Donna--finding herself #25

[BethM]

Hi t,

Great advice and beautiful verse. It is a long long road that's for sure, and Donna has come a long way. I think that for all of us who have already walked through the fire and know how hard it is, we tend to wish we could take away the pain from those who come behind us in this journey. Sadly we know that it doesn't work like that.

I agree, faith is what it all comes down to. I'm so glad that your story reminds us all how important it is.

Love,
Bethie

[Reincarnated]

I wish that I had been stronger in my faith. It was absent from my life from the time I was an early teen until very recently, and I struggle with it. I lost faith due to things growing up, and felt like stbx rescued me from that. In a warped sense, my faith had been in my stbx and my marriage--I didn't need anything else.

I think having faith in a Higher Power is having faith in yourself...a quiet side that compliments and supports self-esteem. Again, a struggle. I have learned so much about the whys for that, but it comes down to believing.....

I can know these things intellectually, but that doesn't seem to easily transfer over to my emotional well-being.

So, I am tired now. This is a high-stress time at work, grad school is looming over my head, the yard has awokened and threatens to get completely out of control, all the kids' activities are coming to a head.......now I understant my dad's desire to go live in a cave (a half-joke). But I am getting through it, a minute at a time. There are many more minutes that are ok, than ones that aren't. It actually feels good to get caught up in the mundane....

Thanks for the kind words,
D

[Reincarnated]

It has been an interesting past two days. My thoughts are bouncing all over the place.

Last night, we went over Radical Acceptence and Willfulness vs. Willingness. aka: Letting Go.

Tonight at AlAnon: Patience, being Willing to Wait / stay in the moment / Just for Today--Accept things the way they are
(and, while waiting, practice Gratitude)

All fitting in with the messages here, the IC. Please, let me get this.

Anyone here remember the Seinfeld episode with George's father, screaming: SERENTITY NOW!!!! I have been just as ineffective with all of this! (OK, at least I made myself laugh a little with the memory).

So, I spoke with the IC today about tomorrow's session with stbx. She wanted to make sure that we were on the same page as far as the agenda went. OK, we were a little off. (her internet is down and she missed my email).

Her impression from both stbx and I was that she would explain why I have had such a hard time over the last year--abandonment issues, how he has handled himself, etc. It would not be to rehash why we were in this place (which I agreed). He pretty much came out and told her that I should be over it, and questioned whether therapy was doing anything for me.
I also hoped that we could stop the misinterpretations that he has had over what she has recommended that each of us do--we will all be in the room together, so he can't turn around and tell me that my IC told him to hang up on me, etc.

After thinking about it, I also told her that I'd like him to know that I am much stronger than his current perception allows for (unfortunately, when I have contacted him anytime over the last 6 months, it has always been from a very low, weak place--now, that is all he thinks that I am). For him to understand that I will be fine. I guess as a kind of damage control for my desperation.

To let him know that I am not crazy. As she has said so often, I am right where I am supposed to be in the process. That my actions have not been driven out of selfishness, but a strong belief that things could have been better between us, that marriage is VERY important and the best place to raise children. My rationals, some of the things that I have learned. But also the acceptence that we will be divorced in 9 days.

I will be happy if the animosity is just turned down a notch. That he no longer feels it necessary to "be mean to me on purpose, so as to not raise false hope."

I also told her that I hoped that he would come to understand a little more about me and what happened between us, that it might lead to some forgiveness, and maybe leave the door open a little for him to consider a different path someday in the future.

Sounds like a tall order, huh? Well, I'm not going to talk at all, so we will see what happens....maybe now I will finally be able to Shut Up.

[oldtimer]

Donna,

I hope you have a good day tomorrow and are able to accomplish what you want. Recognize that the session tomorrow is all about you, your needs, your wants, your perceptions. It will not change things with stbx. Imagine having session with your IC and my next door neighbor to discuss your mental health and future R with my neighbor. That is about how plugged in stbx is apt to be. At best. For, his agenda is to hear something different and to get you to hear what he wants you to hear.

Stop trying to manipulate stbx or trying to have others do it for you. Stop trying to get him to see things your way. Neither of you is anywhere near an objective outlook on things. You want to think he is crazy. He wants to think you are crazy. Probably neither of you are crazy, just struggling with a major life change. Remember, it doesn't really matter what he thinks as long as business matters are taken care of. He is not your romantic partner or friend.

When you are at your best, you get this: http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/06/03/o.awful.shut.up/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Your other groups and IC seem to help you get to that place... I worry that posting here tends to take you away from that place.

[cat03]

Stop trying to manipulate stbx or trying to have others do it for you. Stop trying to get him to see things your way. Neither of you is anywhere near an objective outlook on things. You want to think he is crazy.

for the longest time I was trying to hard to do the above, to get some solace from stbx, some consolation...nah. Our R (well, dead R) convos always degenerated and I was left feeling worse. OT would remind me that what I was doing was akin to a victim trying to get comfort from her abuser.

Since I've stopped bringing my feelings towards ow/a/betrayals we've been able to be cordial to one another. I will leave the judging to God, he was a true sack of crap with me, but all in due time, I will now be in good terms with him because of the kids and only because of them.

[fig]

Donna

please do this with that understanding that the things you would like to have happen probably wont

what will you get from it



we all seek closure and unfortunately in the place where we landed it seldom occurs

you have to learn to make your own closure

to let yourself know that it doesn't matter what he thinks or thinks he sees or anything else

[NikB]

Good luck today Donna. OT - great points. I wanted to thank you for that article too - it was great for me to read as well!

[Trip]

Good luck, Donna.

[Reincarnated]

Well, how did yesterday go?
Not what I expected. I came away feeling like stbx felt validated in everything that he has done and said over the last 18 months, and that I was a crazy, codependent nut case.
I left, found a parking lot and cried really hard for about an hour. Then I went home to my kids, made dinner, did the bedtime routine with them and went to bed early.

It was "agreed" that any convos would only be around the kids. I'm sticking to email; I have nothing left to say to him.

Looking at it in the light of day, it may have been the thing that needed to be done. But it sure sucked going through it. I really wonder sometimes if I am going to survive this whole thing; I know there are times that I don't want to.

[NikB]

(((Donna)))

Sorry that it was so hard to hear all this again. I'm not very surprised at how it went. You are not crazy - you're working through a lot of very difficult things. (co-dependent, maybe, but that takes 2 - and you're working so hard on this, I hope you give yourself credit for that).

It was "agreed" that any convos would only be around the kids. I'm sticking to email; I have nothing left to say to him.

Good!! Now - stick with it this time, ok??

I really wonder sometimes if I am going to survive this whole thing; I know there are times that I don't want to.

(((Donna)))

You know that you can choose to survive it, and make a great life for yourself. Work on getting back to that place soon. Your kids deserve it. YOU deserve it.