What are we doing, where am I, where are we at?

[stillfighting]

Hello,
I’m new here on this forum and not sure I should be here or stay on the Newcomers. I am unsure because I don’t know what I and the X are doing or what I should be doing. The people over at Newcomers are great and I know you are. What we’re doing and where we are at this point with the X, I don’t know. My thread in Newcomers is named Help - I need advice fast please
She’s back home but I just don’t know what to make of it, here’s why:
To make it short, after 17 years of marriage, wife drops the bomb. The classical unhappy, never loved you, can’t be around or stand you, what about me, it’s my life and so on… Then she moves out and we end up separated and arguing for 6 months. OM pops up right after she moved out and she makes it official and doesn’t hide him anymore in Nov. This ends (if I can trust her and promises all contact has stopped) and after R talks and agreeing on what needs to change in the R and what went wrong, she comes back home. The first day/night was great. She was hugging me, kissing, sex and everything. The next it all changed and she was beck to her old behavior, this is a mistake, I regret coming back, I feel trapped, this is not what I want but still agrees to live with me and the kids as a family and she would give it a period of 6 months to try (this after talking to another expert before I discovered DB a month ago). She did have her episodes and was ready to walk again but after talking, she stays. She is not shy to remind me every now and then that she feels that this is not what she wants, it feels forced on her, she doesn’t feel good, and she’s unhappy with me and can’t imagine a future with me. Now what I wonder is what to do during this time? Her latest reminder was about 1 month ago. She is cold and resistant and I can’t even hold her hand. All I get is a hug and if I initiate it. I avoid any R talk or future plans talk so that I don’t offer her an opportunity to remind me again of her unhappiness. She doesn’t initiate any R talk neither, we just chit chat lightly and general talk. Everything else is going smoothly at home, chores, kids, she is very nice to me and so on. The last thing missing is the romance and intimacy. She is holding on to that part. She agreed to listening to this experts CD’s but hasn’t done that yet. I afraid to suggest anymore stuff to do to fix the R /M. I’m afraid it would look like I’m pursuing her and pushing her. I was told by a member over on Newcomers not to try to get her to fix the R because she is not there yet and doesn’t want to. IF I suggested to her to read this or watch that and so on, I afraid it would push her even further and makes a bigger gap but on the other hand I don’t want to blow this chance and I feel panic, and fear and feel that I need to do something to get her to understand and change her thoughts as soon as possible before this 6 month period expires and walks again, if she chooses that. Maybe she just want's to get me, family and relatives off her back and walk again. I’m so confused that I have no clue as to what to do or where I’m at or what the heck we’re doing with the R. Should I be here or over at newcomers? I was told on Newcomers to GAL and LRT. Any suggestions or feedback for me?

[Flipper]

Hey Stillfighting-

If your W has returned, maybe you're on the right thread. I'm not sure either. I was wondering what you have been doing for yourself...GAL, making some positive changes, etc.?

"She’s back home but I just don’t know what to make of it..."

She's back because she wanted to come back. It's good that she is there. Look, if she did not want to be there, she wouldn't be there. Could it be that she DOES want to try but is saving face? Kinda looks that way to me. Actions often speak louder than words.

The important thing is that you take a hard look at yourself and make the necessary changes...maybe do some 180's, etc. Maybe re-read DR. Otherwise, it will be the same ol' same 'ol.

I don't know what your budget is, but you might call Virginia and at least explore a one or two-day intensive with Michele. I've been reading and hearing great things about it. Just a suggestion. I have been using the phone coaching, which is very helpful if you can afford it.

But, for now, go easy and give her lots of space and understanding. It's important not to crowd her, which it sounds like you're doing a good job not to. Don't let that 6 month thing make you crazy. If she really wanted to go, she would have gone. I remember what a wise man (you) told me: Patience, patience, patience.

[stillfighting]

Well... She just walked again on Saturday, so I'm probably in the wrong forum. She left to stay at her moms place since it's available now, her mom is overseas on vacation and will be staying there 3 months. She said she doesn't plan on coming back and she gave me all that neg, R talk again, no feelings, can't imagine a future together ever, she doesn't feel good, not comfortable living in my appt. doesn't feel like home for her, and so on. She did say that it's very nice to see that I have changed and that she thinks it's very good but it doesn't do anything for her. She is listening to another experts CD's (whitch I discovered prior to finding DB) and agreed to watch the Michele's DVD Marriage Breakthrough DVD. I don't know what if it will help because she has no motivation in her mind or willpower to save this R and make the changes. She is totally detached and it's over in her head. So what now? DB, it's not over yet? Should I continue this painfull journey that sucked all my energy? I'm so tired...

/OP

[john210]

Stillfighting,
Very sorry to hear about your W moving out again.
What immediately comes to mind is OM...did he crawl back into the picture? Very difficult to work on your M if that is the case.
Do you know what it was that made your W come back the first time? If so, I would go back to more of that. If it worked once, it may work again. Concentrate you efforts on your W's LL if at all possible.
Do not want to concentrate on the negative but do you feel that you slowly reverted back to your old ways when your W came back?

[stillfighting]

Thanks Johan,
I do suspect and think it may be OM crawling back or her crawling back to him. No proof though. At thi spoint the chances for that would be on a scale of 1-10, somehere between 5,6,7. She knows it would be very unwise to do so. I didn't go back to my old ways, what does LL mean?
What worked the last time she came back was me letting go and people talking to her, relatives and parents to come back. He heart wasn't back.

[john210]

Stillfighting,

Take a look at the website below, it explains LL (love languages)

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

Sounds like you need to let go again and maybe concentrate on her LL once you figure out what it is.

[stillfighting]

OK, thanks. I did read that book and I think I figured out her LL but no change in that department. Very thick and high walls around her. Totaly detached and not thinking about consequences at all (kids, living sitch, finance and more).

[Flipper]

Stillfighting,

Sorry to hear she moved out again. Sounds like you need to take care of yourself and regroup. It aint over til the fat lady sings. She sounds very confused. Your feeling of discouragement are expected under the circumstances. Sounds like she needs time and space. Keep DBing!

You said something about the relatives getting her to come back, etc. Although it's great that they are pro-marriage, but that might mean pressure for her. I remember certain people from our church, W's cousins, trying to get her to reconsider, but all they did was make her dig her heels in. Although I did NOT put them up to it, their involvement somehow seemed to backfire on ME. But the WAW then starts to think everyone is against her. Just my theory.

I finally asked our friends, priest, family, to back off, to be available to her and be good sounding boards to her. At least that way, the W would not totally slam the door on our (marriage) advocates. As a result, my W has re-connected with her cousins (out allies), and that can't be bad. Can't blame our loved ones though. They mean well. I wish my in-laws were as supportive as yours. Don't give up.

Get some rest and regroup, my friend. She needs to figure things out and it's up to you to get healthy, attractive and take care of yourself.

[jean-paul]

Stillfighting,

How are you? I am sorry you are still on this roller-coaster and I understand your pain, especially after your W probably gave you some hopes when she moved back. I am on an emotional roller-coaster myself and I am going to consult a therapist to help me detach. Just an idea for you too. Definitely the support messages from this forum help; there are fantastic guys here. I know it is easier to say than do it, but we need to DETACH.

I totally agree with Flipper, any person who does not validate our W’s actions is against them. Having people explaining them what they do is wrong will only worsen the situation. Same with suggesting MC and/or books about R/M.

We thought we could be by our W’s side and try to repair the marriage and in fact they were gone for long time. By acting this way, I was accused of being needy. And this is not what my W wants.

[stillfighting]

Yepp, it's a ride and I'm on it. I do plan on getting off. I have been reading a lot on MLC on this board and there a a lot of info. I do think she is in MLC and that would explain her irrational, egoistic, selfish thinking. She did agree to watch the Mariage Breakthrough DVD that is available to purchase from this site. I don't know if that will give a wake up call or not. But if it is MLC and it does smell like it, then she need to ride this coaster by herself. There's nothing I can say or do to make her changer her thaughts right now. I would like to read some info on WAW's in MLC, anybody who can point me in the right direction? I have prepared me menatly to DETACH slowly but leaving the door open just a bit. I try to not get scared about her actions and words, the pain is there, dissapointment, my self-esteem is shot, I think a lot about the kids reactions and so on. One day at a time, back to square one only more educated this time.

/OP