yes they wrote a song about me... "She wore an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini.." oh wait mine is a bit more hmm well not teeny weeny! ha!!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
ok ok did a dumb thing for me but a great thing for the kids..
we were looking for a video tape for tomorrow nights performance. AND yes well you guessed it....family video night...oh my gosh --- yes there was lots to laugh at but me..i just kept thinkin' you left this.
He left family - all of it. sad tonight very very sad.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting you are doing good vent here. I just know that if I have negative thoughts of h they play out in my interactions with h. I don't want that.
It also keeps me from moving forward if I am stuck on what he did. I just need to focus on the positives regardless of what my h did or did not do. That is all.
Your h sounds depressed. Now is the time to be his friend. I am not sure what your interactions are like with your h, but I would be super friendly. Like hi h how are you today. Your new hair cut looks good on you. I was going to target, Khols, walmart etc this week do you need me to pick anything up for you.
I was shopping at Khols today and picked up this shirt for you. I thought you might like it.
I would change it up, if your h isn't spending time with ow that is an excellent sign. I would try new ways of interacting with h for at least 6-8 weeks and see what happens.
It's not what you don't do but what you do!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Hope everyone is doing well. Me. I went on vacation, came back to be out sick for a couple days, have done some reading, spent tons of time with my sons, and have been swamped at work (in a good way, new projects).
Anyway, just wanted to stop by and say hi to everyone.
IMP good to see you...time for me to share my lastest stupid move.
My son has been home from college for almost a month. His only boundary taht he set with his dad was no time with dad if bimbo was there. It was somthing he doesn't want. H has "respected taht" but in the meantime he has not at all attempted to spend any time with s19. Well this past weekend bimbo was gone and he did nothing to involve s19. (apparently she has been leaving on teh weekends and that is stupid #2) Anyway--- I did stupid #1 I called
Stupid #1- After H droppped off d11 I took the kids out ot eat. Financially a stupid move as H got fired (has a temp job) and I dont know if he is going to pay this month which will hurt me terribly financially. Kids drove seperate so after eating I thought...hmmm going to call h (or stbx) I did - he didn't answer so I decided to do stupid #2.
Stupid #2 - I went over there. I knew bimbo wasn't there (or thought so) because he said she was staying gone - so I didn't fret it..I thought we could have a peaceful "new" talk. No fighting just me expressing my concern about s19 and just finding the "new place" we are suppose to be at. NOPE didn't work that way...
Bimbo was apparently on her way "home." Just him using that word hurt. There wasn't yelling and screaming but there were words...angry mean words from him. Then he tells me that "she isn't sure she loved him anymore and he was trying to make this relationship work...." YES that hurt....the bimbo? She GETS HIM in a way where he is going to TRY??!!! WHAT THE F!!! I got one day of I dont love you -- I got the appts. with the counselor where he said he ddin't WANT TO WORK ON ANY relationship...after 20 years he did't want to..but she is worth it? He walked away from all 3 of us --- she is nobody yet she is "worth" working on????
I left before she got back "home" I drove a way so that she wouldn't see my car. Again i was dismissed because of her...and him I know that.
All he said over and over is that he is "f'd in the head." He said he wished last year he would have succeeded at the suicide attempt --- I told him he didn't really want to die--- if he did he wouldn't have called me. He KNEW I would show up and "rescue" him like always... I know he did and does want the inner turmoil to stop--- and right now the turmoil is high.. -job loss-- - no money - can't pretend to have money cause he has none - hes ruined his credit - if it is true bimbo may be done because the ride is no fun now (however he will hold on tight...i know this about him he won't be alone!!)
So today I mailed back in my signed copy of the summons. I dont know how long it takes for the official d to take place. I have NO place in his life anymore... I really don't. I have been kind- i have forgiven-- and yet I still want some "place" in his life....Even as a friend yet he tells me to get the F out of his life. So how do I do that?
How do you stand when you are divorced? I mean isn't this site called "divorce busting"? How do you build a friendship with someone who wants you out of their life? How do you reclaim your diginity when you been sushed away only to be replaced by a bimbo who has helped rob you of your family?
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Hi Cagzmom, I am so sorry for your pain, yes it's unfathomable that they will try to restore such a new rel. when they had no time for us. As far as the standing after D. that is purely a personal choice. Some people do it just by not dating. Some do it until they meet someone else. Others stand for religious reasons believing that only the death of the former spouse releases them from their vows. Divorce busting is also for you.It helps you heal, not to feel like a second class citizen. It helps you see that you did all you could to save your marriage but IF the other person in that marriage is finished then short of a miracle you cannot do all the work on your own. You have not lost your dignity, you are still you. You can and should hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. This doesn't happen over night, it al takes time to be healed. You where together a long time, lots of memories. Do what you have to do to protect yourself financially and then be kind to yourself. You cannot help your h. You can be the best mum for your children. If some day he feels he was wrong,has worked on his issues and comes to you then you have the deciding hand. Until that happens just work on you. I wish you well.
Cagz - I know I haven't posted to you in a while but I have been following your sitch. You have sounded so good for so long. Why is it that when they use the word "home" in connection to the "den of iniquity" they are living in that it twists the knife? I get the same thing from H and I understand the pain.
You are a new, better, stronger woman Cagz. Don't let your H bring you down. He is the one who has lost everything. What have you actually lost? He's not financially stable, he's not loving and kind, he has very little respect for anyone let alone you. What have you lost? Think about that.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
.after 20 years he did't want to..but she is worth it?
it's their twisted way of thinking caz, is not that you were not worth it, is that, as you said, the fun ride is over for her (he has no $) and he is desperate to loose miss dream boat, if she leaves it means he messed up, and he can't possible be wrong about her, what with leaving his family and all. It is not about her being worth more than you, it is his desperation at not being a failure yet again. As you pointed out, his life isn't going so well right now, and honestly, if a man regrets a suicide attempt that goes to show you he isn't right in the head. A real man all put together would've fought hard to retain his family, but he is barely half a man right now, he is lost to himself thus he is lost to all others around him.
A while ago we had a horrible exchange with stbx, mainly him telling me to rot in hell and F this and F that. I don't excuse this behavior at all, but it was a temper tantrum and in time he calmed down and gave a half apology. We are now in normal speaking terms. Mostly because I've stopped bringing up the past and ow. I gave up trying to "make him see" how terrible his choices have been and how wrong the ow is for him. As long as he's made his decision to live with her nobody is going to change his mind.
Don't go to his place anymore, dont' put yourself in that position. I know it hurts, for a while I felt like a punch in the stomach hit me whenever stbx would come to watch kids and I'd see her parking permit on his car. But since I've made peace for the most part, that that is the life he chose, he is with a low sick woman on his accord, then good riddance, I pity him. I still hurt now and then thinking about it but I've decided not to wallow in those negative thoughts.
Quote:
How do you reclaim your diginity when you been sushed away only to be replaced by a bimbo who has helped rob you of your family?
here are some answers "borrowed" from other posters
You drop all notions of how someone is supposed to act. You stop trying to control their actions through your own because you can't control them anyway and you just live your life and let them live theirs
OW is not a threat to me. She did not break up my marriage, home, and family. It was broken a long time before she came along.
...people tend to forget the bad and remember the good. Human nature is a bit like that. You go on holiday and have had a great time you tend to remember the two sunny days, forgetting the 5 rainy ones and the long queue at the airport … If you don’t already; try to journal what is going on, on a day to day basis. It is a great way to offload anxieties and worries and to see how your thoughts change over time. It is also good to look back on for patterns in your H behaviour and your own and see if you can see a cycle...
Give up ow. You have got to. She will eat you alive. Not physically, but your OBSESSION (yes, obsession) with her is going to destroy you. =================
As I was skimming over my old threads looking for a specific one (didnt' find it ) I realized how horrible the communication was between me and stbx, it was toxic! terrible, and I felt just you feel now. It doesn't have to be like that all the time and eventually it will get better as long as you dont' rehash the past with him or trying to make him see right. So, my advice to you is that for the time being, seeing that he is in such bad predicaments, to minimize contact with him, just talk about kids when you have to and that's all.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
) I realized how horrible the communication was between me and stbx, it was toxic! terrible, and I felt just you feel now. It doesn't have to be like that all the time and eventually it will get better as long as you dont' rehash the past with him or trying to make him see right. So, my advice to you is that for the time being, seeing that he is in such bad predicaments, to minimize contact with him, just talk about kids when you have to and that's all.