A Very Rough Year - Breast Cancer & MLC

[mishka422]

1hope - Good for you! You are doing this like a DB pro! I'm impressed. Keep up the good work and best wishes for many more years of survival!

[TwinDad]

Keep Strong Hope1....you are doing it well....he made another baby step. He may just surprise you this evening. Have hope but expect nothing. In either case have fun.

Thanks for including me in your prayers.

[1hope]

I was right. I'm home from work and he is not here. It was all I could do to keep from bawling when I pulled into the drive. I did sit in the car for a moment, breathing deep and resolving not to ruin my makeup. (I made sure I looked good before I left the office, hoping he would be home) What is wrong with this man? Why wouldn't he tell me when we were on the phone just a less than an hour ago that he was going out? I swear that I don't get how you can treat someone with such cold disregard just moments after you have gone out of your way to reach out and share??? He knew that I was headed right home, he even told me that the road repair guys would probably still be here when I came home. This is just nuts.

Thank goodness I have found you all and the DB book...otherwise I would think I was cracking up for sure.

[TwinDad]

1hope,

I am glad I don't have to worry about make-up because I would look like a disaster a lot of the times. You are doing very good. Just keep in mind, this process is slow, it defies all logic, and your H gets to set the pace. All you can do is work on you which you are doing a great job on (wish I was that good).

I truly hope you had a great time tonight with or without H

[1hope]

Thanks Twin,
Your support is just what I need.

It wasn't a great night, but I got thru it. My girlfirend came over and we were drinking the champagne when my H called. He was bringing dinner home from the bar. I told him that J was there, and asked if he could bring 3 dinners. He did, and we had a nice evening, almost like old times.

The next day it was back on the mechanical bull. H took off right after breakfast to do some "running." I left a bit later to do mine, shopping & groceries etc. When I returned later that afternoon he was just out of the shower and getting dressed. I asked him why he was showering this time of day? He said that he was getting ready to go to an openhouse. (We were both invited) He didn't want me to go with him. Said he was tired of me controlling him, said that I was an embarassment to him and that he didn't want to be with me. I felt like he had stuck a knife into my heart. The funny thing is, the openhouse was for a family friend, and all of our family would be there at some point too. I got my purse and keys, got in my car and left the house for about an hour. When I came back H was sitting on the couch watching tv, so I took my own shower and started to get dressed. He asked me where did I think I was going, and I told him I had made my own plans. He asked what they were, because he didn't want to cross paths with me. I told him that would not likely happen. When I came downstairs he was gone.

I tried to call J to see if she wanted to get a drink and dinner, but she already had plans. I drove out to the mall and walked around, did a bit of shopping. H's truck was at the bar when I went through town. I shopped for a couple of hours, bought some new lingerie (not like he will notice)and about 8:30 drove home. H's truck was still at the bar. I came into the house, poured a glass of wine and got into the hot tub. I sat until dark, then went to bed. I did not leave any lights on for him, and I locked the door. (We live out in the country, and usually leave the doors unlocked.) We are having road reconstruction done though, and I have been feeling uneasy with all of the construction contractors about. Lately I have been thinking about how awful it would be to wake up and have someone strange standing at the foot of my bed. I'm sure that these thoughts are connected to my fears that my H will leave me and I will again be alone, but what ever. I believe it's good to listen that that little voice in your head. He probably thinks that I was trying to make a statement by locking him out so he would have to fumble for his key. So what.

This am he is hung over and grouchy. He keeps trying to push buttons and I am ashamed to admit that I have resonded a couple of times. He told me that I ruined his evening for him last night, and then in almost the next breath he asked if we were going to work together on the lawn today. I told him no, that he didn't want to be with me, remember? A few minutes later he asked me if I was going to be a bitch all day. I replied that I wasn't being a bitch, and he asked "what are you being?" I said "hurt and angry." I guess he thought that was funny. He told me that I was all done trying to control him and our marriage....he said this as he opened the fridge door, took out a gallon of milk and took a big swig right from the jug. I looked at him and he just said..."guess I'm back to my bachelor days." Good Lord!

[TwinDad]

Hope,

Sorry the weekend wasn't what you would have liked....at least FRiday night was decent and he did volunteer to bring food home.

Remember,believe nothing of what you hear and only 50% of what you see. This is going to be a rollercoaster. You are doing well though....just don't allow yourself to get drwn into his fights.

My W thinks I have controlled her all these years....the sad part s that I feel like I have been th eone controlled. Basically, I think when people are very unhappy and don't knwo why they figure someone else has to be the one to blame and thus push off the blame.

Just continue to be yourself. I wouldn't buy him wanting to know where you are going because "he didn't want to cross paths" .....he really wanted to know. The other thing to remember about MLC is that they are the ones in control of the R but they are not the ones in control of you and what you do with your life.

Actually getting a hungover person outside to do lawn work might be pretty interesting

[1hope]

Twin, you make me smile!

We did get outside and get the yard work done in the late afternoon, and then watched the baseball game together. We had a nice dinner together, and he even gave me a hug and told me I was a good wife, and he was sorry that "he was screwed up."

He waited til bed time to hit me with the fact that there was a good chance that he was going north this next weekend golfing (with the non marriage supportive friend) and would not be attending the graduation openhouse as previously planned for our niece. I did not handle it well. We were still fighting about it when he left for work this morning.

I don't know why I can't do better with letting go of my feelings. I really feel like he reels me in close, then slamms the door in my face. When I react, he is then justified in saying "see? you're a psycho bitch."

I know that it's better to let him go than push him away. Sometimes my emotions just don't go along with that.

Did you get to see your children this weekend?

[TwinDad]

Hey Hope, we can all use some smiles from time to time. It is hard being in this position. They are in complete control of the R and unfortunately they don't have their heads screwed on straight at the time. The hard part is that we typically hang on their every word looking for some hope. It is hard not to. I must say I have only been able to detach a little since separating, it is almost like it gives you some breathing room where you don't feel like you are on guard. In the month we have been "apart" (though spending most of the time together) I find I have been able to relax a lot more and not worry about the R, figuring I have very little to lose at this point.

It is important to not get drawn into a fight, no matter how right you feel you might be.....you will lose no matter what (it isn't going to make him feel better about you). I try to tell myself would I rather be right or would I rather be happy (i..e married). If you find yourself getting into a fight then step back and change the subject, even if you have to validate him a little bit. Also keep in mind that although we might hang on their every word, they are watching very carefully what we are doing, they will push buttons to see our reaction, etc. This isn't out of meaness, but is likely just trying to figure themselves out and using you like a mirror.

I think it is great that your H could give you a hug and tell you that he was screwed up. The hard part is coming up with the right thing to say that time or better yet not saying the wrong thing (i.e. needy, clingy etc). I think I would probably say something like "Everyone is a little messed up, I noticed you haven;t been yourself lately, I am here for you if you would like to talk or if there is something we could do to help"

If he wants to go golfing then let him go, trying to get him to stay is only going to make him mad, he will go anyways and will likely act out more than if you just let him go. I have a lot of experience with this. Everytime I would try to get my W to come home early when she was out with her friends, she would ignore my calls and them come in at 2AM feeling very "good". When I didn't say anything at all or just said, have a good time, she was in by 9:30.

I would consider giving him a call or something at work and even saying something along the lines of "why don't you go on the trip, I bet you could use the break, I would like to have you around here, but I know you have a lot going on right now and this might be a nice escape" The make sure you have fun at this open house and just have a great time

I had my kids all week. It was rougher than expected (emotionally) but the week ended very well. I plan to journal it on my thread in the separated forum.

[1hope]

Twin, you have validated my thoughts.

After careful thought this morning after my post, I had already made the call. I told him that I felt bad about the fight and that I thought he should go on the golf trip. I told him that the open house was Sunday afternoon, not Saturday like I had previously thought, and if he wanted to go on the trip and stop by the open house when he returned that would be fine. However, I said I knew that he would probably be tired (read hung over) and that if he didn't make the open house that would be ok too. He said, "thank you, that really means a lot to me." He said "I know the open house is important to you and I might not go on the trip." He was busy at work, but I could hear the sincerity in his voice. He said that we would talk more about it later.

I feel so much better. I would like him by my side at this family function, but only if he wants to be there. I think I reacted so strongly because this golf group and location is where our problems started to come to light last fall. (big drinking and party crowd)

I am trying to keep calm, rational reign of my thoughts and emotions, but sometimes he catches me blind side. It's that sudden, sharp left turn on the bull that always knocks me off.

I will remember your "would I rather be right or would I rather be married". That says it all in a nutshell.

[TwinDad]

I am trying to keep calm, rational reign of my thoughts and emotions, but sometimes he catches me blind side. It's that sudden, sharp left turn on the bull that always knocks me off.

For me...it is the forward lunge and I usually end up with the horn in my forehead

Glad it worked out for you!!! Sounds like you really got your game together. I wish mine was that together. That is the right idea....let them choose you....don't try to make them choose you. Either way have a good time. Recently, I missed out on a family party becuase we were separated (it was very sad) but we went to one this weekend and it was very nice