Moved out Sunday...very upset.

[JennyB]

His demeanor was quiet and somewhat reflective...I haven't seen him like that in a while.

The only thing is, I have ALWAYS been there for him, and always put myself out there. I feel like I should go dark sometimes. On the other hand, noww that the stress of the house is gone, he won't view me as the nagging wife anymore. He has huge resentment for me. But you never know - if it worked for you , it could work for me.

Were you at a point where things looked hopeless?

[TwinDad]

Hey Julia,

Quiet and erflective is a good thing....it means he is actually thinking about thinks instead of "running". I have certainly had my moments of hopelessness.

In my M my W has had a lot of resentment towards me and in particular considered me to be passive aggressive and very controlling. When it came to time to move I had two choices. I could have gone completely dark and not helped her at all. I had always been there for her and did most of the day to day organizing things for her, or I could decide to be her friend and help her move.

I basically decided to help her move but not do everything. Basically to let her expereince a little of the unpleasantries of moving and daya to day organizing, but steping in to help when it was needed. I think she was able to appreciate the things I did but then was also able to see that I loved her enough to not let her hang out in the wind. I think if I went completely dark at that time that she would have had a very difficult time at first but then would have likely just got ticked off at me and this would have just galvanized her decision to separate in the first place thinking "see he didn't really love me afterall, if he did he would have helped me move"

I will say I experimented a little in the beginning of the move with going dark and the results were very combatitive, so I adjusted. Last night I was out with her and her friends, and a coupe of her friends told me that "she wants you back big time". So something must be going right.

I think the important thing is to try something and evaluate, just like the DB books say

[TwinDad]

Ughhh...sorry Jenny, I had Julia on my mind from something I read just before

[JennyB]

Last night I called him to fill him in on some financial/lawyer stuff pertaining to the house. We agreed to go more in depth with it this week. I tried to stay light and cheery with him, and I asked him how his first night at his place was. He said it was alright, and that he's getting his stuff organized. I just said that I would talk to him later...he said "thanks for the call..."

I guess, a non-eventful converstaion, but not a negative one. The weird thing now is, every time I see him, it will either be on his or my turf, no longer our turf...weird feeling.

Next time I talk to him I'll let him know if he needs help with anything, I'm there. I just don't want to continue with the whole doormat thing, I'm fearful of putting myself out there.

People around me are all saying I have to cut everything off with him. Then I go on this site, and it looks like I should be doing the opposite. I'm very confused.

[TwinDad]

People around me are all saying I have to cut everything off with him. Then I go on this site, and it looks like I should be doing the opposite. I'm very confused.

Jenny,

I know what you mean, I was told by all my W's family and friends to just cut her off completely and watch her drown in her own space. I knew in my heart that this was not the right answer. I decided to suck up my pride and just be her best friend and have observed positive results.

No one knows your H as good as you do, so you need to go with what you feel is right. I would just recommned whatever approach you take, try it, observe results and adjust as necessary.

It sounds like he appreciated the call....he might be a little lonely but too proud to say anything.

So far my approach seems to be working for me. Just go in with a childs mind, don't expect to get any results.

Being a doormat was one of my biggest fears but I just looked at it from the perspective that regardless of what happended at the end of the day, I gave with my heart and with love knowing I might not receive anything in return.

Best wishes with which ever approach you take, just don't be afraid to change your approach if it isn't working

[TwinDad]

People around me are all saying I have to cut everything off with him. Then I go on this site, and it looks like I should be doing the opposite. I'm very confused.

Jenny,

I know what you mean, I was told by all my W's family and friends to just cut her off completely and watch her drown in her own space. I knew in my heart that this was not the right answer. I decided to suck up my pride and just be her best friend and have observed positive results.

No one knows your H as good as you do, so you need to go with what you feel is right. I would just recommned whatever approach you take, try it, observe results and adjust as necessary.

It sounds like he appreciated the call....he might be a little lonely but too proud to say anything.

So far my approach seems to be working for me. Just go in with a childs mind, don't expect to get any results.

Being a doormat was one of my biggest fears but I just looked at it from the perspective that regardless of what happended at the end of the day, I gave with my heart and with love knowing I might not receive anything in return.

Best wishes with which ever approach you take, just don't be afraid to change your approach if it isn't working

[cat03]

unless people have been on your exact same shoes they have not right nor voice to tell him to drop him. Of course it is easy to say this!! so, dont' listen to those negative voices, before they get any farther thank them for their concern and change the topic.

The only thing is, I have ALWAYS been there for him, and always put myself out there. I feel like I should go dark sometimes. On the other hand, noww that the stress of the house is gone, he won't view me as the nagging wife anymore.

I also was the one always there for him, always trying to "save" him at my own expense". Minimizing contact when you think you are too clingy will help you.
And yes, now that he is alone he will face his own demons and realize, hopefully, that you werent' the source of all his ills.

[JennyB]

I am hoping that's what will happen. He lived in our house for the last 3 months by himself, and I would only come by to get something, or to move stuff out. I feel like it will be different now that he really has his own place, and it has no ties to me. I'm thinking that keeping it 'professional' and only calling for legal, or financial reasons.

I've even been told to be a bit of a bitch to him, but that is just not me. I want to give him a reason to want to come back. I can try to be strong and nice at the same time.

[JennyB]

So it's been 6 weeks since we have had no contact...what do I do??? I don't want to call him, I am just kind of waiting for when he says he filing for D...but no sign of it yet...

From what I'm hearing from friends, he's gone really gray, and lost a little weight. We are also still getting mail from our old place, and when I went last, he has had mail from his business just sitting there in our old mailbox...cheques, invoices, delivery notices. He knows the mail is there for him. It seems like is shutting down. He also hasn't been on the social scene either...

I thought of sending him an email just saying I'm thinking of him, and hope he doing ok...any suggestions?

[lovehopefaith]

Not that I'm an expert in this by any means...

Maybe drop him an e-mail about the mail, as a reminder? And just add a cheery, "hope all is well" at the end?

The one thing I have learned from this site and the books is that every situation is different. Not everything works for everybody. The only true rules are "don't push, plead, beg" and "be patient."

So maybe send an e-mail? Then see if it works. If it doesn't, move on. If you does, maybe reply with another light follow-up. Then take it from there.

Thanks for reading my thread too. It's nice to know one is not along in their misery, isn't it?