You are not the maid and/or babysitter for him. At this time, the house in your domain and he should be respectful in the fact that you require your privacy just as much as he's got his at the pirate's bat cave.
Thank you, this is so true. I don't intrude on his life and I don't intrude when he has the kids. I don't call him up at nighttime to make sure the kids are in bed. He is a bully and it's a damn shame the courts have not seen it yet.
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He's not only manipulating you, but he's doing the same thing to his child. This is not good. I can't help but wonder if this is what happened to him as a child.
I wouldn't be surprised, but why is it they do the same to their child when they themselves were hurt by these actions when they were young?
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I think this free time is to set you up so that he can find out everything you are or are not doing to use in court.
I think so too. I don't think he would be so into seeing the kids all the time once court is over and done with.
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He needs to learn respect, boundaries and above all else, how to play w/others in the sand box.
yeah, right now he's the bully on the playground. It's amazing he has any friends. Maybe his friends are the type that kiss his ass because they are afraid the bully would beat them up.
JA ++ I guess.....or in his case --. how do we upgrade JA???? Horrible man...can you see how me me me he is. The kids are nothing more than pawns. grrrrrrThat man pisses me off.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
i believe he loves them too...its just now its on their level of game playing and buddies. right now he is not father material.....your new "L" needs to point this out.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Mrs. H, Many of them will have "history repeat itself" in order to better understand what happened to them and why. That's why I mentioned that maybe the manipulation, control and bully tactics were used on him as a child. BTW, my xh did exactly what his father did to his mother many years ago.
It's almost like they have to go back to the exact time period to relive the experiences in order to get to the other side. They have to be the ones that react it to heal themselves, not realizing what they are doing to their own children. I know it doesn't make sense, but I've seen it a lot on this board and in real life.
The "friends" he may very well have right now are just like him. The flexing of his control muscles reminds me of someone who thinks they have something to prove to someone--age range? About 15-21. If he were a mature adult, he wouldn't be doing these things.
Of course you don't ring him up when he has the boys. You are the mature adult here. You aren't out there trying to scrape up some dirt on him to control him. Your h has a lot of anger issues to deal w and the only way he thinks he can get what he feels he is entitled to is to constantly be on your case. In other words, when he says "jump", you will ask how high.
I swear, I would be very tempted to say "JA, since you are always phoning the boys, dropping by and checking up on them, it would be to your benefit to move back home so that you can oversee their day-to-day care. I bet he would stop the crap in a heartbeat.
I still think he's doing all of this for show and nothing more. He looks at the boys as a possession and not as children and pawns in this evil, vindictive game he calls divorce and child custody. I really do feel for you. It's not easy what you are going through.
Please take care of yourself and continue to monitor those calls whenever you can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I swear, I would be very tempted to say "JA, since you are always phoning the boys, dropping by and checking up on them, it would be to your benefit to move back home so that you can oversee their day-to-day care. I bet he would stop the crap in a heartbeat.
Or maybe he would say yes. Why? Because then he won't have to give you child support, your spousal support will be based on what he would need to pay you based on a job you can get. Then he waits a year and divorces on the grounds of abandonment.
MrsH,
Just live your life, take care of your business and children the best you can and STOP giving this man so much power over your life. You are on the right track finding a new attorney. Just go with it.
Imp, Good to see you posting again. I've missed your "debatable" personality around the board.
Why would you think he would file for abandonment if she's still living in the house w/him? I never indicated that she should move out and get a job. My thoughts were for her to remain in the home and offer him up a room to move into, since it appears that he's calling and visiting more often than he normally has done in the past. I seriously doubt that he would take her up on the offer if he knew she wasn't moving out herself, unless he's crazier or more vindictive than I think he is. Of course, we know that given the situation and the way JA has been lately, Mrs. H, wouldn't make the statement. It's nice to think about doing something different, but it doesn't necessarily mean a person has to follow through on it. For example, whenever I use to receive certified/return receipt missives from my xh about nothing important, I use to think about how nice it would be run over his sorry self and put an end to the misery he as creating. Would I actually do it? No. He wasn't worth me spending time in jail.
Mrs. H will find a good attorney. I just hope that he/she is ready for the up hill battle of dealing w/her bully of a husband and will not allow his attorney to manipulate the situation even further. She's getting there, it's just taking her some time to get in touch w/the right one.
Mrs. H, I hope that tomorrow you'll be able to locate a reputable attorney and one who will stand up for you. Your lucky w/women lawyers is batting a zero average these days.
Please try to have a good day. I know you dread the ringing of the phone, but just let it ring. If it's important, they'll call back later. Spend today w/the children and just enjoy the day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You didn't indicate she should stay either. And if she had him come home, as you said, he would come home only if MrsH left. So there is only one possible way he would return and that is the only possibility I could deal with in my post.
But yes, MrsH is going about the change in attorney properly.
Since we are basically on the same page, do you have any pointers from a male perspective, as to what she should be looking for in a good lawyer?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did see how MrsH was going about the search and thought she and her father are doing well. The real big thing I saw is that the first two interviewed did tell her to drop her counterclaim, so I examined the NY grounds and they were spot on. So that is a must observation from any attorney. Also, ask how the change in tactics could affect the direction of settlement items. For instance, the judge was not going to allow a move to NJ. How will the change in tactics change that result. Of course, the remaining issues need to be addressed.
Next, one has to be a good client. This is business and requires a businesslike approach. One has to assume that the case will end in a divorce decree. And MrsH's business is to get the best possible resolution for herself and her children. Also, business and DBing are two separate things. Don't let emotions get in the way of business. There were times when MrsH let the emotional side get in the way of business and you cannot expect an attorney to do their best work under those circumstances. It also obfuscates the deficiency in the attorney.
Also, realize the attorney doesn't work in a vacuum. When I was back home last month, I stopped by my old neighborhood and showed my boys. Later I and my sister (whose H is an attorney and who I have had discussions about his business) about the old neighborhood and she said something about the sister of one of her friends who was a real bitch. Said bitch was a divorce attorney and other attorneys knew she would just beat anyone down until they submitted. This is extreme and I am sure said bitch would only take the clients with deep pockets, but attorneys are human too.
