On The Rollercoaster Ride!

[addie]

Hi Nlt, I think you are right - that is a big part of why he is distant but there's more.

Yesterday H was very distant all day. He finished moving all of his stuff back here. I told him S and I were going to church. He said he wasn't going because he wanted to finish moving his things but then decided to go to church with us - he never used to miss church on Sundays.

Last night we talked about OR and how it ended (as per my request). He was very open about it.

Here is what he said about OW/OR:
-he feels he was used right from the beginning
-all she wanted was a very good evaluation from him to advance her career and when she got that she ended the R
-he wrote her evaluation but she had him rewrite it with her own version of what it should be
-she has now moved on with another guy
-he called her a slut
-she is EXTREMELY screwed up - parents divorced when she was young, mother is in a lesbian R and is an alcoholic, claims she was sexually abused, she was engaged last year, broke it off and the guy was suicidal
-such a screwed up life and she is only 25

H is very angry with himself for getting involved with someone like that - he knows that he's lost so much with S and I moving away soon. In fact after hearing all of this, I now feel a lot of anger that he would throw away our M for such a person. I have lost a lot of respect for him and I don't know how I'll get it back.
The other thing he said that really scares me is that he wants to get revenge for her using him. I have tried to talk some sense into him that she's not worth it at all. He's at a very low point right now. He kept asking me if I wanted revenge and I said definitely not - she is not worth it.
I can't believe all of this!!!

[happynow]

WOW! I know what you mean about loosing respect for him & if you can get it back. I think that is where both of you need to go to IC & also MC. If he is wanting revenge, that is not good either but maybe that is just his anger coming out & he will finally get over it. I do think he needs some help with that, did he say how he wanted to get revenge?

I'm glad you are trying to talk sense into him b/c she is not worth his or your time anymore. He has already wasted enough time & energy on her.

I know you are in a bad spot right now, you have been so strong you keep hanging in there. I'm glad you & H are talking openly about all this b/c I think that is what needs to happen according to everything I've read. You do need a good MC.

(((HUGS))) You need them right now!!

[addie]

Nlt - thanks so much for your support.

I sure hope this is just his anger coming out and he will get past this in time. My H has never been an angry person but then again I never thought he'd EVER be involved with someone like this. He's really upset with himself for being such a fool. I've been telling him he needs IC and he agrees he has issues to deal with but has not taken any steps to get help.

[Kalni]

addie,

he has to deal with himself now, and the "I" is usually very harsh on "ME"... Be there for him. Kindness, compassion and love. I am happy for you, go ahead, move to piecing!!
K

[happynow]

Addie,

From what everyone has said, most MLCer's get angry. My H sure did but of course it was during all that was going on & so far he hasn't started coming out of it yet. I hope he will & that he is not too proud to let me know.

I agree with Kalni, I think he has to deal with himself & what he has done. That can be very emotional, plus he knows he went against the Ten Commandments & that is probably weighing very heavy on him right now.

You know, he can repent & God forgives, he has to know & figure that out!

[ping1]

Addie, I am so glad to hear about your H wanting to recommit to the M, this is such great news. Keep on doing what you have been doing, you are doing great and an inspiration for many of us on this board.

[addie]

Hi Kalni and Nlt, thanks so much for posting.

I was feeling pretty angry at what H told me last night about OW until I read your posts today and then I softened, called H and told him not to spend any more time or energy worrying about getting revenge or even thinking about OW - that sort of person is NOT worth it. He needs to focus on healing himself first, spending lost time with S and focus on repairing our M. He is not as distant today but I know it will continue to be a rollercoaster.
My H had solid moral values and is now dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt, remorse and anger about what he has done.

[addie]

Hi Ping - thanks for your support.

[Connie44]

Addie--
This is wonderful news! you are such an inspiration in how you've continued to handle yourself- you deserve this breakthrough!

[craig54]

addie, great news, what you told your husband about not getting revenge was appropriate. it is wasted energy, his guilt , and anger
needs to be refocused on healing your relationship. i will pray for both of you. nicely done.!!!