Hope4us struggle, part 4

[lost_in_space]

H4U

Cautious optimism about the baby steps - you have it right in not getting too high. Not meaning to rain on the parade, but as we have seen, with the up comes the down, so be prepared. I can certainly take that from experience.

Glad you enjoyed the day - and may there be many more.

[Hope4us]

Thanks LIS. Don't worry about me getting too high. There've been a number of times where WW started what I thought was coming around only to find out she'd been in contact with OM all along or trying to arrange a meet after not being in contact for a bit, but this time seems different.

In the past she'd be really down and then all the sudden her mood would change and I'd be thinking "great, she's figuring it out", but I now realize it was only her getting her fix again that made her in the good moods. The last 8 weeks have been a more gradual thing with the periods of moodiness lasting varying time periods, but then when she'd start to respond again it wasn't the "high" it was before. It's just been a gradual thing this time with the last couple weeks seeming to get better and better each few days.

But again, I'm not getting my hopes up too high. And I'm ready to go the separation/D route if I find out there's contact that she doesn't tell me about or lies about. But I just feel like this time is different and my exposing to the kids and their reaction/treatment of her and the affair may have been the final push she needed to end it permanently. And how she's been acting the last 2 months kind of makes me think that's the case. And I've had a number of people tell me on this board and another that it took their spouse a month or month and a half to get over the anger at the exposure that finally ended the affair and then another few months for their spouse to recommit to the marriage.

That's the kinds of things that make me think this is progressing as the script calls for and what gives me hope, but again, I'm not getting too high because the fall is just too hard.

Thanks for the comment.

[lost_in_space]

H4U

Your comment about the "fix" changing the mood has me thinking - this may be what is happening in my sitch. I will have to give that some thought and update my thread (don't want to to hi jack yours).

Take care.

[Hope4us]

LIS, Oh yes, the FIX.

Here is what I would see. After OM moved to his new work location ~250 miles away and WW started going to see him everyother weekend she would be in the best moods when she got back. Trying to make everything as nice at home as she could, but within 3-4 days her mood had gone pretty low. If OM would come to our town to see her the next weekend, by Thurs night her mood would start to pick up, Friday she'd be on cloud nine as well as the rest of the weekend. If he didn't come up she'd get lower and lower until her next trip to see him would be almost there and then her mood would start to pick back up.

Once I exposed the affair and "their" troubles started she was as low as you could get. We went on a family vacation a couple weeks later and for the first 4-5 days she was, lets just say, not very pleasant to be around. But then her mood changed which I discovered later was because they had been in contact and I'm assuming he told her they could try to get together because the next Saturday after we got back she took off early to go see him. I called OMW and she busted him on seeing WW and when she got back she was about as angry and down as you can be. She was that way for probably 3 weeks or so. I'm assuming because during this time OMW told me that she and OM were trying to make their marriage work which I'm sure was why WW was so down. Then right before Christmas all the sudden her mood got pretty high again, but she was still angry with me. I found out a couple days later that OM's marriage was headed down the tubes again so that's why her mood was up.

A couple weeks later, mood down terribly again and stayed that way for probably a month or so. Then, BAM, On cloud nine again which I discovered shortly after was because WW thought OM was going to come visit. I had gone out of town for the weekend and she was really up and when I got back she was a bit*h on wheels. Found out OM didn't visit.

Ok, I could go on and on, but you get the gist. Well, this latest "breakup" after I exposed to the kids, I got the same anger for quite a while. I think it lasted longer this time because it's very probably the affair is finally over in her head. But she's slowly coming out of it now, not the terribly down one minute and then as high as a kite the next. This has been a more gradual process.

I guess I think of it this way. If you're a drug addict and don't get your fix, you're going to be angry. But once you know you're going to score your next fix and then you do, that high will last a while until you start coming down from it. Then until you get the next fix, you're angry/down.

But this time, it's more like she's going through the Withdrawal from the drug of choice, the OM. And the longer she's off him (sorry, no pun intended), the more she returns to normal.

At least that's what I see. I could be totally wrong about the whole situation, but it seems pretty much exactly on script.

[lost_in_space]

H4U

Thanks for the post. I see that your sitch it was exposure each time that at least had the A dwindling. I have not gone down that road, but I may need to. If nothing else, I may need to reconsider the "agreement" where I said I would keep this quiet.

When you exposed to kids / OMW, did you give WW any "warning" this might happen?

[Hope4us]

Oh no. NEVER tell them you're going to do it if you decide to. It would just give them a chance to spin it to anyone who'll listen.

I had told her a number of times that I would eventually tell the kids and all it did was make her change her tactics, but when I finally told them, I didn't give her any warning and one day later is when she claims she told OM no more contact. And she seems to be keeping her word, but I guess I'll never know for sure. But it seems she has, at least.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U

Thanks for the post. I see that your sitch it was exposure each time that at least had the A dwindling. I have not gone down that road, but I may need to. If nothing else, I may need to reconsider the "agreement" where I said I would keep this quiet.

When you exposed to kids / OMW, did you give WW any "warning" this might happen?

Lost,

If and when someone makes the difficult decision to expose, they should never give any warning to the wayward spouse. It will only enable them to pre-defend and "spin" it, saying "You're going to be hearing all kinds of crazy things from Bill; he's really gone nuts!" and such.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh no. NEVER tell them you're going to do it if you decide to. It would just give them a chance to spin it to anyone who'll listen.

I had told her a number of times that I would eventually tell the kids and all it did was make her change her tactics, but when I finally told them, I didn't give her any warning and one day later is when she claims she told OM no more contact. And she seems to be keeping her word, but I guess I'll never know for sure. But it seems she has, at least.

The "yeah, well, I had ENDED IT ANYWAY!" thing is just SUCH classic script, LOL. My wife said the same thing!!! What a crock -- I had JUST seen "I love you so much" and "No one ever did it for me the way you do" TMs on her cellphone, just 3 days before!!

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Oh no. NEVER tell them you're going to do it if you decide to. It would just give them a chance to spin it to anyone who'll listen.

I had told her a number of times that I would eventually tell the kids and all it did was make her change her tactics, but when I finally told them, I didn't give her any warning and one day later is when she claims she told OM no more contact. And she seems to be keeping her word, but I guess I'll never know for sure. But it seems she has, at least.

The "yeah, well, I had ENDED IT ANYWAY!" thing is just SUCH classic script, LOL. My wife said the same thing!!! What a crock -- I had JUST seen "I love you so much" and "No one ever did it for me the way you do" TMs on her cellphone, just 3 days before!!

Puppy

Exactly Pup. After I exposed to the kids and their disapproval caused her to (seemingly) end it she told me in an email that "you can believe what ever you want, but I haven't seen OM since last year and have no intention of seeing him in the future". And this was one week after seeing some TM's between WW and the enabler GF that said "what was his excuse for not coming up yesterday" and WW replying "his wife has an appointment with an attorney and he doesn't want to add fuel to the fire". Yeah....They can't even admit the truth when it's staring them in the face. That's the amazing thing.

[hopeful4her]

H4U, I am pulling so much for you.

Recent events sound so good, but just like you, in the back of your mind. What if? Am I being played?

I bet ANYONE in your position has the same thoughts. I know I would. I wish I was in that position to even HAVE those thoughts, but still being hopeful.

Still looking up to you.