[quote=blackwell28It seems that just because he is the HD spouse, that I am the one that has to do all the changing which is frustrating. Feels like a catch 22, if we are not intimate he will cheat, if we are I feel like I am being used for his enjoyment only and that he probably still would prefer affair where there is no resentment or baggage. [/quote]
Blackwell...I know it may feel like you are the one who is supposed to do all the changing, but it definitely is a 2-way street. You DO have changes you need to make, and you are aware of that, but so does your H. I'm sorry if you've covered this already but...are you two in MC? If not, you both need it.
As for him probably preferring an affair where there is no resentment or baggage...that's a false statement. He let you know for a very long time that he PREFERRED YOU. He's still going to, but you both have issues to work out. And (I know you shouldn't start a sentence with and...but)...there would still be baggage and resentment, even if he chose that route again. He'd have the baggage of YOUR marriage, and YOUR resentment of what he's doing. Affairs are not free of baggage and resentment, not at all....they are a fantasy world.
Blackwell...right now your husband isn't likely to trust that you aren't going to put him right back in the position he was in before (with no sex), and it's going to take time to get him to really see and believe you are working on making changes within yourself. Just as you are hurt by what he did with the affair, and you don't necessarily trust he won't do that to you again...he also has trust issues with you and the changes you are working to make.
I really believe you guys need a good marriage counselor.
