I found that book very helpful, na. I've been trying to heal the hurt I caused my H by rejecting him sexually for months, since the ILYBINILWY last fall. There was a period during which I knew he was considering leaving but he hadn't actually said that he was going to do it yet, and during that time we continued to have sex. I got the 'don't want to lead you on speech' to which I responded by saying that I felt very badly about the way I had been in the past and that I wanted to offer him 'free access' for myself, to help with the regret I was feeling.
We have continued to have sex even after he rented an apartment (to which he never did move) and reading books like the SSM and For Women Only (Shaunti Feldhahn) have helped me find other ways to shift my attitude and SHOW my H that this part of our M has changed and will not go back to the bad old days. He has often said that he will read a book, only to either not altogether or start it and never finish it - it's not really a way he gets information, although he reads tons of fiction - and so in my house, I do the reading and either discuss a very compact version of it with him. (I can occasionally slip in a small R talk if I disguise it as "here's another things I've realized/noticed". This often includes an apology, as I sincerely feel terrible and wish I had some 'do overs'.)
That's a lot of blathering to say that even if he doesn't read it, you can still find a way to use the information to make your R better.
I'll post again later though, have we talked about initiating ideas? or had you decided he wasn't ready for that.
I'm starting to post on too many peoples threads and forgetting who's story goes with whos!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I've been OK. H's father passed away last week- they hadn't spoken or seen each other in more than 20 years. I never met him. We went to the funeral. I'm glad it's over, but I know h has mega-issues to continue to work on, his r with his father being a major part of it.
I'm having difficulties trusting, I have my doubts about the gambling and he hasn't been very open with his money issues. I keep thinking about how he left me and the kids- how could he do that? Will he leave again? It still haunts me.
When I first started reading success stories on this site, I saw how alot of people who were piecing would post their "positives", so I'm going to try to do that.
Positives: (1) he is here; (2) we have been more affectionate with each other, including in bed; (3) he has been showing more patience with the kids; (4) he is willing to talk about his issues w/me and in MC; (5) we have plans for the future.
Hi na- I am sorry to hear about your H's dad. It is sad that he didn't have a good relationship with him...an obvious source for some of his pain.
This is the key...
Quote:
When I first started reading success stories on this site, I saw how alot of people who were piecing would post their "positives", so I'm going to try to do that.
Positives: (1) he is here; (2) we have been more affectionate with each other, including in bed; (3) he has been showing more patience with the kids; (4) he is willing to talk about his issues w/me and in MC; (5) we have plans for the future.
Focus on the positives and I am sure the list will continue to grow.
I like that you're posting the positives. It forces you to look at them and step our of the distrust.
It's too bad he couln't have had a heart to heart convo with his Dad before he passed. Might have helped with some of the issues, but then again might now. I'm sure he'll be able to work them out anyway.
