This is where you need to really detach. You made some mistakes, don't make anymore, back away.
Your H is going through the process, that is all. He is saying things that they all say. He is working on the relationship with OW, they all do.
He is putting her first, they all do.
Mine wanted to be friends at first, then he said he did'nt, now he does not know his nose from his ass.
You are taking all this way too personal. It is not about you, my dear, it is about him.
Decide to get off this rollercoaster. Only you can get off it, it is a choice. Ride the ride until you puke, or go on a different ride. By going to his home, uninvited, you went back on the rollercoaster.
His emotions are fleeting, he does not have a good handle on them. He is confused, disoriented, depressed.
You can still stand and be divorced, many many do. Some have to get divorced. It is o.k., it is just a stupid piece of paper. They find real quick that the divorce did not make them happy. In fact, it made things so much worse. You and only you are his covenent spouse. He will never be able to forget about you and your children. Don't forget that.
Now I look at your sitch quite positively. The OW is NOT SURE SHE LOVES HIM ANYMORE. OH MY GOD THAT IS HUGE. Let it play out, leave him alone. The more pressure he feels from you, the more he will want bimbo.
Don't let a set back in DBing get you discouraged. We all make mistakes. You are only human.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
This is where you need to really detach. You made some mistakes, don't make anymore, back away.
Your H is going through the process, that is all. He is saying things that they all say. He is working on the relationship with OW, they all do.
He is putting her first, they all do.
Mine wanted to be friends at first, then he said he did'nt, now he does not know his nose from his ass.
You are taking all this way too personal. It is not about you, my dear, it is about him.
Decide to get off this rollercoaster. Only you can get off it, it is a choice. Ride the ride until you puke, or go on a different ride. By going to his home, uninvited, you went back on the rollercoaster.
His emotions are fleeting, he does not have a good handle on them. He is confused, disoriented, depressed.
You can still stand and be divorced, many many do. Some have to get divorced. It is o.k., it is just a stupid piece of paper. They find real quick that the divorce did not make them happy. In fact, it made things so much worse. You and only you are his covenent spouse. He will never be able to forget about you and your children. Don't forget that.
Now I look at your sitch quite positively. The OW is NOT SURE SHE LOVES HIM ANYMORE. OH MY GOD THAT IS HUGE. Let it play out, leave him alone. The more pressure he feels from you, the more he will want bimbo.
Don't let a set back in DBing get you discouraged. We all make mistakes. You are only human.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting is right--detaching is really what you need to do here. In fact, I want you to pretend you're an outsider and go back and read your post. What would you advise ME if I were the author of that piece? My guess is that you're going to see some things here that are SO not about you.
That being said, I have a different thought on the trying with OW issue... just remember that "try" in his vocabulary means something totally different than "try" with you. "Try" with you means put forth an extreme effort to heal individual and marital hurts with the common goal of working on the R. "Try" with her means that he will try to minimize collateral damage as much as possible because he's pretty sure that his failures with you and her AND your kids are going to mean exposure to him. BTW, exposure is going to mean that everyone knows he's failing at everything he's doing.
Cagz, I know it's hard to attempt to find sympathy for him. But looking at him spiraling out of control as an outsider, I see him as someone desperate to grab a rope. He's not going to climb out of that hole on his own until the ropes stop being thrown to him. It's going to be very difficult for him to do this... and it's also going to be painful to watch him hit rock bottom.
You're not responsible for this mess or throwing him a life line. Saving himself is an inside job. You have a hard enough time taking care of yourself and your kids. So my free advice is to don a new set of glasses and take a look over at his train wreck. You weren't the cause of it, so you're not responsible for the solution. HE is.
One more thought. Your S19 is a man. Let him manage his own R with his dad. If he's going to choose to heal, it's going to be a factor in motivating him. While you don that new pair of glasses, maybe try and see S19's R with him from his eyes: he's screwed up royally, his son has expressed disapproval and boundaries that never existed before, and he can't seem to stop flunking out with everyone. Hell, he even lost his job as the icing on the cake. When one feels like a loser and is mentally ill (depression IS a form of mental illness), he's not going to be inclined to deal with S19 until he's figured out what the heck he's doing. Now take those glasses off and put ones on that permit you to see your own life clearly.
Leave him be, sweetie. I KNOW his actions have put you in a precarious spot. I'd be lying if I told you that it's not going to get harder with his job situation. I understand the fear on your part. But fear isn't going to solve the problem and neither is your STBXH. The only part of this equation you can control is how you deal with your own set of problems. Put on a pair of blinders and stop looking at his train wreck.
Detaching is the ONLY thing that will get you over the hurdle. After you can do this, you'll be in a better place to determine what kind of R you can have with him post-D. But you'll have to do more detaching first. Walk before you run...
You can't force friendship with someone who doesn't want it. So let sleeping dogs lie for now and just take care of yourself and your kids. That's all God asks of you. Let HIM worry about your H, okay? That job is bigger than you and it's not yours.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Most have chimed in here already... I'm sorry to be coming late to the party once again. (I brought drinks, does that help?)
You're lucky to be given such great advice, and most importantly, understanding. No where else but here do people understand these situations!
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How do you stand when you are divorced? I mean isn't this site called "divorce busting"? How do you build a friendship with someone who wants you out of their life? How do you reclaim your diginity when you been sushed away only to be replaced by a bimbo who has helped rob you of your family?
The first question--- well, since that's my sitch I will tackle it! I stand by not starting any new relationships, flirtations, etc. because I AM NOT DONE with this relationship yet...despite the papers. I stand by being a friend when my H needs one, and by not stressing when he doesn't. I stand by going on with my life and working to be a better me... if things do happen to work out with XH and I, well, we will have a better go of it, won't we?
Second- You build the friendship by being mindful of what he is ready for. This does not mean stopping your life for crumbs, or even being grateful for those! It does mean doing for him (listening, etc) BUT no more or no less than you would any other person. You don't go out of your way for him, yet you don't step over him while he is down.
Third- Why do YOU feel your dignity was stripped away? Who took it, Cagz? Really-- do you think people out there are thinking "Cagz must have really sucked as a wife for her H to have left....and now be with a younger girl...and have lost his job....and be suicidal...." Get what I am saying here? That's all on HIM, babe. Not you. This is NO REFLECTION on you. Yes, we all could have been better spouses. But, we all were willing to work on ourselves and the relationships rather than run away. If that is not dignity I don't know what is.
Just take a step back, Cagz. He needs to figure all of this out on his own.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
That being said, I have a different thought on the trying with OW issue... just remember that "try" in his vocabulary means something totally different than "try" with you. "Try" with you means put forth an extreme effort to heal individual and marital hurts with the common goal of working on the R. "Try" with her means that he will try to minimize collateral damage as much as possible because he's pretty sure that his failures with you and her AND your kids are going to mean exposure to him. BTW, exposure is going to mean that everyone knows he's failing at everything he's doing.
Wow - now that is some good insight. EXPOSURE is something that H has ALWAYS RUN from....ALWAYS. In his career he would quit before he "Failed".
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You're not responsible for this mess or throwing him a life line. Saving himself is an inside job. You have a hard enough time taking care of yourself and your kids. So my free advice is to don a new set of glasses and take a look over at his train wreck. You weren't the cause of it, so you're not responsible for the solution. HE is.
Ahhh and this is the spin cycle that I get into....the fixer-- the wonderful identity that i carried for 20 years. I lvoe what you said..."Saving himself is an INSIDE JOB..." oh how I hope he chooses to do that---for my children and yes for me (note I didn't say for R)
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But fear isn't going to solve the problem and neither is your STBXH. The only part of this equation you can control is how you deal with your own set of problems. Put on a pair of blinders and stop looking at his train wreck.
Ahh the NEW LIFE -- of taking care of me. That is so different and yes not what I wanted and bla bla bla... Blinders. This is so new to me - not helping/rescuing someone else. BUT I DO KNOW it is time.
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You can't force friendship with someone who doesn't want it. So let sleeping dogs lie for now and just take care of yourself and your kids. That's all God asks of you. Let HIM worry about your H, okay? That job is bigger than you and it's not yours.
Thank you again --
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
wierd day - nothing new - nothing old- just nothing...which i believe as you all have told me is GOOD because it means I am not "Seeking..." which may mean - at least for today - i am detached.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Betsey