Divorce Remedy page 204 - 15 is relevant here wdid.
Particularly on page 212 sections "Expect Ups and Downs" and "Be Patient"
MWD points out that the path back from infidelity must move at the pace of the betrayed spouse. Expect ups and downs, and offer both of yourselves as much patience as you can through this transitional period. Your spouse will heal, its your job to help him get there.
I know things seem difficult but believe me your situation is one of the better ones on this forum.
You have a family, a brilliantly committed husband, and a home that is now unified again that you can build on for your future. For many of us this is just a hope, for you this part is already a reality.
Thank you Kat, Jeff, Mark, h4h, and Sara. I have been reading everyones situations but not taking the time to post at all. Sometimes I feel I need to take a breather from analyzing situations.
I am using all of your recommendations and trying to get my "head" there.
H and I are making memories. We went biking in the arboreteum this last weekend and snuggled watching movies. We did lots of talking and this is good. He never talked much before and he is finally talking about just everyday things. I like this. He is also making plans to do things with other people. I like this, too. He needs to have interests on his own to be interesting to me.
I had a good test this weekend. I went to the Sex and the City movie with an old girlfriend from high school. She is single and wanted to go out after. So, we did. I had fun looking for "potential mates" for her...NOT ME!!! We went to a couple of the hangouts I used to go to while separated. I had no desire to be with anyone but my H. A guy that I had met during that time came up to me and started flirting. I ended it immediately and left with my friend. No "pull" to do that anymore. Maybe things ARE getting better at home. I texted my H messages that night and he called once and I answered immediately. It was a good night.
Still no intimacy. God, I'm so scared. I have been losing weight without realizing it...like over 10 pounds. I know I am still having depression issues.
So, in a nutshell, that is where I am at right now. Wish it was sunny today instead of dark and miserable.
No real words of wisdom from me, but I wanted to stop by your thread to encourage you and say "hi." You've been so helpful to so many others, and I really focus my limited time on trying to help BSs, but I really do admire the courage you're showing in doing the right thing in your marriage.
Hmmm...going to a bar with your single gf. Not sure if that would leave your H unsettled or not. For the future, if you didn't find out how he felt, it may be a good idea.
After an affair has been exposed to a household and healing has started, a trip to a singles bar, innocent or otherwise could potentially set the two of you back quite a bit...just be careful on that one. If your H is ok with it then that's fine, but if I were him then I would be a bit anxious about that.
He needs to have interests on his own to be interesting to me.
This one trouble's me a bit...because i have had that one thrown at me too. I just don't know what to do with it.
I think Michele would encourage your H to go out more and relax a bit, try to enjoy himself. But right NOW while he's having flashbacks and such, this is a VERY tall order for him ok?
Also, I think Michele would ask what he does with his time that YOU dont' find interesting. My bet is she would also say that just because you dont find him interesting doens't mean he isn't intersting. In her video she madea point of finding out what your spouse likes, not asking your spouse to change their interests to something you like.
If he likes hockey, then that's interesting, whether you like hockey or not. lol
The two of you have to both try to make it work, and go easy on each other, getting demanding right now is going to set you back quite a bit. Go EASY on each other. He will grow, and he will become more interesting, but you can dig a bit too and find out what is already intereesting abouthim that you have maybe waved off?
Just don't expect your spouse to be your personal entertainer, particularly right now at such a delicate stage.
I see your point, Mark. I just emailed H to ask him if me going out caused him anxiety and told him that I don't want to cause any resentment when we are on a good road right now. I'll wait to hear what he says. He didn't seem to mind because he knows this friend of mine....old high school friend, good morals, etc. But, we'll see.
I see what you are saying about a "tall order for him". I haven't been pushing him to do anything. He did this on his own. He does have interests but he doesn't do anything for himself hardly at all. In fact, one of the things I said I wanted him to do is to do something for himself every day. I am making it a point to find out what he likes and I"m not trying to push him into something he doesn't and I also asked him to try to start learning about me as well.
Yeah, I get what you are saying about wanting my H to be my entertainer and such. I have realized that you can't expect your H to meet all of your needs......that's why girlfriends, family, etc. are important.
Keep telling me what you see, Mark. You are a window to my H's mind because I think he keeps most things inside.
Ok, his email told me that he was not anxious. He said if anything he is more anxious about doing things himself. He said he feels guilty when he does....(being away from me and son I guess)...so he said he needs more encouragement from me. I can do that!
