You and I must have been born twins and then separated. As you described your interrogation methods, I was sitting here laughing to myself...you were describing my exact reactions as to how I dealt with my H...the poor guy. Looking back now, I can honestly say that I feel remorseful for the way I interacted with him. What chance did he have with me coming at him that way?? You're way ahead of me Sophie...you're already recognizing the right/wrong way to try to communicate, or not communicate as the case may be. I also hung on to the answers, and figured they were etched in stone, and if I didn't like the answers I got, I immediately began trying to figure out how to change his answers, or how to approach the question differently so his answers were something I could live with. I also would have new questions ready before he ever answered the first one!! LOL I remember watching this little vein on his forehead pulse as he did his 'thinking', and almost always, he'd get a headache. I never truly realized how hard he must have been thinking. Oye..I behaved like a prison warden!! God forgive me!
And who says MLC doesn't drive the LBS just as crazy!!
Oh...and believe me...their memories are like a sieve. Although my H could dredge up negative times from 30 years past, he couldn't/wouldn't remember what he/I had said just the day before, let alone a couple of weeks. I dont know if it was selective memory or not. I have a feeling it was just something else he was incapable of. It's also one of the signs of MLC, along withe depression. It takes all of their resources to handle their careers correctly. I don't think they have too much left over for anything that deals seriously with their family, bill paying etc. I saw my H pour all of himself into his job..which he exceeded at, and put nothing into the family/marriage/home...and , of course, it began to fail miserably.
Many MLCers 'define' themselves by their job/income/materialism/youth. Family, marriage and home is how most women define themselves. Most men will be the first example. That's just a general statement..not all cases are the same. But I think its safe to say that many, if not most, MLC men will put much more into their lives outside the home/family..and soon their co-workers, friends and work begin to monopolize their time and energy.
I couldn't get my H to do anything around our home. But if work called, or a friend/relative called, he was Johnny on The Spot, and worked tirelessly for them. It hurt...it really hurt, because I was basing my own 'self' on how my family/home/marriage was existing. H was never like that before. He took pride in his family/home. And he never put work first. Then he did a 180 turn with MLC.
I can't explain why, I just know it happens. And I just know that I'm glad that I choose those things that I did to define myself. I'll never regret the time/effort I put into my family/home and marriage. I made plenty of mistakes, and took alot of things, including H, granted at times. But I believe my heart was in the right place, and I believe yours is too.
If you take the route of less questions, less intense scrutiny of his every word/action, you'll start to feel yourself relaxing. You'll start to feel yourself getting new perspective on things...about him, but even more important, about yourself and your family. Remember, those two things are extremely important right now. As others have said, you have to pretty much just let him 'flap in the wind' while you go on with your life, building up yourself and exercising whatever actions you may have to to provide your children and yourself a safe and secure future. Someday, he might want to pound your door in and become an active part of your lives again. But until/unless that happens, this is what your life is right now.
I truly feel that at some time in the future, my xh will try to contact me. If /when he does, I will accept the invitation. And I have every intention of not doing much more than listening. I think it would be very interesting and I'd probably get more answers from just listening, than I ever would from asking my own questions. Food for thought.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
