h4h, my heart goes out to you as I have been where you are. You are trying so hard to preserve something out of what is left by keeping her as your best friend despite feeling you are losing her as a W. I too wanted to maintain as cordial a R with my W as we still had a family to raise together. The last thing you want is all the BS to hurt the kids any more than it has to. But the reality is she will not be your best friend for a long time, if ever again. You also need to realize that a best friend would not betray you! Is that who you really want as your best friend? Think about it. You have alot of righteous anger inside you, it is such an incredibly devastating thing to be betrayed by the person you've pledged your love to forever more. You deserve better than a "best friend" that would do that to you. It's so tough to deal with, I know. I wish I could give you more right now but just remember that you will have blowouts with her, your emotions will win sometimes and that's not necessarily a bad thing, just don't let it become dominant. She should feel your hurt sometimes, but it's a tough balance to maintain. There were times I just let my unfaithful S have it with both barrels and she damn well deserved it, but then I went back to doing my best to do what was right for my kids and myself. I once told her "you will not make me someone I do not want to be". I refused to let the anger take over but, you know what, she ain't gonna be my best friend ever again! I deserve better as do you.
Who is the beneficiary of the loving detachment? Is it for WW or for me?
Isn't detaching like pushing her away? Why am I doing this if I'm trying to win her or keep her? By maintaining and building on our friendship, shouldn't that give me more of a shot. I accept that we are not currently husband and wife in her mind. I accept that she currently wants to leave to see the other side.
I have said many times in this thread that I forgive WW for having the affair. I accept the part that I played in her getting to that point. I DO NOT accept direct responsibility FOR the affair. Do I want her to stop seeing the OM? Of course I do. As I have heard before, WAS's feel like it is not the OP that is the problem, they were not happy before OP came into the picture. But like Puppy says, they are currently the direct reason why they choose to stop working on the M. I know that if OM is not in the picture, possibilities are endless. Especially in my sitch.
I did say the words to WW on Sunday when I brought up OM.
If she is NOT my best friend or feel like she never could be, then why would I want her as a wife? Why fight for her? I did not come here to find ways to get over her. I came here to help me figure out ways to win her back. I DO want her as my best friend. Yes, she has hurt me. MUCHO.
I cannot be emotionaly detached from WW. I have tried to detach as best that I can for my sitch. If WW was not in the house, it would be way easier. I do not WANT her out of the house.
Although similar to many on here, my sitch seems to be a little different to most. I think ya'll see it, too.
It could be me that doesn't "see" it. I admit this.
Sometimes things don't read well or are interpreted differently than what it is. Like the guy that thought I had anger management issues or others that read that I am unable to control my emotions. Sure I get upset sometimes. I consider this normal. Part of WW and my problem is that we never let our feelings be understood to each other. I held everthing in. Just like Puppy said he used to do, we did the same. Kept things in so that we didn't hurt each others feelings.
The advise from others, how bad is their sitch? Already divorced? Seperated? Is WW still home? Is DB working FOR their sitch? I understand that it can help me individually. Helps to take care of me, in either way it turns out.
Sorry, I am just rambling.
Not meaning to GET on anyone here. I do appreciate all posts and advise. I just have to sort through myself.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I hear exactly what you say. I think you and me are in very similar places right now. The question I am struggling with is if WW wants to be somewhere else, WHY ARE THEY STILL AT HOME??????? I think you struggle with the same?
What to do - I have asked a siliar question on my thread. Hopefully we get some good insight - Puppy has already provided some.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Guys, I can only tell you what worked for me. My wife is home, faithful, we're best friends again (and more affectionate than before) and her affair ended very quickly. Then again, it also took $6k in legal retainers and filing for divorce to get thru to her, so your actual mileage may vary.
Who is detachment for? It's for YOUR sanity, and it simultaneously should make you more attractive to your wayward wife.
This is the distinction I made with my wife:
I told her that if she chose to end our marriage this way -- by cutting and running, refusing to end her affair, then I could NEVER be her best friend anymore.
HOWEVER, if she chose to end her affair, end all contact, come back and work on our marriage together for a period of time (say, one year), and if at the end of that time she felt like she no longer loved me, and we agreed to part amicably -- then we would certainly be friends, and possibly even still best friends.
A big part of the fantasy of the fogged out, wayward mind, is for their illlicit relationship to be "normalized" with their friends and family. I wasn't going to indulge the fantasy, nor play the game.
"If you are considering trying to save your marriage when your partner is unwilling to end the affair, you can count on receiving lots of advice from people who know about the situation. They will undoubtedly tell you to stop being a doormat and go on with your life. You need to be the one who calls the shots on this one. This is, after all, your life. YOu need to decide how you want to hangle it. Trust your instincts. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do. If you're not ready to give up on your marriage, keep fighting."
"Fighting for your marriage under those circumstances takes courage, stamina, and blind determination." Page 214-215 in Divorce Remedy.
I assume you are on the "last resort technique". Hopefully, you will never have to do the "after the last resort technique."
"If you are considering trying to save your marriage when your partner is unwilling to end the affair, you can count on receiving lots of advice from people who know about the situation. They will undoubtedly tell you to stop being a doormat and go on with your life. You need to be the one who calls the shots on this one. This is, after all, your life. YOu need to decide how you want to hangle it. Trust your instincts. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do. If you're not ready to give up on your marriage, keep fighting."
"Fighting for your marriage under those circumstances takes courage, stamina, and blind determination." Page 214-215 in Divorce Remedy.
I assume you are on the "last resort technique". Hopefully, you will never have to do the "after the last resort technique."
My very first post on here, that morning, I had told WW that if she couldn't end her A, then we could no longer be friends.
I have obviously back pedaled. I have had to sort through so many things since that day.
So many different stories. Some of success and some not successful. Puppy's technique worked for him. It may not work for others. Depends on the spouse, I suppose.
The guy that I read about over on Separating. He totally maintained his friendship and now has reconciled with his wife because of it.
Perhaps, a mixture of both.
wdid saw her husband making changes. She felt too much pressure from OM. She did not want to be a part time mom, but initially was going to let her husband have custody. Mine is not thinking that way. WW sees the changes in me, but can just criticize. "Oh sure, NOW you make the changes! We had to go through this for that to happen." I see the way she criticizes S14 father. Same thing. "NOW he wants to do this or that or the other. NOW S14 just thinks the world of him. Where was he before?" That is my WW.
Unfortunatly for me, my love for my wife has no conditions on it. "I can or will love you if you do this...."
I love her unconditionally.
To a fault.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I think some of it depends on what you were like in your marital relationship BEFORE the affair. Does being strong, leading, even confrontational -- does this represent a "180" from your normal style? If so, I think it has a higher success rate.
If, by contrast, you were previously very controlling, robotic, etc., then a more loving approach would actually represent a "180" and perhaps get the wayward spouse's attention.
I focus my advice on what worked for me, and what -- to me -- just makes good common sense. I especially think that men find some of the more passive approaches emasculating, and suffer as a result of being TOO patient.
Yes, I think everyone is different. And each of us have had to ask ourselves "How long can I give this?" I'm the type that was more willing to give it a balls-to-the-wall approach, for a shorter duration, even if that meant there was greater fallout (which there was).
Then again, I'll sometimes take four right-hand turns at a red light, just to avoid sittin' there.
Forgive me if my whole post was not relevant....I'm jacked up on vicadin (sp?) and my bottom half of my mouth is numb from novacaine. I feel a little "off" to say the least. I was just trying to tell h4h that he needs to do what he feels is right. If he feels fighting for his marriage the way he is doing it, then he should...he knows best. If he is getting nowhere he may just start doing the "last resort techniques" described in the book. Does that make sense? I hope so!
By the way, I wasn't going to give H full custody...I thought we should have equal custody because my son needs his dad as much as me and if we couldn't make it, that wasn't my son's fault.
H4h, have you thought about what she thinks you lack and worked on that? When people tell you to worry about yourself and detach I think some of it is just to make you more attractive to her. I know right now I am telling my H to do some more things that make him happy. When he does this he becomes more interesting, happier, and thus more attractive to me. Does this make sense?
