Our refi somehow went wonky when the woman who handles the signing told me H has to be there as well because he co-owns the house--apparently this lender is quite picky about this. I couldn't get a hold of H, and she told me that she could come in on Sat. AM to meet him and have him sign--that I just needed to call her cell number. I called and called, and she never responded. I hope she's OK, but I hope even more that our deal hasn't been lost. This was the end of the time period allowed to get it all done, otherwise we lose the rate we locked in on.
Plus the kids are winding up at school, and we had the science expo and an art auction, and I think I might have a cold because I wasn't feeling too great.
And that was all on top of me going a little nuts in my head because I haven't heard from or seen too much of H this week. I left a v-mail about the final signing and asked for his help with other stuff--remained vague deliberately so he would call. He did and said he didn't want to be at the signing--this was obviously before we found out he needed to be there. I was so disappointed. Big red flag: EXPECTATIONS. I dwelled on it all day. I couldn't shake it off.
And he's tanning again, which always meant that he was going somewhere with ow. Asking him about it didn't do any good last Sat., because why would I believe him when he said he wasn't going anywhere? He came over yesterday and was noticably darker, so I asked again, and he said he wants to go somewhere fun but isn't going anywhere. I said, "I want to go somewhere fun. Let's go somewhere together." He was uncomfortable, but I continued, saying, "It would be so nice to get away together." He said, "Yes, it would be nice to get away." I grabbed him by the shoulders and said, "NO. I said it would be nice to get away TOGETHER." He said, "Yes, I was agreeing with you. That would be great. But I know how I am." I have no idea what that was about. I said, "It would be nice to go away together and leave everything behind and just be thankful for every day we spent together." He agreed. Then he left.
So then I called Virago and went for a counseling/ tarot reading session. I walked in and she said, "You look funky. What's wrong?"
We talked for over an hour, and I realized that I have done some major backsliding recently. I got all crazy in my head letting my imagination run away with me, worrying aout money and the future of our R. I don't even know when I went off track, but I think it was just this week. I need to get focused again and put the brakes on all the negative thoughts whirling around in my brain. I went for a long walk last night and that helped.
So lesson learned: I need to go back to the beginning and really monitor myself for negativity. Get focused on my own growth and healing and not play the shoulda-coulda-woulda game. Stop wondering about where he is and who he's with and when he's going to get it together. Quit wishing and simply BE.
Those are my profound thoughts for the day. Be well, friends. Happy June!!!
