It's been a little over a year since I discovered W's PA. I am still married and still doing individual counselling. This has evolved from troubleshooting soul searching sessions, to rebuilding, and now is about becoming a powerful new person.
So in a nutshell I am doing great. I have become (and am becoming) a much better person to myself. I am learning to be a friendlier more outgoing person. I have changed from an uncertain knowledgeable, but quite person at work, to a confident leader. This is a big change for me, and I am proud of it! I have also managed to lower my stress, or at least the feeling of stress in my life. I honestly don't care if she likes the person that I am becoming. This is the new me, take it or leave.
On the relationship side. Things are going well. We are not fighting. I think in a lot of ways we have become better friends. Our communication is much better. Lovemaking is better. I think W's connection to me in the relationship is stronger. She seems happier. We are having fun together.
From my perspective I think we are better friends than before. I like the fun we are having together. I find my love is, however not deep felt and engaging or unconditional, as it was before. My love is being held at arms length. I suppose that could be an unconscious need to protect my heart. I think it may be more deliberate though.
So we are good friends, there is no unconditional love on my part right now. Maybe there will be in the future.
I find right now that in my thoughts, I ask the question; Am I happy? Do I want to be married to this girl? I don't know the answer to this. I suppose I am sort of happy. Things are good. I am not completely head over heals in love. In my mind the old marriage died with the betrayal.
The flip side of this was the betrayal allowed me to explore counselling and improve myself.
If I was the person I am now (one year ago) there is no doubt in my mind W would be out on her @ss. I don't need her or anyone else, money or assets to be the person that I want to be.
Weird eh? Though with each crisis I have faced in life, be it personal, health or marriage, I have found a way to grow or improve myself. I suppose I should not be surprised this crisis would be any different.
I think, though, it's normal to have an acute focus on the troubled marriage and the betrayer. In expending so much thought and energy on these things, we forget about ourselves.
My message; don't forget about you. I think we need to expend 70 -90% of our energy focusing on our individual growth and needs. Good Luck This forum helped me through a tough time. I hope this post is helpful to one or two of you.
