Cagz is really moving ahead Wierd...

[cagzmom]

[quote=Underdog]

That being said, I have a different thought on the trying with OW issue... just remember that "try" in his vocabulary means something totally different than "try" with you. "Try" with you means put forth an extreme effort to heal individual and marital hurts with the common goal of working on the R. "Try" with her means that he will try to minimize collateral damage as much as possible because he's pretty sure that his failures with you and her AND your kids are going to mean exposure to him. BTW, exposure is going to mean that everyone knows he's failing at everything he's doing.

Wow - now that is some good insight. EXPOSURE is something that H has ALWAYS RUN from....ALWAYS. In his career he would quit before he "Failed".

You're not responsible for this mess or throwing him a life line. Saving himself is an inside job. You have a hard enough time taking care of yourself and your kids. So my free advice is to don a new set of glasses and take a look over at his train wreck. You weren't the cause of it, so you're not responsible for the solution. HE is.

Ahhh and this is the spin cycle that I get into....the fixer-- the wonderful identity that i carried for 20 years. I lvoe what you said..."Saving himself is an INSIDE JOB..." oh how I hope he chooses to do that---for my children and yes for me (note I didn't say for R)

But fear isn't going to solve the problem and neither is your STBXH. The only part of this equation you can control is how you deal with your own set of problems. Put on a pair of blinders and stop looking at his train wreck.

Ahh the NEW LIFE -- of taking care of me. That is so different and yes not what I wanted and bla bla bla... Blinders. This is so new to me - not helping/rescuing someone else. BUT I DO KNOW it is time.

You can't force friendship with someone who doesn't want it. So let sleeping dogs lie for now and just take care of yourself and your kids. That's all God asks of you. Let HIM worry about your H, okay? That job is bigger than you and it's not yours.

Thank you again --