Also I think he may have broken things off with her because, she received a really quick phone call last night and then she was in this really pissy mood. I didnt ask or inquire, but her attitude really went south after she got off the phone.
Will do, it was just weird, that when she got the call she went into the other room, and came back and her attitude was just nasty with all of us, me and the kids. I never seen her like this before, and also I saw before yesterday she erased his number out of her phone. Like I said I dont know whats going on but I will not mention retrouvaille again, I promise. Like I said I just want to be sure, that she is going into this with an opened mind thats all, and thats the only reason I bring it up. not to hang hopes on it but I believe it can be a start.
No I can make that promise, because I do not want to push her further away from me than she already is. So I will not mention it again, because as she said today, no we are going. We need to find some other tools to communicate to see if we can bring things back together. So thats it wont mention it again to her, the thing that bothers me is that it is like 2 months away. i have to stay cool and quiet until such time. get anxious just thinking about it, but I have to keep my composure.
When she talks, listen and validate. Don't talk much.
If you want tools to communicate, that's what Retrouvaille is all about. Whether they get used is up to the two of you (my W has chosen not to) but it will give you are great tool.
Don't worry too much about how committed she is, you can't control that, anyway. If she goes, she's at least committed enough to listen, and maybe that will be enough.
I know this is hard. We all know this is hard. We’ve all been right where you are now, but please stop looking for solutions. Stop looking for ways to communicate. Stop looking for ways to make her DO anything.
The only person you can change right now is you. Look at her complaints as someone else has said. Look at your marriage. It didn’t get this way overnight. It didn’t get this way only because of her falling for another guy at work. It got this way over time. Both of you contributed. The only thing you can do right now is take care of YOUR part.
Don’t expect her to communicate. Drop all relationship talk unless she initiates. Ever heard of “act as if”?? Act as if everything is fine. Act as if you are OK. Act as if nothing is out of the ordinary right now. Pretend she is a friend and that there are no problems right now and examine your part in this.
What are some 180’s you can do?? Something totally different from the norm. Something that she would never expect you to do. Nothing relationship related things like – do you ever cook dinner? If not, come home and cook dinner for everyone one night. Leave your wet towel on the bathroom floor? Try hanging it up. Perhaps you cater to her every whim and do everything around the house. Try not doing so much (but don’t let yourself live in filth). Never make a decision? Leave all that to her? Start making some. Take some of the burden off her if that is the case.
You get the picture. Do little things for her. Not overt. Not crazy expressing your undying love for her all the time, but little things. I bought my H some special candy that he likes and just acted like I saw it at the store and picked it up because I was there. I framed some pictures of our kids for his office at the same time that I did some for myself. No mushy cards, no fancy gift wrap, just little thoughtful things that seem like no big deal really. Don’t go overboard with these. I would do one every month or less frequently. Anymore and it appears you are trying to win them over with gifts (not good)
Drop all expectations. Stop assuming anything about her interactions with OM. You are most likely wrong anyway. Our imaginations have a tendency to go wild and think up all sorts of crazy things during this time. I laugh about some of the stuff I thought up now that I know the truth.
This is going to take longer than a couple of weeks. This is probably going to take longer than a couple of months. We all come here thinking we are different and that our spouses will be back quicker than others. Drop that expectation. This may even take more than a couple of years. Fasten your seat belt. This is not a fun ride and it’s not a quick on either.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Thank you I already told her early on that I was in for the long run. Im not going to give up unless she files the paper work and I have to sign them. My kids and my marriage means alot to me, not to mention her. I will keep doing the DBing and pray for the best. me and my daughter pray every night before she goes to bed, and that makes me feel awhole lot better than before. So like I said her birthday is next friday, I will get her something from the kids and a card that we all signed. Will keep you updated as I will be looking for advice Thank You all and God Bless
Weekend went ok. I didnt bring up the retrouvaille situation but one of there representatives called us to do a follow up. And just was asking what I felt was our primary problem. She welcomed it at first and then seemed to shut down along the way. I did'nt say much during the process other then well it seems we have the problems like regular couples and so forth. So after that other then me dreaming and in my damn sleep I told her I want to make love to you for the last time, dont know where that came from. She started asking alot of questions about it, asking me if I plan on leaving. I was like I was dreaming and that was it, so now she is the one who is like on the defensive. Crazy how this is sizing up. Just have to keep my mind on the big picture
