I'm sorry you are having a rough few days. It is perfectly normal given the anniversary. But these chasing-your-tail activities that are feeding your addiction aren't helping. You get a high asking for letters, writing them, scheming, etc.., and feel worse when you come back to reality. Continuing in this manner is flat-out self destructive. It will take you FURTHER AWAY FROM ANY OF THESE GOALS:
(1) being healthy (2) having a good coparent relationship (3) respecting stbx (4) having stbx question his actions (5) setting and enforcing more reasonable boundaries when it comes to Stbx's family (6) creating space for reconciliation in the VERY distant future (7) taking care of yourself, being strong and independent
If you are interested in these goals, quit trying to manipulate the situation. Manipulating has not worked the last 500 times. Additional tries will not be different. Leave stbx alone. There is no R there to repair. Quit messing with his friends and family. Use YOUR support system. Make it a bubble bath and go visit YOUR family and friends.
I don't know if I have ever posted to you before but I just wanted to say that I understand what you are going throughI was there years ago.
I can say that the first year is the hardest.But now things are much better.But they didn't get better til I stopped focusing on my ex.I stopped caring what he did.I started to focus on me.I made new friends,I got a job.I was a stay at home mom for 17 years.
I started to take time just for myself.As a mother I felt guilt for that.But I got over that when I saw that it made my children happy to see their mother happy.
Your focus needs to be on you and your children right now.And beating yourself up is not productive.
Spending a day in PJ doing nothing is doing something.It is restoring your body.Maybe next time you plan on laying around get some healthy food.Make that day really about restoring your wellbeing.Get a uplifting book.Or a trashy novel.Make a long hot bubble bath,Paint your nails.
Missing your phone call with your children is not a crime.In the long run they will not remember it.They will remember all the good things you did.Just let them know the truth.You were asleep and didn't know what time it was.They will understand.
Sometimes taking care of yourself is some of the best mothering you can do for your children.
Later Friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
I did a lot of self-care this weekend, and today was much better than yesterday. Much more matter-of-fact and clear. I need to remember these days....
I guess time is finally starting to work its magic, and the intensity seems to be fading.
Kids got home, tired and a bit out of sorts (the transition still sends them for a loop sometimes), but we settled and got back into our routine pretty quickly.
Caught up on some grad work, but still struggling to get it all done. I'm not obsessing over it, though. Looking forward to the freedom of summer, and getting projects done in the house and yard that I want.
Leaving all the other nonsense alone until I can talk to IC. Think that may all go by the wayside, as well. Too many other things, better things, to keep my focus on right now.
There are many good friends here--I appreciate you all.
Just got back from DBT (therapy). We were going over radical acceptence and willingfulness.
Another night of triggers.
All the same messages. All the same frustrations come up to the surface. All the sadness and grief.
I stayed after, and told her that I am just so tired of feeling this way. As I was trying to calm down, I thought and told her of the times over the last year when he said that my desperation was unattractive--why would he want to come home to this? If only I had been stronger... Now, I feel that my very devestation has doomed any chance for reconcilliation in the future. Again, all back to my fault. She made me come up with a distractor thought (funny scene from Sopranos).
ot, she asked me something that I remember you bringing up: do I really want him back? Or am I afraid of the freedom, holding onto the familiar? Wasn't I already dissatisfied in the marriage? I really don't think so. I was happy. There were concessions and compromises, but nothing that I didn't expect to make in a partnership. I loved him, and would have worked on it if I had been given the chance.
I drove away, thinking that there is just not anyone who can help me. Hoping on time...
Came home, sat down and had this very strong thought--it will never, never be the same between stbx and I, ever, ever again. He will never have that kind of love for me, that I remember from long ago. What I want back is an impossibility--I felt the grief of a death in that moment.
Another melodramatic thought flashed--the scene where Juliet begs the "dead" Romeo for the poison, so she can die, too. I wish there was something that stbx could give me that could wipe away the love I still have for him like that...
I am so tired of all of this....
I feel like I am at a crossroads....what do I do with stbx, now? And CW, who is always in my face on a daily basis? get bitter and angry? Hate them both? stay depressed? continue to be desperate and clingy? accept what is and pretend it doesn't bother me anymore? become friends? talk to one or both of them? Ignore? Avoid? How should I be?
Right now, I am going to bed. Another night with a face sore from crying. Thank God again for the children being in my life.
You do nothing with them other than is required for business purposes. Neither is a friend to you. You don't have to pretend about anything, just don't seek support or solutions from either of them.
Oh Donna, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You will get through all this. All I know is it is just going to take time for us to heal. I thought I would be over it but I am not. But at least I am doing better than I was this time last year. We just have to know that each day that goes by is another step to healing. (((Donna)))
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
Donna, I have read some of your posts. You are trying so hard with every method possible (therapy, etc...) to stop the pain. My H had an affair with my friend. One week after he left he was taking her everywhere (to my son's games, church, all over town) so she was always in my face. He then married her w/out telling me and my sons were in the ceremony. Then, they moved into the house I had just moved from. I am not saying this because I feel sorry for myself. I have always relied on my faith in God and that and time were all that worked to heal me. The one thing I did do was stop contacting him at all. We have 3 children so communication now is about them. It has been 5 years now. I thought of nothing else for close to three years so it takes time. I think you are trying too many things to help yourself. A verse I held onto and even carried in my pocket was "Be still and know that I am God" What my children have seen is a mother who relies on God and knows he alone knows my future.
