I am SO happy to wake up and see what you guys wrote!!! It is magical, amazing, to have your support from the other corners of the globe!
Thank you so much for the reassurances. Some of the outer 180s I am pretty sure make me still feel a lil uncomfortable so I am going to go for the options of the ones that are sexy AND comfortable, not just one or the other!
Ay yi yiii!! OK I will send him a short lil email.
I am SO tired... last night I was up until 4.30 and then woke up until 8.30. I always leave packing until the last minute and then it takes 12 times longer than I think it will. I feel like a ZOMBIE. I was hoping to spend time this morning practicing/preparing my part for the festival before I leave at 11 am. My Dad offered to drive me up there which is awesome b/c we can spend time together and I don't have to take the bus!!
Two questions: (other than, do you have a magic wand that will help me feel like I slept three times longer than I just did)
-Last year around this time was when things started to get REALLY BAD. Does that affect my DB'ing at all? Is it just a coincidence that it is almost exactly a year later, he and I are doing the exact same festivals (I think) that we did last year, and we might be seeing each other??
-I feel like i need to start mentally preparing for different things that could happen at this potential meeting. IE, he tells me he's with someone else, he tells me he wants to get back together, he is happy, he is depressed, it's bad, it's good, he asks me to make out, or we don't touch at all, etc, etc etc etc. (not that I am *expecting* anything, just that I want to be ready to be cool as a cucumber...) I feel like I need pre-prepared responses. Normally I would be able to spend tons of time working these out and rehearsing them but this festival is going to be SO crazy....
I feel really silly b/c these next 2 weeks when I'm at the festival I am not sure how much time I will have to be on the BB to help others but I am probably going to need more help & guidance than ever before as we get closer to the actual possible meeting. I am sorry in advance!!!!!!! When the festival is over I will return to my normally scheduled posting frequency!!! I am just going to be in rehearsal for 5-6 hours a day and then practicing and everything is really busy and intense...!!
K I am so happy to see you, I was eager to hear your thoughts on my situation!! Wait, you don't think I should prepare scripted responses to every possible B scenario??? ;-)
Forget anything else, think of it as a dinner date where you wouldn't expect much, just a spark in his eyes, a connection, preferably sexual & erotic but all kinds are welcome...
Stupid DAMs never follow scripts... You can try my beatiful Rebecca (I LOVE YOUR NAME), but I bet you he will surprise you anyway...
Think of this as an opportunity to do another 180. You get the chance not to be in control, you get the chance just to trust your own instincts as the situation unfolds. You don't have to have everything planned out - feel the fear and do it anyway!
He is the one that is missing out on fabulous T. Just know that you are hot and attractive and then wait to see what happens. It might be helpful for you to look at your worst case scenario - look and see that even if that happens you will be OK. And if you feel yourself getting upset just accept the situation as it is "e.g. I accept that BF is seeing someone else, I dont like it but I accept it.... or I accept that BF wants to kiss me, I'm scared but I'm going to accept it".
I dont know why I'm giving advice - you know what to do - you are going to rock his world!!
Hey T! You dont have to apologise for not being here for us... I hope you have a brilliant festival and I am SOOOOOOOOOO pleased for you that he wants to meet and I am not a bit surprised. Everything about his communication with you since the key he sent has been open and warm, ok, not lengthy yet, but little steps ALL going in the right direction. You will be nervous as hell before you see him, but once you sit down and order and talk, I am sure it will seem like only yesterday you were doing that and it will all feel natural.
I know you are thinking so much about your changes and will be notice? I wonder if HE will look any differetn? I am wondering also, how you will FEEL when you see himn again for the first time in 6 (?) months? I cant wait to hear and I am again, SO SO happy for you, this is brilliant news and very exciting!
ALi xxxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Oh my God ladies I am so lucky, all of you are so amazing!!
I am at the festival now, my Dad drove me up and we had a really nice drive together. I just had dinner and ran into a colleague who I met at the festival last year who said, "so I hear you are single now...?"
How do I work this? What I say here could totally get back to B. Should I play it cool and vague? ("Oh yeah, this year was crazy..." [look off into distance and change subject]?
One more question... I am wondering if I am being WARM enough, ENCOURAGING enough. Right now I am being kind of cool and vague in the emails ("lunch or something sounds great"), do I need to be more enthusiastic???
You know i am going to reread every word you guys just wrote to me and engrave it in my mind!!!
Until you see him, I think you have to do about what you are doing. Think about it, you don't know what YOU are going to think, in real life, let alone him!
As far as the single question, vague sounds good. You don't want to say you are not, and have it get back to BF, you don't want him to think you've been pining for a year. And you don't want him to think you are unavailable. Yeah, I think vague is good!
OK!! Vague = good!!! Maybe vague is easier for me to understand than mysterious, and mysterious is good, right???
OK, I'm trying to figure out the best time to meet him, considering the festival schedule.
I have a day off on Saturday (the 7th). That would be the easiest day to see him, but he identified his free time days as starting on the 8th.
On the other days I am "free" from 12.30-4 pm (not really enough time to get myself looking hot and then into NYC) and after 6. So maybe I could suggest we meet for dinner? Though dinner is maybe more date-y than lunch?
Other possibilies: -I ask him if he is available on the 7th -I ask my group to switch our free day from the 7th to the 8th (possible) -I talk to the festival organizers and ask them what they would suggest (they are sympathetic to my situation I think and could keep a secret) -?????
I want to try to suggest meeting with him early in the time frame he suggested so on the OFF CHANCE he wants to meet again I can do that while I'm still here....
Other than that, I had a good lesson this morning with the awsome cello teacher here. I think I am doing a good job being myself, being happy, relaxed, and looking hot. Yesterday I met a friend's boyfriend (they are a gay couple) and the boyfriend was like, "I LOVE YOUR ENERGY, YOU HAVE NO 'WALLS,' YOU ARE AMAZING" ??? And then today at the grocery store, the grocery store man asked me if I was married, and if I wanted to get married [to him], and told me he helps beautiful women every day.
Apparently my mojo is WORKING!!
Also, my friend from ATL who is also here at the festival asked me if I lost weight? So did the cello teacher here who hasn't seen me since December. I think the facercise is also WORKING...
It's funny, this morning in rehearsal I was thinking about B, and how much he would love playing the piece I am playing, how it would suit his musical energy. And I realized that aside from all the b*&*s*&* that happened, this man was my BEST friend for FIVE years, and I still really love him... *sigh*
When I see him, should I let myself feel that, or should I try to be NUMB? Do I put that special loving warmth into everything, or do I act kind of cool? Or ... loving, warm, yet vague??? You KNOW I love to PLAN AHEAD....
time for a quick nap, I've only gotten 8 hours of sleep in the past 2 days...
Hi, T. I'm still lurking here! I feel a little emotionally involved here, having followed your thread for so long. I appreciate your response to my thread--I'm doing much better these days!
I hope you think about what he fell for in the beginning -- your personality. It really comes through on these posts -- your optimism, energy, (see quote above!) and personality. I think everyone who reads your posts can see that. I hope you don't feel compelled to "hold back" or make yourself "numb." You've done many 180's, so now's the time to show that. It might make you feel vulnerable, but there's a difference between vulnerable and needy. Vulnerablity can be engaging and human. Needy is always a turn-off. I suspect you're not really _needy_ right now, given all that you've gone through, are you? Be positive. Be your bubbly self. Be the person who he was attracted to and that he misses.
