Real life...part 3

[lodo]

Hey Sara,

Well, it isn't DB, but you have to preserve your own self respect and it sounds like H has finally pushed past that boundary.

So what are you REALLY willing to do about it? This is where it gets extremely hard. It's easier for me to be firm because I have a 6 month waiting period in which to see what's going on, but it doesn't sound like you have that luxury.

I think you've been treated horribly for a long time now. I'm not saying you should shut the door on him making a tremendous turn-around, but when are you going to start taking care of YOU? When are you going to make sure that YOUR life is in order?

We all care about you and want to see things work out in your best interests, but that means H has to take care of you. Otherwise, stick to your boundaries. My $.02.

lodo

[lodo]

Oh yea (thank God I can't edit my own post!), listen to karen and don't forget the 48 hour rule! I've learned that one the hard way 1 too many times.

[Starshyne]

I don't understand why I need the 48 hour rule. This has been my plan for awhile (see previous posts). I was going to 1. Wait for school to end (check) 2. Inform H of what is going on (check) 3. Talk to pastor (have appointment for that this week) 4. Have lawyer write up settlement 5. Look over settlement 6. H comes in an read settlement and hopefully sign 7. Be divorced by the end of the summer


I have been thinking and praying about this for 12 days now. I am sick of having to leave my house each night to sleep. I am sick of being treated like scum. I have had it. There is nothing left for me to think about. If between now and whenever I can get into see the lawyer my H snap out of his dream world and is willing to listen and act on the things I have layed out, then I will be happy to reconcile and work on things. But I am not waiting around for years. If my H was willing to get his own place and we could be seperated for awhile, I would be willing to wait. He does not want that at all. Divorce is my only real choice right now that will give me any peace.

[lodo]

You need the 48 hour rule because anytime something upsetting happens it throws you into an emotional space in which you have no perspective. Give it 24-48 hours and you're in better control of what you say and do.

You should still stick to your plan - but don't let seeing OW driving your car (which is a pretty crappy thing to see) make you blind to taking care of your best interests in favor of getting out of M as fast as possible. This may or may not apply - I'm just saying that you should let yourself settle down.

You SHOULD be able to sleep in our own home. You SHOULD have a loving and caring companion. You SHOULD get back what you are giving.

Sorry, have you already filed? You don't need to have the settlement to file - I'm working on rewriting mine now but W filed last month.

lodo

[Starshyne]

I don't have to "file" at all. The L is going to write up this settlement, giving H his half of the house. If he agrees then he has so many days to get out of the house and we are divorced. If he does not agree, then I will have to file, have him served and all of the traditional ways of handing it.

Seeing her drive the car am paying for just made me mad for awhile. It hasn't changed anything that I had planned. I told H on Saturday that I was going to get things started with the lawyer on Monday. Well...I really want to talk to the pastor first, so whenever I get that done then I will get to the lawyer.

Sara

[No Longer BH]

Sara,

I once read a post where someone asked, "If you coud snap your fingers and be divorced right now, would you do it? No going back, its just done. And if you did, what would it change?" It sounds to me like your answer is yes and that it would make your H leave your home. Are you truly done with this relationship or are you reacting to the emotions you are feeling, hoping the D will make the hurt go away, becasue the hurt will still be there even after the ink is dry. Maybe there is another way to go about getting him to leave that would let you get a breather and allow for your heart to heal. After you have had some time, then you can see if you are ready to move on or if you are just reacting to the situation.

No matter what you do, you know we will all support you. It has been a very difficult journey for you and no one blames you if you are done. You wanted to give you my opinion.

[karen43]

I don't understand why I need the 48 hour rule. This has been my plan for awhile (see previous posts). I was going to 1. Wait for school to end (check) 2. Inform H of what is going on (check) 3. Talk to pastor (have appointment for that this week) 4. Have lawyer write up settlement 5. Look over settlement 6. H comes in an read settlement and hopefully sign 7. Be divorced by the end of the summer

All this sounds good, but the reason I suggested the 48 hour rule is b/c (and I could be wrong) but your recent posts sound like you are in an upset, emotional state rather than a cool, logical positive emotional state (well as positive as one can be in these circumstances.) If you wait 48 hours and still feel the same, then you know your decision is most likely the right one.

Divorce is my only real choice right now that will give me any peace.

This is one of your comments that makes me think you might want to wait the 48 hours. That sounds like stuff my H says (and my big brother was recommending I do everything the opposite of what my H suggests)!!! I don't believe divorce is something that will give you peace; I think that has to come from within you and no external things or process (like divorce) will itself give you peace. Karen

[Sugar and Spice]

((((Sara)))) stick to your plan, talk to the pastor, talk to the L and then see what happens.

I'm sorry you had to see OW driving your car, I know the Troll has driven my H's car too and it drives me over the edge to know that...I'm not sure why, just does.

[Starshyne]

Well I mean that I think I will get some peace when I do not feel like I am being uprooted and living out of overnight bags. This whole moving between my house and my parents house leaves me very uneasy. I believe that once I can get him out of the house for good (and I have tried everything but divorce), I will finally have the beginnings of finding peace because I will be settled in one place. If that makes sense.

[No Longer BH]

Can I ask a question? Why are you shuttling back and forth? If H is refusing to leave right now, why not just go and stay with your parents for awhile? Maybe, just maybe it will give you some peace and make him miss you. Even if he does not miss you, clearing you head would be worth it. Again, I dont know your entire sitch when it comes to your family, but if they are willing to help you out, it might be an option.