Its hard. But speaking from someone who did it the wrong way, trust me, hang in there and take things slowly. Its about giving up some of the control that I think we all instinctively possess. When we hurt, our immediate reaction is to cling. The problem is the more we cling, the harder they work to get away.
Again, its easier said than done. Just keep it in mind.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
so today I had lunch with my mother in law. She has been really understanding of the situation and told me that she doesn't understand him emotionally and never really has. She said she doesn't understand whats going on with him. I know that he really struggles with commitment and I am not the first person he has left. It seems that he does this. Falls in love quickly and then the love fades. I am the only one he has gone as far as marrying. I haven't heard anything from him since the last text. Do I just sit and wait. I am trying to move on with my life but its so hard because I do still love him. I need closure from him, but I don't know that I will ever get that. I am really struggling. I feel like I am in highschool again, I mean this is my husband I am talking about and I don't even feel like I can talk to him. Its like a big game. I don't know how to move past the pain. Can anyone help me here, what should I be doing?
Hi, you said you need closure from him. What do you mean by that? Are you saying that if he says he doesn't want the M to work that you can move on without him?
As others have told you, read all the articles Michelle has here on the board and read the other threads. That will be very helpful. Most of all.....don't stop posting!
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am pretty sure he doesn't want it to work. I really don't want to move on without him but if I have to then I have to, I can't live my life fighting a battle I can never win. I am just so confused all the time, I don't know where to go from here. I try and keep up with everyday life but as time goes on it doesn't seem to get any easier, people always say time will heal everything, but I am not feeling any better.
First of all, take time....however much you need, to figure out what it is you want. You may want to write down a list of pros and cons.....but no matter how long the list of cons are.....if at the bottom you say you still love him, that can withstand a lot. You talk as if you are leaving everything entirely up to him when you speak of needing closure, etc. What do you want? I certainly wouldn't want to live with a man that is disrepectful and mean to me (I wouldn't live with a man like that!), but have you any idea what made him change? Did he sort of marry his job.....or as they say, did his job become his mistress? Is he under a terrible amount of stress every day? That can make a man mean when he comes home. Have you seen a difference in the bedroom? Does he show any affection toward you at all? If you were like separated but under the same roof for quite some time, then I gather these things weren't happening and he didn't make any moves to change that. When you moved out......it probably did sting his pride.
I think no contact on your part is the first step while you are figuring out just what it is you want to do with your life. Then when you know your own mind and heart, we can talk more. But, I think that is the first thing to do. I know you must feel very confused right now and the pain is clouding the thought process for you. That is why you need time. Please don't run up and get a D. I don't understand why couples do that so fast without giving it time and each other some space. If you think he is involved with another woman, then we can approach it from that POV. But, first things, first.
Take care, and I'll talk with you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey feeling, sorry you are hear, but there are some good people. My W and I have been spearated for about 1 month. In the time leading up to the S, I would ask her to lets work on our M to which I would always hear "I would have to want to work on my M and I don't want to". It was painful and hurtful. I must say I was failing misearbly at DB, of course I hadn't bought the book at that time either. Since implementing some of those strategies (basically I am choosing to be her best friend and let her initiate contact and I never bring up the R) I have heard from some of her friends that she very much wants me back.
I doubt seriously she will ever come out and say that (too much pride), but I have noticed little baby steps.
I guess the only advice I could give would be if you want to have your M work then don't give up. Remember, DB principals are based on you changing (yourself, your approach, etc) and those changing affecting a change in your spouse. Also remember to believe nothing of what you hear from them and only about half of what you see.
Best wishes
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Hey feeling, sorry you are hear, but there are some good people. My W and I have been spearated for about 1 month. In the time leading up to the S, I would ask her to lets work on our M to which I would always hear "I would have to want to work on my M and I don't want to". It was painful and hurtful. I must say I was failing misearbly at DB, of course I hadn't bought the book at that time either. Since implementing some of those strategies (basically I am choosing to be her best friend and let her initiate contact and I never bring up the R) I have heard from some of her friends that she very much wants me back.
I doubt seriously she will ever come out and say that (too much pride), but I have noticed little baby steps.
I guess the only advice I could give would be if you want to have your M work then don't give up. Remember, DB principals are based on you changing (yourself, your approach, etc) and those changing affecting a change in your spouse. Also remember to believe nothing of what you hear from them and only about half of what you see.
Best wishes
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Hey, I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm in the process of going dark at the moment and it is really difficult going against your instincts which are screaming out to fix this. Michelle says that doing nothing isn't doing nothing - I am trying to hold on to that and to the fact that when I actively tried to get my husband to change he retreated into work more.
mkultra mentioned some Dr Ellen Cds earlier in the thread. Does anyone have any further info on these at all?
I'm fairly new to posting here and I have to say I have found it a real help.
Thanks Twindad, the advice you gave "to believe nothing of what you hear from them and only about half of what you see" was huge for me. My H looks and seems like he is doing wonderfully well but I wonder if its an act. I wish I had some real insight on how he really is, the only thing I have is the text that told me he missed me. I hold onto that and think that there might be hope. His job changed who he was, he became less loving and the affection dissapeared. His colleagues at work were feeding his ego and he no longer needed support from me. His work is extremely stressful and works very long hours, even at home when he didn't need to be working he was. Sometimes he would wake very early and fall asleep very late just to work. I feel that there has been another women at work he grew close to and she filled a void for him. She gave him what I guess he couldn't get from me. I do want to save the marriage but I don't want to be with who he is today. I fell in love with a carefree man and I don't even know the cold, heartless person he has become.
Sounds a lot like a number of years in my M. My W had a very demanding and succesful job and for a number of years we were kind of on "autopilot".
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My H looks and seems like he is doing wonderfully well but I wonder if its an act
I know what you mean....my W and I would get a long just fine, we were sleeping in the same bed and yet she could sit there and tell family and friends that we were separating in the same demeanor as if she was asking how the weather was. I had the hardest time wrapping my head around that one and still don't get it aside from writing it off as a defensive wall....these walls eventually have to come down and that is when they miss you....though it might not all come out at once.
Quote:
I do want to save the marriage but I don't want to be with who he is today. I fell in love with a carefree man and I don't even know the cold, heartless person he has become.
Nor should you, but by making the changes in your life, you can inspire changes in your H that can bring him back (or better) than the person he once was (at least that is what I keep on telling myself)
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
