Pregnant and trying to be stronger

[JennyF]

blindsided,
I've been away for a while...lots has happened that I haven't caught up on, but I want to reply specifically to your post on the C-section.

I was in the exact same boat. A scheduled C section, breech baby, decision whether to have him there or not.

I guess what also is worrying me is that I know being there is really important to him. But, it's important to him because he wants to be there for the baby, not to support ME.

I know this sounds crazy, but try not to take this personally. Just think of Kendall, it is good for HER that he wants to be there. I personally was of the opinion that if I couldn't hold my baby for the first time (because of the surgery), then I thought it should be his father who held him first. For the baby.

I'm very scared about the C-section. Can't help it, surgery does that to me.

I hear you. It was a little different for me because it was my second C-section. Know that it is very routine for the Dr's and you're in good hands.

I need to feel cared about and safe and I worry that H just isn't going to do that for me.

Would anyone else be able to do this for you? If so, then consider it. For me, I knew that no one could actually give me what I wanted in that delivery room. Not H..or my mom...or anyone. I wanted to feel loved as I brought our child into the world. I wanted to feel like a family. But blindsided, no one is going to be able to give you this right now. And the decision to have him there or not have him there won't make a difference as to whether you get it or not. I speak from experience, but not to convince you to have him there. If you don't want to, you shouldn't. Again, that is one reason why I didn't make the firm decision until the night before, I had to base it on how I was emotionally feeling at the time.

Part of me really does not want him there. I can only have 1 person in there with me and I'm afraid that H just won't step up for me.

What do you deam as "step up for me"? Is this is an expectation that he is going to do something for you in that delivery room. I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You'll be letting him in in the hopes that he is going to have his epiphany and finally 'step up'...and if he doesn't you'll feel let down again.
But if you drop the expectation and just have him there to take part in the birth of his daughter, then it could be a wonderful experience for you both. Even if it is individual experiences...and not the perfect way you pictured it. Forget that perfect picture...when you see your daughter your picture will perfect. I promise.

That the only reason he would be there is for him. It's pretty obvious that H doesn't really care about me. He may care about his D eventually, but I'm just an afterthought.

There is going to come a point in all of this...especially as the two of you begin to co-parent, that you are going to face this often. What I mean you will have to face, is that it isn't going to be about you, it will now always be about Kendall. So maybe try to think of it that it isn't about him, or you, but about HER.
And STOP putting the negative spins on things that don't warrant it. Why even call yourself an afterthought??? (Sorry...quick 2X4 there!)

I completely understand how you're feeling and how down you are. I know what it's like to feel scared and alone and like your dream has been shattered. I know what it's like to wonder if it is even right to bring a child into this craziness. I know that sounds awful, but it is the truth. I know what is running through your mind and your heart and I wish that I could put my arms around you and take it away. Silly me! I'm sitting here in tears right now as those memories come flooding back to me. I know I know I know. But you can and you will have this baby and be ok. You can and will have surgery and find the strength to support YOURSELF in that operating room. It is in YOU. Accept all of this for what it is right now and the strength will come.

You have gotten yourself this far girl, with flying colours. Be proud of yourself. And know that you are a strong woman who can do this without him. You've done it without him for a long time now, and you continue to do it every day.

I support you whether you choose to have him in the room or not. I personally am glad that H was there. He wasn't my husband in that room, but he was and will always be my son's father.
I love ya!!
J~