I have read posts for a while now and thought I would start my own to get some feedback from others on this board. Reading this back, it is a little robotic, but I kind of feel robotic at this point :o)
Summer 07 I sense we are in a rut. I am not miserable but he seems depressed a lot. I express my desire to have a baby and things cool way off. I figure he is just not ready and go back on the pill. In October of 07 H acts depressed and tells me he went on a date while I was on travel. On this date he tried to kiss her and she told him she didn't want to see him again since he was married. After this he tells me he doesn't think he wants to be married anymore. The woman was out of sight out of mind and after weeks of DBing and him going on short getaway alone he begins to come around. We never really discuss but things continue to get MUCH better until spring.
I sense him in his funk again after a work function and approach him about it. He admits he talked for hours to female coworker (younger woman, athletic and different than the woman I mentioned before)and really likes her and can't stop thinking about her. A week later he comes home late at night and admits he was with her and wants to end it so he can pursue her because she is interested too. She had a boyfriend at this time but I assume she broke up with him. I am devastated. Within weeks he has talked to a realtor about selling house (we can't afford it) and he plans to move out while still helping me with bills and house chores and watching our dog if needed until we can sell the house (probably a few years based on what the realtor said). He has stayed out all night at her place several times, has gone out drinking and hanging out with friends more in a month than in the entire time we have been together and seems absolutely convinced that she is the most amazing person ever and that he wants out of being 'trapped' in our marraige ASAP. He tells me it isn't my fault and it is him and how he is sorry but wants a divorce. I can tell he feels guilty and can't stand it when I cry. Says it isn't fair to stay with me with his mind 'wandering' to other women. The fact that he isn't being mean makes me wonder if he really is happier and will never miss me.
Although he is courteous in passing and so am I, he seems so done. I am trying to get on with it and doing my own things (yoga, hanging out with friends, running etc.) He doesn't seem to miss me in the least. No emails, calls, texts, notes. Nothing except to discuss him finding his own place or our mediation (pre-divorce) appointment. I think I am past the point of DBing. Just going as dark as possible for my own sanity. I know I will get through it but just so hard. We never fought or were horribly unhappy and have had some great times even recently before all this came up. It has been 3 weeks and all seems surreal and happening so fast. Has she won him over that quickly that he doesn't even have a minute second thought?
Is there anything left to do or do I just accept it? Could it be early MLC or is he just going to be happier with OW?
Me 32/H 32 M 3yrs/T 8 yrs 0 kids and 1 dog Bomb 5/15/08 - wants to end it to pursue OW Seeing OW and moving out 7/08
Is there anything left to do or do I just accept it? Could it be early MLC or is he just going to be happier with OW?
Hi Florie, welcome! I'm sorry for the circumstances, but glad you found us here! I think this is a great place with great people!
My opinion is that you can accept it or not, it's up to you and how you feel. I've read on here several times that people somehow know when they are ready to give up. I do think for me I started DBing just to "get my H back" but now DB more for myself as I feel stronger, happier, and healthier. No matter what you decide, everyone here is supportive & always seem to have great advice!
Early MLC I'm not sure; but you could read the MLC Resources posted in the MLC Section and I've found those helpful. From reading others' stories I think my H is going through a classic MLC. If you think your H is in MLC, I think the MLC section is pretty good and can be motivational (for me at least).
Is your H going to be happier with OW? My answer would be no. They say that something like 90% of affairs don't work out, so that is a pretty grim statistic. Also, it sounds like your husband, if not MLC, is definitely depressed. I suffered from depression last year, and was always looking to my H to make me happy or things like a new house. But I finally figured out after many months of therapy, DBing, etc. that only you can make yourself happy, so eventually even though your husband is looking to OW to escape his life or depression, he will find the depression return, as no OW is going to "cure" him in my opinion.
If you're interested in DBing, I recommend (as will I think most people here) the book Divorce Remedy. So far that is my favorite book, and I also like Change Your Life, also by Michele W-Davis. I would also recommend you will probably want to visit the other threads here. Lots of useful info, you'll find we seem to have lots in common, and you also will probably make some good friends here, too! Karen
I am so soory that you find yourself here. I know that the thought of losing the person you entrusted your heart to is unbearably painful. My H just confessed 3 days ago that he was having an A. As surreal as it all seems, I know the best thing I can do is try to focus on me. I realized awhile ago that DBing is NOT about our WS, it is about how we can move on and heal from the pain we have been enduring. As much as I would LOVE for my H to come home and be remorseful about the A, it may never happen and I have to keep going like it will not. If things change between us, then that is a wonderful surprise and I can move on with him knowing that I am a stronger person.
I dont know if this helps or not because I am very new to this as well. I hope the best for you and will be walking this horrible path along with you. Good luck and <hugs>.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
In answer to Puppy, we do not have any kids, which I know is a blessing. I have been as 'dark' as possible this week. I can see he has apartment hunting notes for himself so he is still set on moving out to his own place. I am not sure what OWs living situation is, but doesn't look like he is moving in with her. Moving out is basically so he can be free to come and go with her though so not a big difference.
I was surprised last night (Friday) that he didn't go out (has not gone out since Tuesday and I keep expecting him to). When I got home from work, I pretty quickly went up to my room to relax before going to bed. I thought for sure he would go out at least with his new work friends if not OW, but he stayed in/slept here. At ne point he passed by my room and stopped to tell me something he had read in a magazine that would interest me. Later I was calling the dog in from the hall (dog was being stubborn and would not budge :o) and H came up the stairs to help me with the dog and carried dog into my room for bed. At least it is ice that we can be friendly in the house together I guess. Also, a week ago when I was more chatty still (although still detaching), he was much less friendly and seemed to not want to do anything that might possibly give me hope. Not that a few passing words give me hope, but it is better than no interaction.
Today and going to run a 5k this morning, to a movie with a friend and then hanging out with friends later so hopefully I can keep my mind off of things a little. I expect he will be out looking for apartments and then out tonight as well. As karen43 says, I am REALLY trying to do my own thing and keep busy focused on myself as it does make a difference.
It is going to be hard once he gets his apartment and moves out and I am bracing for it. I think there will still be some limited contact over bills, dog sitting and general house stuff (mowing etc.), but not sure how much he will separate himself.
BTW, I have talked t one of the DB 'coaches' periodically over the phone through the paid sessions (had 4th call over 6 month span just this past week) and have found her VERY comforting. It is just nice to have someone to talk with and offer suggestions, reinforcement, advice. I always feel better after I tt her.
Off to my race :o) Thanks so much for the kind words.
Me 32/H 32 M 3yrs/T 8 yrs 0 kids and 1 dog Bomb 5/15/08 - wants to end it to pursue OW Seeing OW and moving out 7/08
Sounds like you are handle things pretty well considering what is going on. Can I ask what have the coaches suggested for you to do to help the situation. I have often thought of spending the money for it but right now finances are pretty tight.
I will say that the first couple of weeks after my H moved out I was so very angry with him. The void he left in my family's life has horrible. But then something odd happened. I actually started to enjoy having the "me" time. I got to decide what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it. I have to say having lots af great friends who would come over and talk with me help ALOT. I really thought things where moving down the right path until he diclosed his A to me. Now I am slowly picking myself up from that and know that one day I will be ok again.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
My coach knows the entire situation and I basically catch her up each ime we talk. She is good about walking me through what is working and what isn't, making suggestions for 180s, helping me figure out how to handle certain situaions, giving encouragement, etc. I keep a journal of things I have tried or how I have acted and how he has reacted (or not reacted). At this point, we have so little contact (even though he still lives here), and he is so mentally checked out, that I talk to her more about how I can work on myself etc. She has also been insightful on the OW - explaining that these people rarely have any boundaries, the relationships can often be short (don't I wish!) and that eventually the 'honeymoon' phase will be over and they will see each other for who they really are.
Brokenheared - I am sorry that you have had to endure not only the initial shock of him moving out but then the added news of the A. I feel like I got all my news up front. I don't think my H thinks of his as an A since he told me he was going to pursue her before he started spedning the night there etc. - not sure I feel the same. I wil visit your post and leave my comment there :o)
Yesterday I ran my 5k, went to a movie and then out with friends. I got home around midnight and he was not here. I heard him roll in about 2:30am and am sure he was with OW. I am not looking forward to him moving out, but I know it will be better that I won't have to be aware of every minute he is with her when he is not here and out late.
I think I will go out and weed my flower garden and then maybe go to a friends house later. Deep breaths!
Me 32/H 32 M 3yrs/T 8 yrs 0 kids and 1 dog Bomb 5/15/08 - wants to end it to pursue OW Seeing OW and moving out 7/08
How do you do it? At least I did not have to see what he was doing, I thought he was moving out because he was so lost and wanted to find himself. He had been gone 2 months before he admitted to OW. I would go crazy living with my H acting as if A were fine to flaunt in my face. I cant believe you are so strong. I went to a website called fortysixty.org. They talk alot about men in MLC and how the woman reacted to it. One of the women there said that as soon as she found out about OW, she started packing everythng that was her H. As much as she did not want him to leave, she packed him up so that he could see that she was NOT ok with this behavior. Told him that this was the home that they built and if he wanted to build with someone else he needed to leave ASAP. She said it gave her a since of control for her future and helped to protect her heart so that she did not have to see it all the time. Eight months later her H came running home.
I dont know if that is good advice or not since I am so new to this, but I can not imagine allowing my H to remain at home while in an A. I could be totally wrong though. Keep your chin up. As they say "This too will pass".
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I don't think my H thinks of his as an A since he told me he was going to pursue her before he started spedning the night there etc. - not sure I feel the same.
You sound like you are doing great, Florie! My H is the same--b/c he said he wanted a divorce about the day he started the PA he feels it's ok to have an affair (although they had an EA before that too)! But I read of an analogy on someone else's thread a while ago, something like if someone tells you they are going to commit a crime, and then they do the crime, are they innocent of the crime? Of course not. That's very flawed logic!!! Maybe no logic at all??? Karen
Good crime analogy! I actually blew up at my husband a couple of weeks ago because he stayed out all night and then came home late when I was expecting him at a certain time for our dog so I could go out. I told him it was disrespectful, mean and he was rubbing it in my face. I said I thought I was being pretty accomodating but at least until he finds a place he was acting ridiculous. He agreed that it had been disrespectful and asked me what was acceptable. I know he will lie and say he is out with friends if I just banned him from her so I just said staying out all night was what bothered me the most because I am not stupid and know where he is and what is going on. He has not stayed out all night since (or gone out much either oddly), but was out until 2pm or so this weekend. I was out until midnight that night too with friends so it wasn't as bothersome to me. I really am trying to move on because he obviously is. It is hard with him in the house, but I know he is looking for a place so as much as I will hate it, it probably will be easier when he moves out.
I like the telling of the H that he needs to get out if he wants to build a life with someone else. I may resort to more of those tactics if he doesn't find a place soon. I know by giving him a curfew or demands now though it will just make him feel like I am trying to hold on and justify his feeling of being 'trapped'. Plus he would probably just lie to get around it.
Side note, Sunday I went out and didn't tell him when I was coming back. I was with a friend until about 11pm and had a lot of fun. Before I left I asked him how his run had been (it has been pretty much silent treatment between us and I wanted to break the ice a little) - he suddenly was VERY chatty about his day, his run etc. I ended the conversation and left for my friend's house. Monday he emailed me and asked if I wanted him to pick up groceries for me. It was a very sterile email, but he has not emailed me about anything other than realtors and separation logistics for weeks so it was a little different. We ate dinner together last night in front of the tv (i had a lot of extra so offered). No deep conversations, but we don't eat together anymore so that was out of the ordinary as well. I still feel like he is definitely trying not to give me any hope with the way he talks and is most of the time. That's all for now :o)
Me 32/H 32 M 3yrs/T 8 yrs 0 kids and 1 dog Bomb 5/15/08 - wants to end it to pursue OW Seeing OW and moving out 7/08
