A Very Rough Year - Breast Cancer & MLC

[1hope]

I'm not so together, remember I've done this before. I was married the first time for 19 yrs. I divorced my XH because he couldn't be faithful, and the 3rd A was with my best friend and neighbor. It had been going on 5 yrs. As hard as all that was, I have decided that I don't want to be divorced again.

My XH and the OW never married and don't even live together. They see each other on weekends etc., and sometimes he stays at her house, but he has his own home and often is alone. I would not want to get back with him for even one minute, but I often think about how it might be for our sons if we had not divorced. We all lost so much.

I'm glad you had a nice time this weekend. Remember, two steps forward, one step back. I think the trick is to remember the forward steps when you're unhappy about the back.

[TwinDad]

Remember, two steps forward, one step back. I think the trick is to remember the forward steps when you're unhappy about the back.

Some good advice.

I don't think there is anyone here who would look down upon you for fighting for your marriage through two affairs and deciding enough is enough when the third happened. I would be willing to bet your sons would feel the same way if they know the whole truth.

[1hope]

The Alien came home last night. Depressed, sad and crying. Said that he wanted to be left alone, so I took my book and laptop and went upstairs to the bedroom. He came up in less than an hour. Lay face down on the bed and began to cry in earnest. He did not have a shirt on, so I continued to read but reached over and gently began to rub his shoulders. He seemed to relax a little, and then from downstairs his cell phone began to ring. Since all of this strange behavior started, he usually has it on vibrate, or turns if off completely as soon as he comes home. (red flag)

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. I should probably tell you that back in March I listened to a message left on his cell phone and it turned out to be the wife of one of our “couple friends”. Her family has a summer home in the “big partying” golf community that H frequents, but she grew up and resides in our town. Turns out that she was having difficulty with her marriage, and since her H was a friend of my H, she turned to him to talk. The message that I found was not appropriate, and I had a major meltdown. Believe it or not, this woman is a nurse (student), and had the audacity to tell me that she was sorry that she “went kinda crazy” but she was “helping” him understand the medical details of my illness! Um hmmm, I think she was “helping” him feel needed and young again, without the responsibility of a critically ill wife. Her H and mine had been friends for 20+ years and used to work together. My H never even LIKED this woman because she talks non-stop and is kind of an idiot. The type that can clear a table if she enters the pub and sits down.

As a result, the men are no longer friends, she and her H are in MC and both say the communication has stopped. I truly believe that, and friends that know us say that it was a cry for help on her part… but maybe I am fooling myself. I wondered if it might have been an EA, but do not think a PA. Combined with his other strange behaviors, it made me begin to suspect MLC. I know that it is not the cause of our problems, but a symptom. I wonder if the fight yesterday about the weekend golf outing brought back feelings for him?

He managed to work himself into quite a state. I tried to sleep on the couch, but he came down and woke me up at 3am and again at 5:30. It continued, and got worse. He went out to get into the hot tub, and found that someone had been in it since we used it yesterday morning! He couldn’t get in it because the straps were fastened and he by mistake thought it was locked. We don’t fasten the straps and only lock it when we leave town. So strange! He said, I suppose you are thinking that S. (ow?) was in it yesterday? I could tell from the water on the deck it had probably been used in the middle of the night. We have a couple of guy friends that would think that was funny – feeling “good” on their way home from the pub. His ranting got worse as we were getting ready for work. Verbal abuse, cursing, name calling etc. I brought out all of my DB skills, and did not engage. In fact, it felt as if I were stepping outside of myself and watching what was happening. He was actually writhing inside from pain. I felt calm. Thank God I have you guys.

[TwinDad]

Hey Hope,

Red flag indeed. Sounds like he is having a very hard time with it and likely an EA as you suspect. Though from my experience the emotions of an EA can be very powerful. I actually had a similar experience to your H about 4 years ago during a rough time in my life where I just eventually broke down.

It sounds like you handled it very well. It also sounds like a lot of those emotions are likely guilt driven. The fact that he would play his hand a little bit (trying to guess your suspicions) likely means he is hiding something. I think you did well not to engage and thing you are probably right that this is an MLC. When and if he is ready he will tell you....it all comes down to what are you willing to put up with.

I am glad to hear you were calm and don't lose yourself in this alien abduction.

-And the bull gave a huge leap to the left but hope was able to hold on-

[1hope]

I think I also ducked the horn to the forehead.

He has golf league tonight and will be already gone when I get home from work. I am going to see a movie with my girlfriend and her mom. We'll get a drink and dinner after that. I told him about the movie plans last weekend, but doubt he will remember, so out of courtesy I will leave a short note. With any luck I will be able to return home after he does, and just sleep on the sofa.

I also feel like he is being driven by guilt. Guilt because of my illness and because he witnessed the destruction (small town!) of my first marriage and knows how badly I was hurt by that. I can easily believe the EA, have real trouble with a PA. Guess if it is revealed to me I will know, and decide what I can live with at that time.

I am familiar with the emotion of an EA. I felt that thrill myself about 7 years ago. I suppose it could have been my MLC. It happened during a hard spot in our M. I recognised it for what it was, and nothing came of it. My H never even knew. I have to say that is a double edged sword. It gives me forgiveness since I know it can happen, but boy does it hurt thinking he has those feelings for someone else.

How did you breakdown?

[TwinDad]

It gives me forgiveness since I know it can happen, but boy does it hurt thinking he has those feelings for someone else.

There is a lot of truth in that. My EA started when my W came home one night 4-5 years ago at 3:30AM and told me we needed to get a D and that she had been out making out with another guy. I cowboyed-up (continueing the bull analogy) and took responsibility for my part in this and wanted to work on my M. What led to the EA was that she continued to go out and wouldn't answer any of my calls. It was pretty damaging to my self esteem and eventually I confided in someone and started to have talks. I was very confused about the whole situation and started to have feelings for this person but was uncertain about her view. My breakdown happened when I decided to confront my EA partner and tell her that I wanted to work on my M. She was shocked and told me that she had no feelings like that. So the breakdown was basically a realization that my self-esteem had gotten so low (I was always a very strong person) that I could misinterpret the kind words of another to such an extent.....it was really pretty crushing.

Ironically, admitting this to my W was actually the thing that got her to stop what she was doing. Apparently she was so scared at losing me that she decided to stop her actions and work on us.

Fastforward about 4 years and I start to see signs that my W is having an EA and how that has made me feel. This is the main reason I am in my current sitch. It has really been an eye opener as to what M is all about. Go figure it would only take me 11 years to figure out

The good news is today my W said she wanted to get away and said we didn't do anything for our 11 yr anniversary so she wanted for us to go on a trip I am keeping my cool and remaining caustiously optimistic.

[1hope]

Cautious optimism is a good thing…but I’ll cheer and be excited for you!

I know about fragile self esteem. Being in a troubled marriage can rock even the strongest self image. I have always been a very strong person, ironically I think when I became ill and “not strong” my husband lost who he was. He looked into my eyes and saw his own mortality.

I hate the partying crowd! I hate it when my H won’t return my calls, or worse would turn his phone off so it would go directly to voice mail. Nothing good happens when people stay out that late at night.

I also think you are being a bit hard on yourself. I can’t imagine what I would do if my H came home and admitted to making out with someone else, and asking for a D at the same time! He always said I was a master at one-upmanship. I never looked at it that way. I just always felt what was good for the goose was good for the gander. I don’t want two sets of rules, but then I also don’t do things that would hurt my H or comprise my integrity.

Our 10 yr. anniversary is this fall. I hope that we make it. We didn’t celebrate our 9th. He was getting ready to go north, and I was helping him pack for the big golf outing that was the introduction to (I believe) his EA. I even made a trip out to pick up a box of special golf balls for him. It was a big deal because I was between chemo and radiation and it was very tiring for me. I remember because when I brought them back he was not happy, thinking that I had picked up the wrong ones. As it turns out, he played the best golf in his life, and partied his a** off in the bar with his buddies and S, who I later learned just happened to be up there visiting family.

Oh well. I feel bad because I have my health back, and yet our lives are on hold because of this MLC. It’s like being given the secret to life, but not being able to communicate it to anyone. Or at least the people most important to you.

[TwinDad]

I hate the partying crowd! I hate it when my H won’t return my calls, or worse would turn his phone off so it would go directly to voice mail. Nothing good happens when people stay out that late at night.

I felt this way for along time. I actually found I had a lot of resentment for it. Mainly because I found myself being the baby sitter and it is never fun being the one sober one. I have found that since I have let go of the resentment and participated that she si starting to warm up more. I think the not returning calls is DB 101, not to pursue....though I was very guilty of this as well.

I know what is like not to have a heartfelt gift not appreciated....especially one purchased under those conditions.

Oh well. I feel bad because I have my health back, and yet our lives are on hold because of this MLC. It’s like being given the secret to life, but not being able to communicate it to anyone. Or at least the people most important to you.

Whatever you do don't put your life on hold....you fought hard for that and should enjoy it to the extent that you can.....the H will likely come along...it just might take him a bit of time. That is the worse thing about these life changing moments, you finally get it all figured out and now you have to wait for the most important person in your life to get on the same page.

One of these threads has a link to MLC which kind of explains the different stages they go through. I found it a good read. One other thing I have found recently that helps me is the thread on "True Giving"; true giving is when you give your spouse what they need, not what you want to give, even at your own expense. It is difficult but it is love.....that is at least what I tell myself and I find when I do that, I retain a bigger portion of myself in the process.......kind of a mind trick I play on myself

[1hope]

I know DB 101. If H doesn't call or come home I just go about my business or whatever I have planned. I was referring to early in our relationship, I would have dinner on the table etc., and no husband. When I started to do the same thing he realized it wasn't cool, and he didn't like being treated that way.

I think part of my resentment comes from the fact that I am excluded. I used to be a part of that group and we had some very fun times in our local pub. The owners are friends and all of our friends hang there. We met there! Since the MLC my H is very emphatic that he does not want me to go in there. In fact, he told me during a recent Alien appearance that if I walk in, he will walk out, and embarass me in front of our friends. The other H & W no longer go in there, and my friends confirm that he is not meeting anyone, he does nothing out of line while there..... He just doesn't want to be with me.

Thank you for the info on the links. I will look them up.

[TwinDad]

Hope,

Being excluded can make you feel pretty bad (it is like being rejected), though when they do decide they want you around it is nice too. I imagine, this is just the place where he looks to get away and escape. It is sad that he would pick a place that you both have so many ties to. The good news is with so many of your mutual friends there you know where to find him if you needed to, and he isn't going to do something inappropriate in front of so many people that know him. I wouldn't worry about him walking out of the pub and embarassing you, if anything it may draw attention but he will look like the one making a scene in front of your friends.