She has to have her hands free and not be in the mindset of "doing something" else in that moment. Very important. The element of surprise should be there, but not to the extent that your actions suggest she should drop what she is already doing. That is why you need to make sure she wasn't doing something already.
