Oh peace! I'm back to being stuck and unsure of what I want to do! So much for strong.

H went to dinner with us for S6's birthday. (First time since his birthday last year.) Dinner was good - we talked about work stuff and mutual friends, he asked about the kids, he joked a bit, we laughed. It was all so painfully normal.

It made me miss him - being with someone, having someone to talk to and eat with, but most of all, I miss being a family.

He spends so little time with the boys that he asked me about their personalities. About S2, I said "He HAS to have his way - sound familiar?" (meaning H) - he grunted in agreement. About S6, I said "He's extremely tolerant and patient - just like his mama" - again he grunted in agreement.

H didn't come by my new place like I thought he would. I haven't invited him yet.

He's still with ogre, but apparently she's unhappy with how much he's been going out (almost every night) so he's been going home earlier.

I'm thinking I really need to put an end to this cycle. No matter how much I GAL and have a PMA, hoping for a positive outcome for my M means I'm waiting for him to come home. I don't want to spend my life waiting anymore. But then I also have been reminding myself to be patient and go for what I want - and I remember someone posting the story about being 5 minutes away from your miracle.

How far am I willing to go, what am I willing to do to get what I want? I've even been considering playing the role of OW but not sure I can lower myself to that level, IF the opportunity ever arose. Will maybe start a thread on the topic.

Upside, thanks for reminding me to count my blessings. I know I have many. Right now, I just can't stop focusing on the one blessing I'm missing.

I want some insight on what H is going through, but then again I know it doesn't necessarily apply to my H. And when I start thinking it doesn't apply to him, I think I'm delusional and just need to get this D over and done with and move on.

So lost again! Need to get back on track. Just don't know which track I want to get on this time!