42 billion in stocks and such a small percentage of the earnings goes to the people who live in AK...so percent of interest divided by 600,000 the rest goes to state projects.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I saw Jeff last night when I took dinner to D12. He had been sick again all week so I just picked her up something fast to give him a break. S15 spent the night with my mom to mow grass for his "customers" out where she lives.
The kids and I had been shooting BB guns last weekend - a first for me and afterwards I REALLY wanted one of my own like Jeff's CO2 pistol, so I bought one yesterday - I showed it to him last night and asked him if I could come over and shoot today - and wash my car & I offered to wash his Explorer too. He said yes so I went over there around noon today after a trip to the armpit of America - Wal-Mart. He was on the tractor when I got there and I noticed the front yard needed cut so I asked him if he minded if I pushed it. He said no so I did. Then I sat with him for a while on the back porch, then washed my car, mom dropped off S15 - I took D12 to her friend's neighborhood for a pool party (Jeff let me drive his Explorer there, A FIRST!) After I got back we sat on the porch for a bit together with S15 then Jeff and I went out and washed his truck together. S15 mowed the back yard and I started shooting. My gun sucks. But I took the rifle and kicked S15's butt . I am a good shot once I shoot that first time and adjust accordingly .
I knew all day today was the day. I just didn't know how or when.
After we cleaned up everything I sent S15 to load up his stuff in my car and told him I needed to talk to Dad.
I started by telling him I like our relationship the way it is now and I consider it a blessing considering all that has gone on between us, specifically referencing my doings. I told him that for 2 1/2 years I have been trying to make things right. I told him straight up that I want to be together because I love him, that I want to do so much but when I think of doing things I just think of how much I want it to be him doing them with me. I told him about my struggle with guilt. That I have realized that in the beginning - after moving into the apartment - everything I did was out of a spirit of guilt. I told him guilt almost destroyed me and it wasn't until I hit rock bottom with it that I was able to overcome it and although I will always have deep regrets, I feel free now and now when I come over and help out with the yard or call him just to talk and see how he's feeling, I do it out of nothing but love. I told him I feel the difference - which I didn't even know of before. I told him how much I love coming out and working with him in the yard, cooking out, etc...that it feels so natural to be with him.
He told me he thinks about it sometimes; us getting back together. But mostly he just worries about the bills, not losing the house and how soon can he get back to work. And he said he wonders "what if...?". I told him I understand the trust issues that he understandably has but if after 2 1/2 years he can't see that I am a different person and my heart is with him, there just isnt anything more I can do. I told him I wish he didn't just love the stupid girl he married but could also love the woman I am today.
I told him we are in limbo. That I am stagnant and it is sucking the life out of me. I told him I wasn't talking about S15 and I moving back in the house because I know being all crammed in there would destroy us. I told him I just needed to know, that I deserved to know, if there was any chance for us in his mind - and I said that I think he deserved to know where I stand and that I need to move on if there is not. That I WILL be moving on.
We talked of dating others. Neither of us really can imagine that. I told him the biggest obstacle I could foresee in a new relationship would be that I'm not willing to change one thing about my relationship with him. I won't stop coming over and hanging out and surely someone else would not like me being with him so much.
He told me he is going to think about it. That he will not string me along. He told me he appreciates all that I do. He said he appreciates the times I've taken care of him - after the surgeries - and called to check on him. So that told me he has noticed. He hasn't said anything. But now I know it matters. Even from this side of the fence, the little things matter.
When I left, I hugged him and he promised me that he was going to think about it and he would talk with me soon. I know he will.
The biggest practical problem is living space and zero money to build an addition on the house. That's why I made it a point to tell him that us moving back in there is not something I see as an option either. The kids were younger when they shared a room. They have each had their own rooms for the first time in their lives and as a result of the separation their relationship has begun to flourish. They were never close before. That has changed and cramming them back in one room would result in resentment. The stress that would add to us trying to piece would be too much, I believe. Also, I have 6 more months on my lease.
So I did it. And I only choked up once, in the beginning.
It's all out there now.
If he doesn't want me to "go", all he has to do is say so.
I'm sure I will remember more details but that's the gist of it.
OH! I did tell him that my biggest fear is that I will move on and THEN he will realize he wants me. His reaction to that was as if to say "Yeah. THAT would suck".
It has been 10 days. We have had interaction regarding D12 going to summer school and the way transportation could be worked out - and when he has picked up the phone when I've called her - and when I picked her up to go to the beach Saturday. Nothing else. Whatever he knows, he knows it after 10 days. So what? Is he just afraid to tell me we're not going to move forward together or is he just blowing me off? And more importantly, what the hell do I do if he never brings it up - which I actually think he would let be the case.
I'm getting antsy and crabby - not a good combination.
I plan to tap out at the 2-week mark and there will not be another talk since he can't afford me the decency of letting me know what the hell is going on.
This isn't the same as the standard DB stuff that you don't put a time limit on, so that argument isn't going to work.
The only thing I'd say is that in his mind, I bet he has NO idea that it has been ten days! Maybe half that. So, when you get to the point where you have to have an answer, why not just try something like, "It's been a while since we had the talk about ... what are you thinking?"
