She's Gone - No Contact (Part 2)

[NikB]

(((K)))

I think Michelle's advice is right on. That's all you can do. Anything more will just make you look more "deranged" in her eyes at this point.

I'm glad you have an appt. with the shrink later.

I am devastated. I was doing so well.

I think you've done well at GAL, limiting contact, etc. all this time but one thing you never really did was detach. You (and all of us) need to get to a point of "I KNOW I will be OK and make a great life for myself, with our without [spouse/gf/whoever]." It is not easy, at all. I find this site really helpful: http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm. I may have posted it to you before, but it can be helpful to revisit.

Different parts of this have "spoken" to me in the past and at various times in my sitch. I started to quote a few things I thought were relevant to you and realized I was copying/pasting about half the page so I don't want to risk copyright issues - but hope the info there helps.

I know I'm looking for one ray of sunshine in this pile of shi#. But it is possible that she and the "friend" are "just friends" and "friend" co-signed the mortgage for her.

As much as you say you're not, I think you're still in denial that she's done with the R. Yes, it's possible - who knows. It doesn't much matter as it's not really relevant to YOU though.

And why didn't they just move into "friend's" old house? Why a "new" one? She had a nice house already I think.

Who knows. Maybe just convenience, maybe financial reasons, maybe wanting to erase the past and start a new life together... could be anything. Also not relevant to you, though.

I just can't believe this is happening. I only slept 5 hours last night. I kept waking up and asking myself if it was a dream or real.

We all go through this, I know.

I feel like if you were married it would still feel surreal but it would be harder to stay in denial about it. At this point I think you'd probably be D'd from her, based on her actions and reaction to your calls. But since you don't have it there on paper, it's harder to accept it.

I wonder if you'd benefit from posting in "Surviving the Big D"? You'd definitely be among people struggling with the same types of things right now.

This would all be so much easier to deal with if I knew the facts. I can't find anyone who knows the facts and will tell me. She frieked out yesterday when I called her "ex" so I don't think calling her mother will be appropriate. She'd probably have me arrested (if you can do that).

Uh no.. definitely do not call her mother! And I'd stop calling anyone about it, actually. It's making you look pretty needy and desparate.

I know it's hard to believe but I don't think knowing the facts would help you a whole lot. You can see how much pain people put themselves through by snooping and obsessing and having to "know" every little detail. The only fact that's relevant to you at this point is that she wants out of the R, and is not interested in working things out.

That said... who knows, you may meet again in the future and decide to build a new R together. But the old one is definitely over. I think the sooner you grieve that and let go, the sooner you'll get healthier and happier. If you run into her 2 or 3 or 10 years from now and decide to build a new R - then great! But don't hang on and keep your life on hold "just in case" that happens.

BUT if she is still "friends" and "friend" just co-signed to help her escape her life in this state and she is still confused about me, religion, what to do, etc.,

OK so I will quote a FEW things from the detachment page:

"Detachment is:

* The ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
* The ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be."

If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:

* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.

Detachment is a control issue because:

* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved. [I don't think you feel intimidated/coerced but I think the latter part applies]

* By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They have so many problems, they need you.
* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
* When you see people in trouble, confused, and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.

At the bottom there's a series of steps to help you with this. I think they're really useful. There's a little bit of a religious slant that I don't particularly care for, but it's easy to just ignore that part and get the value from the rest of it.

What would I do to keep the doors open for any possibility of reconciliation? Is there anything besides leave her alone?

I think Michelle answered this question very well. Anything more that you do is just not going to be well received, I don't think. It will probably stick in head as "geez my crazy ex STILL doesn't get it!" Don't keep reinforcing that belief with contact, calling friends/family, etc.