I must start spending some time here every day. It's amazing how much more centred I feel connecting with people who are going through the same thing and it really helps me stick with DBing behaviours.
Feeling incredibly stuck, though. My H is continuing his EA, as far as I know. I am not doing any more snooping, even though it's very hard. It's just going to hurt me and won't really change anything.
Every few minutes I make a new decision - I'm going to hang in; I'm going to tell him to leave. Up and down the roller coaster, over and over, all day long. I'm actually doing pretty well with controlling obsessive thinking and while I have been crying quite a bit the last few days, it's starting to slow down, I think. I still feel awful almost all the time though.
My H hasn't made any attempt to comfort me or offer any reassurance, even though I'm pretty sure he knew on a couple of occasions that I was crying. He's feeling too conflicted right now, I guess - his roller coaster is probably much like mine. Should I talk to him about it? Just act like nothing is happening?
We are polite, getting along fairly well, but physical contact has pretty much stopped. I CAN'T get close to him knowing where his sexual energy is coming from, even though that's what been happening for the past few months, but the lack of touch is increasing the distance between us and is starting to feel like a mistake. I have no idea what to do.
I've also had moments when I feel serene and above it all, and I don't really care what happens. Lovely, but it sure doesn't last.
Well, back to the frenzy. Any words of wisdom? I'd love to hear them.
Hi Ingrid, I'm so sorry you and H are back in this place. I don't understand the whole online affair thing at all, but it must be really hard to deal with. Does your H want to stop? Does he expect your M to exist while he does this? What does he get from an OA?
Maybe it IS time for you to put your foot down. I don't know. Wish I could be more help.
hugs.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I'm so sorry... You don't have to make a decision today, or even six different ones. For today, take care of you.
You have been working so hard to piece things back together while trying to heal from the pain of A's that were supposed to be over. No wonder you just keep hitting a wall.
This recent discovery certainly explains why you haven't been able to build the emotional bridge with your H. It's not you, sweetie, you weren't seeing things that were not there, his emotional connection is in a fantasy world.
I can certainly understand that a physical connection would be painful for you, knowing what you know. At the end of the day, what matters most is how this makes YOU feel. I can see how the distance may be scary, but maybe it's time to make it clear that you just can't live that way?
You wrote that you feel awful almost all the time. If he is continuing his EA, unchallenged, how are things ever going to change?
What worked before? You DB'd your a$$ off and when it came time to leave, he balked.
You had the understanding that his A's had ended and he was working with you to find an emotional connection again. Other than your sense of humor, one of the first things I noticed from your writing is the serenity you could find in the midst of chaos.
Isn't it DBing to just ignore what he's doing and live my life?
But what's the point, then? There is no way to rebuild the connection between us if he continues to direct his energy elsewhere. Again, looking back, I can almost pinpoint when it started. I'm getting better at seeing it faster, but the change is quite subtle - I find it hard to pick up on right away, anyway.
I've been working hard on 'lovingly detaching', which for me means being open and friendly but also - I don't know how to put this - it's kind of like building a wall, maybe a shell, between me and him. Mostly it feels like trying to 'unlove him', as the song says.
I have been doing fairly well in doing more (again) of the things that both made me feel stronger and also drew my H back a bit. Yesterday, when he came home from work, we had a glass of wine and chatted about our days while I made dinner. It was really nice. I had also had a day in which I spent quite a bit of time in that place of serenity, where I just knew that things would be okay, whatever.
I have put my foot down, more than once. I have kicked him out on two occasions. I can't say leave unless I mean it and I'm not there yet and I don't know if I will ever be. Last night was rough - I was asleep by the time he came to bed, but woke up when he did. Since I found the text message, I've been sleeping on about 12" of the edge of the bed, but last night I moved a bit closer to the centre. I put my hand on his back very briefly and said goodnight, and five minutes later had to get up because I had started crying and couldn't stop. It was a while before I could calm down enough to get back to bed.
This morning, he pulled me to him and held me so tightly for quite a long time. After a while, I started leaking again, so I got up for a few minutes and since it wasn't even 5 a.m. yet, went back to bed. We ended up in a different cuddling position, but I couldn't handle it - tears, etc., so I got up again, got dressed (sobbing the whole time) and went for a walk. Saw three deer! In the middle of a not-really-small city, just walking down the street to a vacant lot, where the grass is nice and high. They were so amazing! That walk in the morning is often the best part of my day. I'm going to try to hold the deer in my mind a lot today. I had to hold my dog, who of course really wanted to chase them, and so they slowly one by one walked past us about 100 yards away, watching us intently the whole time. It was very cool.
Anyway, no matter what kind of barriers I put up, my H touches me and he's through. For whatever reason, this guy just gets to me (and I have quite a few others to compare him to). His touch and presence settles me if I'm mad, sad, whatever. I know that if I tell him to leave, it won't be long before I will want him back and I don't think I can stop myself from asking him to come back.
If I can't handle even non-sexual touch right now, I'm certainly not going to get through sex without breaking down and I have done that enough times, I won't do it anymore. By the time he gets up, I will pull myself together. He knows I was crying, but these days he just leaves me to it
I really, really want him though and there have been times in the last few days that I would have been a real pushover if he had made any moves. I'm struggling with myself as much as anything in trying to decide whether to resume sex or not.
Since he hasn't said that the OA is over, I'm assuming it's still on. Even if he tells me it's over, will I believe him? There have been lies about that every single time in the past.
I have these moments when I can't believe that this is my life. How did I end up in this place, with a man who does this kind of stuff, sees how much it hurts me and does it again. and again. and again.
Thank you to everyone who stopped by. Each and every one of you are my heroes, helping others even as you're struggling yourselves.
If I did that right it's a link to Michele's LRT and detaching as interpreted by "JJ". I think it gives a good description of some of the DB "state of mind" you are going for.
Sweetie, Michelle also says that if you are comfortable ML with your H that the connection can be important in your efforts to be the person your H can't live without. I honestly was only looking at the way it was making you feel after such a recent blow to your emotional reconnection efforts.
We care about YOU. I support whatever your choices are best for you. Period. We try to come up with suggestions/solutions sometimes, but none of us can tell you what to do. I can tell you what worked for me, in SOME circumstances, but it has nothing to do with what you should do or what I'd do in your shoes. I don't believe anyone who says "This is what I'd do." They may be POSITIVE they'd act one way, but until they are in your shoes (which they can't be) they can't know.
The pain you are in is just heart-wrenching to read.... however.... we aren't necessarily "supposed" to live a painless life. Learning and growing from the pain is a good goal though, and I'm not sure that means just building a wall to teach yourself how to hide from the pain.
What are your revised relationship goals now that it's changed again?
I know of some of the work you've done. You are no newbie flailing in the wind. Sooo, just sending you some strength this morning and a thank you for writing about your walk. It sounds like it was magical.
Hi Ingrid - I read what happened and wanted to send you (((hugs))). I too am struggling with whether to stay or go, but when we can still laugh together and I still feel a pull sometimes, I feel like I can't give up quite yet.
Today is probably a bad day to post to you as I am feeling numb. I feel like I need to move back to the "middle" and "do nothing" for a while (I'm glad you like the book!).
Why is it always 2 steps forward 3 steps back?
You hang in there and the answer will come to you (that's what I keep telling myself anyway).
My computer died yesterday, so I am using the computer my H and the kids use - the keyboard has some issues, so if funny characters show up in my words, just ignore them.
I am so stuck, in the same place where I have been stuck off and on for years. What kind of life is this when I have to wonder every minutes of every day whether my H is having an EA or a PAÉ (É is a question mark) I am so ready to not feel this way, but whenever I think of him actually leaving, I know I canèt (è is an apostrophe) be the one to initiate it, because if I tell him to leave, it will be with the hope that he will suddenly realize that he loves me and must stop being an a----le. Since thatès not likely to happen, my only option is apparently to continue to live like this and Ièm pretty sure that thatès not a good thing.
This Friday, my H is spending the night away from home, at a work event. He says he has never had an affair with a co-worker, but for months now there is this weird tension whenever the subject of his office comes up. Of course, I donèt know if thatès just me.
I think that spouses are invited to the event. I couldnèt go anyway, as my daughter will have just returned from a week away camping with her class and my son has a baseball game that evening, so one of us has to be here. Ièd really rather spend the evening with my kids than the people my H works with, but it hurts that he didnèt even ask.
I want to ask him if other spouses are going. I want to ask him what the tension is about. Ièm not supposed to, rightÉ How long am I supposed to just keep going like things are normalÉ
How can I DB both ways - ask for what I want while giving him his space, etc.É
I donèt really know when this latest EA started, but I do know that when he didnèt move out in January and I wasnèt spending any time on the board, I let expectations creep in again. The longer he stayed, the more I èslippedè back into thinking that I could depend on him for reassurance and emotional support, which I think is a big part of the problem - he can barely handle his own need for emotional support, so mine just is too much. I know how he feels in a way, because I have a rather strong reaction to neediness from my mother since things really began to fall apart in my M. Itès all I can do to keep moving for my kids and to keep up with work - I have no energy for anyone elseès problems right now. At least not in real life, I seem to be able to spend a lot of time here
I know that I need to be strong and not fall apart right now. Every other time weève been down this path, I have handled it in the least effective way I possibly could, I think - if I had found DB the first time, we wouldnèt be here now. Although Ièm not sure if I could have taken it in then. It may not have been a big enough shock to make me see myself as clearly as I think I do now. Not that seeing all by itself makes any difference and boy are the behaviours hard to change.
Anyway, now Ièm wondering how stupid it is to send him off to a an overnight event at which there will be lots of alcohol and women really horny from the online-phone sex heès likely having and because he and I will not have had sex for two weeks at that point. I know Ièm really feeling it, he must be going nuts (no pun intended). I donèt think heès actually having sex with anyone, but I am (as Iève said before) apparently really easy to fool. Then on Saturday, heès going out of town on business until Wednesday. He said that he had a hard time telling me about the trip èeven though itès fineè - meaning thereès nothing going on but business. I guess thereès been lots of other times when there was something else going on.
Ièm not supposed to force him to make a choice, to say - itès her or me, rightÉ So I havenèt said that. I havenèt done anything, really, except start wearing clothes to bed. Iève told him Ièm not willing to share and although he is clearly interested in sex, he hasnèt said that heès not doing anything anymore. Can I askÉ He knows that I am struggling with wanting to have sex, but is it possible he doesnèt realize that I think his affair is still going on, when he thinks heès told me that it isnètÉ It sometimes takes me a few questions to figure out what he means, because expressing himself does not come easily, and I havenèt been asking questions. Confusion and misunderstanding is not going to help us - how can get some clarity without it turning into a emotional relationship talkÉ
My H has been finding excuses to touch me, sometimes crossing the line into groping. I canèt stand the thought that this is happening only because some other woman is turning him on and thereès not way Ièm going to be able to have sex thinking that that is the case. He is still keeping his cell phone in his car - the thing that made me suspicious enough to check in the first place - so it must still be going on.
Imagine a big string of swearing here, mostly the F word. I AM SO SICK OF THIS!!
I donèt know how to move off this place. I donèt know how to stop loving my H. I donèt know how to stop hoping that things will get better, that he will become motivated to help me change things. If he were to make that commitment, I would do my best to let the past be the past, something that I wasnèt really trying to do before. Can I ask for thisÉ I guess not unless Ièm willing to let him go, unless I tell him what I need while feeling strong enough to end this M.
