A Very Rough Year - Breast Cancer & MLC

[TwinDad]

Hey Hope, we can all use some smiles from time to time. It is hard being in this position. They are in complete control of the R and unfortunately they don't have their heads screwed on straight at the time. The hard part is that we typically hang on their every word looking for some hope. It is hard not to. I must say I have only been able to detach a little since separating, it is almost like it gives you some breathing room where you don't feel like you are on guard. In the month we have been "apart" (though spending most of the time together) I find I have been able to relax a lot more and not worry about the R, figuring I have very little to lose at this point.

It is important to not get drawn into a fight, no matter how right you feel you might be.....you will lose no matter what (it isn't going to make him feel better about you). I try to tell myself would I rather be right or would I rather be happy (i..e married). If you find yourself getting into a fight then step back and change the subject, even if you have to validate him a little bit. Also keep in mind that although we might hang on their every word, they are watching very carefully what we are doing, they will push buttons to see our reaction, etc. This isn't out of meaness, but is likely just trying to figure themselves out and using you like a mirror.

I think it is great that your H could give you a hug and tell you that he was screwed up. The hard part is coming up with the right thing to say that time or better yet not saying the wrong thing (i.e. needy, clingy etc). I think I would probably say something like "Everyone is a little messed up, I noticed you haven;t been yourself lately, I am here for you if you would like to talk or if there is something we could do to help"

If he wants to go golfing then let him go, trying to get him to stay is only going to make him mad, he will go anyways and will likely act out more than if you just let him go. I have a lot of experience with this. Everytime I would try to get my W to come home early when she was out with her friends, she would ignore my calls and them come in at 2AM feeling very "good". When I didn't say anything at all or just said, have a good time, she was in by 9:30.

I would consider giving him a call or something at work and even saying something along the lines of "why don't you go on the trip, I bet you could use the break, I would like to have you around here, but I know you have a lot going on right now and this might be a nice escape" The make sure you have fun at this open house and just have a great time

I had my kids all week. It was rougher than expected (emotionally) but the week ended very well. I plan to journal it on my thread in the separated forum.