I'll go along with SirPrizeMe a bit on the issue of you still being so enmeshed with her life. My main issue is that it doesn't seem to be good FOR YOU. It keeps you hanging, it keeps you agitated, mostly it keeps you ATTACHED and subject to the swing of her emotions.
On the other hand, some time ago you had decided to approach things from the standpoint of being her best friend. Now let me say, for ME the idea of being best friends with an ex-spouse who has another man is NOT doable. But this WAS the way you were going, and I think you at least laid some groundwork in that direction by being there for her on a number of occasions.
More recently you have begun to rethink that decision and started to think that perhaps pulling back and less contact was the way to go. There are lots of positives in that FOR YOU, though your ex's past behavior would suggest that less contact would be a negative for things between the two of you. Of course, then I remind myself that you're already divorced.
To me the bottom line is that you have to choose an approach that allows you to be genuine.
If you're PRETENDING to be her best friend, she'll realize that you're pretending at some point.
If you're PRETENDING to what nothing to do with her, your actions will prove otherwise at some point.
I do believe that there is reason to believe that YOUR wife may choose to renew your relationship at some point. At least from what you share about the OM, it doesn't sound like it's a solid, great relationship. Certainly not a lifetime type relationship.
But you have to make a decision. And then you have to stop second guessing and waffling on your decision.
As for the financial deal, how is it that you come to know of a problem that SHE has?
I would be inclined to say that this is HER problem and SHE needs to both recognize the problem on her own and decide how to deal with it on her own.
You've been fairly obtuse about specifics, so it's hard to say. You suggest it could hurt your kids, but you don't tell us how. You know that most of us on here would advise you to do anything you can to keep your kids from being hurt. I feel like you're teasing us a bit here.
Let her deal with it.
And if she asks you for help, respond according to the way you are COMFORTABLE responding. Don't do it for show, to score points, or to appear to be her knight in shining armor.
Do it because that is what Sleeper would do, because that's the kind of man her is.
Time for the gameplaying to come to an end.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
