He left then Cheated ---Now What???

[Snow White]

I had lost some weight on the divorce diet, but now I am doing the opposite. The my husband is no longer here and I am going to eat junk...diet. Not recommended, but it is fun. Ordered a pizza tonight just for myself. Yum yum. And I didn't eat the whole thing! LOL

I have eaten nothing but junk too, 2 nights this week I had chips and dip for dinner! I'll ease up when people stop asking about my health due to the weight loss.

[No Longer BH]

Stars

Good for you for showing restraint by not eating the whole pizza. Back in my old days, I would have used food to fill in the emptiness, but now I know its better to face the pain instead of covering it up (especially with fat). How have you been doing lately?

[No Longer BH]

Ok, I'm feeling on edge at the moment. Sometimes I get caught up in my head and just dont know how to get out. I have been thinking about that d@mn email that I sent Friday during my lapse in judgement. The one where I begged for MC and committed all of the no-nos. He responded that he had had a hard day at work (yeah I bet with the demotion and all) and just was not emotional up to replying with an answer yet. For the last 6 months if I sent him an email that contained any emotions or hurt, this is the reply I got and then nothing else. He wants to avoid the hard stuff with me. Since Friday's relapse, I am determined to have NC (and I mean nothing). The problem is that I am terrified every time I open up my email that there is going to be a response that says "No, dont want to do it. Still want OW." The greater possibility is that he just will not address the matter at all. Do you think he is avoiding me because deep down he loves me but cant face the pain or is he just trying to avoid me because I have become a thorn in his side and he just doesnt care anymore. I just dont know what to think.

-Just a little insight. When he came back in Jan, he told me that even though he kept telling me that he did not love me, it was not true. He was trying to convience himself that he did not love me. I hoping that the same still is holding true.

I could use some encouragment or a 2x4, which ever is appropriate. Thanks.

[Sara]

I think he is avoiding you because avoidance is easier than dealing with anything. Have you ever made such a mess of your kitchen that you look at it and think, maybe I should just leave this all behind and move somewhere clean? I know I have. A few weeks ago I went out of town for 4 days. When I came back my son told me that when I left one of the dogs got sick and pooped all over the floor in one of the bedrooms. I said, "What did you do?" He said, "I closed the door." That's a good male way of dealing with a mess. Just close the door and walk away. With luck, he will never have to clean it up. Maybe the Mommy (maid) will come back and take care of it, like she takes care of everything else. I'm suggesting that your husband knows he has made a huge mess of your marriage, and he finds it easier to just close the door and walk away.

[No Longer BH]

The million dollar question is do they ever want to come back and help pick up the pieces? Not holding my breathe that he will, but still......well, you all know how it feels.

[No Longer BH]

Ok, help!!!! WHat should I do? I just got this email from my H:

BH,

I just wanted let you know I am not trying to keep you hanging, or avoid responding. After this week I needed step away from everything in order to avoid spiraling into bad behaviors so took the weekend to just focus on things at the house and in my own garden. So I have not come to a place that I can give you any specific answers yet. In truth, I am looking forward to talking with IC in the hopes to help me with greater insight.



I did want to say that I have noticed changes for you. I have seen how you are working on you. In all of this I don’t want you to think I haven’t seen that and what it has meant for you. It is profound and so very important. I am just not sure, yet, what I feel that means to/for me. This isn’t to undermine or diminish the work you have done for you, just to say that I haven’t decided what I feel it means to me.



Responding to your messages it going to take me a little more time. I hope that you can see this is better than simply replying in the heat of all the emotions. Were I to have replied this weekend, it would have been much more of how I was on the phone Friday, and that is not where I want to be rooted.

H


Pleases, any suggestions????

[No Longer BH]

I'm thinking about not replying because he has not indicated that he wants MC. Maybe staying dark will take the pressure off him to make a better decision. What you guys think?

[karen43]

I'm thinking about not replying because he has not indicated that he wants MC. Maybe staying dark will take the pressure off him to make a better decision. What you guys think?

I agree with that, too. Your H sounds like he is maybe confused and wanting some time/space? You know I guess the theory is if you don't pursue and stay dark, then it's like a seesaw or something, and your H will hopefully focus more on trying to make your R work. So I agree with not replying, plus what would your reply be to that anyway? He is basically asking for a little time to think which sounds good, plus the other positive stuff that he mentioned like he has noticed your changes and is considering how that will affect your R, etc. But anyway, it sounds like whatever you are doing is working positively so I would keep up all the good work too! Karen

[Sara]

Yes, stay dark. He sounds like he is at least being thoughtful about what he does. That is much better than reacting without thinking. Give him time and space. Take care of yourself. It is very good that he mentions that he notices.

[No Longer BH]

Thank you guys for your advice. I was feeling unsure if it would be cold not to even reply with a thank you. I will leave him be.