He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

Unfortunately I think the sex thing backfired. H feels guilty afterwards because he doesn't feel anything for me. It's obvious he enjoys it in the moment, I even asked him right afterward and he said it was good. Then the next morning comes the wrath.He gets mad at himself and in turn gets mad at me. Yet when I have outright asked him if it's ok to "reach out" still, he says yes. I don't know what I"m supposed to do.

I guess for now I've decided not to initiate anything because I'm too tired of feeling like trash afterwards. Being that sex was a big issue in our marriage I just feel like it's something that makes sense to work on, but I think I'm doing more damage than good.

I asked him to read the first chapter of the SSM book, and he said he would, so I emailed him the link today. Hopefully he doesn't hunt around the message boards and find me. I'd like to have this be private.

Last night he got mad. He's been frustrated that I'm not "on board" with this, and wants me to be moving quicker. But last night he actually got MEAN with some words. It really threw me because he's not a mean person. He's mad that he can't afford to move out, and wants me to get a job so he can.

I feel like it's not my job to make it "easier" for him to leave. He feels that I am responsible for getting him to this place so that it IS part of my responsibility to make this divorce happen in a timely and easier way. We'll never agree on that.

The basic difference in our thoughts. I take responsibility for playing a "part" in getting his emotions here and where he is. But I am NOT walking away. I do NOT want this divorce. So I don't feel that this divorce IS my responsibility. He sees it so differently though. He truly sees divorce as the only option, so therefor I am partly responsible for it.

We'll never agree on that.

Anyway, it was a bad day yesterday. Lots of emotion after he told me he felt bad about the sex, didn't want it to happen again, nothing was going to change, and that I need to stop having hope.

So back to the holding pattern. I'm going to be looking for a part time job a couple days a week to hopefully get enough money for him to leave for awhile. I'm not exactly sure why he wants me to get the job. HE says so I can start saving money for stuff, yet he can't afford to move out. So I'm thinking it's to pay for some of the bills, so he can afford to move out. Which I'm fine with if he wouldn't file right away, but I know he plans to.

He still is in the mindset that he can stop it at any time, so why NOT start it? It's so polar opposite what I believe (that it's much harder to stop once it's started). But I have to accept that he is going to do what he wants to do.

I talked to my FIL yesterday. I had been wanting to call for awhile anyway, and called right after H and my talk. Not the best time as I was very emotional and cried alot. FIL is very sweet and feels very bad. He didn't know what to say. He said they wished for a good outcome. Truly want us to still be together. SAid they loved me. And they too did not understand the rush that H is feeling to do everything NOW. He said they want EVERYONE to be happy, not just H which was nice to hear.

He said again how shocked they all were over it all. I told him everyone was. That I thought THAT alone should be a sign to H that NO one saw this coming. Not just me. He acts like I was in denial of what was going on, and that it should've been obvious. But it wasn't to ANYONE, not just me.

Anyway. That's it for today. STarting over. Trying to go back to LRT, but hard when he's here. AT this point I feel like we stand a better chance if he gets out.

While he's still here he is seeing his girls everyday, he comes home to dinner cooked, laundry is all done together. He is in his home he loves in the country. He still has lots of benefits that he won't after divorce. And I think maybe, just maybe he could miss a thing or two about me if he could get some space.

I have a gazillion places I could go, and would be tempted to just to get the space we need, but I can't. I won't do anything that could possible reflect on me poorly in a custody dispute or anything. But we need the space so bad.

Chris