Gotta throw this in H4H, because you are walking down a path that I myself traversed not to long ago and believe me, I learned a lot.
One thing that took me forever to learn was that every time I threw OM in my W's face, I reinforced my inability to listen to her and not hear her message as to why she was leaving me. Your W, just as mine, truly believes that OM is not a factor in the deterioration of your marriage. Everytime you bring this into your conversations you are driving a stake into the ground that she will have to jump over if you two are ever to mend your marriage.
As simply put as I can, you better figure out forgiveness in your heart if you really want to salvage your marriage. My best advice to you, forget OM, forget who he is, forget what they did, and forget blaming him for all of this.
I am not some dikk coming in here to blast you. I have read back a bit and I will tell you that I admire what you are doing with your kids. They will never doubt when they look back that they have a dad who loves them very much. Kudos to you for that.
Now take that same energy that you put into being a tremendous dad and focus it on detaching from your wife. That is the key that you need to unlock all of this. The ability to lovingly detach is very very difficult, but if you can just keep pushing yourself and do it, it will pay off with huge dividends.
Hang in there H4H, your doing fine, just hitting the same stumbling blocks that we all do.
