I guess I am just not as afraid anymore - so I don't need to erect concrete barriers that a million feet think and a gagilion feet high. I feel like my core is stronger. I have more faith in myself. My sense of self is not as swayed by the opinions of others. That is not to say that I am never wrong - I am wrong at times - and that is okay too. I don't need to be right all the time to be comfortable with myself.
This is huge. I'm not there yet. I have learned that when I express my opinion and others start taking shots at it, that I don't have to defend myself. It's OK to let the conversation rest. My biggest 'aha' moment in the past weeks is that I have never truly forgiven myself. Working so hard to forgive everything and everyone else, I forgot that I was beating myself to death. So, with that realization, the walls have started to come down. I enjoy reading your thread, it guides me.
Before the outside board communication crack down, I remembered you posted an email address. I've sent an email to that address, I hope you'd don't mind.
Hope you're not working too hard! AO
I know when I express my opinion and someone disparages it - I do feel on the defensive and reactive. I still react when it comes to my mother! LOL! Other than that one - I try to take a step back and detach.
It is hard resisting that urge to reactively shoot right back at the person that takes a shot at me. In some ways managing people has helped me grow b/c I simply cannot get personal with the people that work for me - no matter how nuts they make me feel at times. It is easier b/c it is all via email! LOL!
When someone takes a pot shot at my opinion - I try to get into the mindset that that shot is at my opinion and try to depersonalize it... Sometimes it is personal... And sometimes...sigh...the other person is right... And I do try to figure out if it is a pot shot at my opinion disguised as a pot shot at me - which is tough if I am in an emotional state of mind... Life is too complex... I need to make a flowchart!
I have a tough time forgiving myself too... I just filed my last two patents from my "tummy ache nervous" list yesterday. And they were not "perfect." They were good enough - and they go the job done - but I don't feel the same sense of accomplishment b/c I know I "could have" - "should have" done my best...
I think if I can get to accepting "being good enough" - I will be more forgiving of myself.
And of course when it comes to my failed M - well I still view it as a personal failure. I am not use to failing - and well that may be why my confidence is shot when it comes to non-platonic R's...
I am rambling - I fried what was left of my brain cells with my first post on my thread....
