Hope4us struggle, part 4

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup.

I'll have to think on how I can show her I'm vulnerable also. I've thought a lot about how I could express to her that I'm taking a huge risk also by being willing to work on this marriage given that I'll ALWAYS have that little doubt in my mind even if we both fully recover, but there hasn't been a chance for it to come up in conversation.

Does she think I'll "lord it over" her for all eternity? Possibly. I know she hates it that she thinks I'm always right. Even though I'm not an engineer, I have that kind of mind. I think things through to their logical conclusion before saying anything. So if I say something, I've thought it through and am probably "right" about it. She is more of a feelings kind of person and thinks that way. So is this where she gets the feeling I'll always rub it in her face? Maybe. But given what I write next, there's not really evidence of it.

Pre-A I've shown her on many occasions that I'm a forgiving person. Take her STD for example. She never told me she had it until we'd been married for probably 10 years. She would just withhold sex for 2-3 weeks when she had an outbreak. It really started to affect our marriage because she would just say she wasn't in the mood or was tired and I took it as rejection. I mean, I get people aren't in the mood or tired sometimes, but when we averaged ML 3-4 times a week and then she would withhold for 2-3 weeks, I began to think there was something wrong in our marriage. When she finally told me about it she was convinced I was going to kick her out (that's where she's come up with the 'I looked at our finances years ago to see if I could afford to live on my own because I've been so unhappy' comment now to justify her unhappiness which led to the affair) but I was actually relieved that there was a reason for the draught's and I told her it didn't matter to me, I LOVE YOU and I'm not going to be with anyone else the rest of my life, so who cares. And then shortly after I discovered she'd passed it on to me. But I never again mentioned the STD to her. If she had an outbreak (which only happened once a year or so after revealing it to me) she would just say, "it's not a good time" and I would say, Ok, let me know when things are clear.

WW has also had some past experiences, done some things that most people would have trouble with and I've never let it bother me because I LOVE HER and what is past is past and I've never held those things against her. Heck, when we first got together she told me one of the things she loved about me was that I didn't hold those things over her and repeatedly bring them up when we'd have disagreements like her previous long term boyfriend had.


Since I discovered the affair, I've told her on many occasions that I can forgive the affair because I know how these things can happen, but she's going to have to show me that she's worthy of that forgivness by taking responsibility for her actions and not just me being blamed for causing her to have an affair (which she sticks to although it's been a couple months since she openly brought those marital issues up in defense of her Affair).

Can I forgive her? Yes. Can I get past her adultery? Yes. I told her at least 3 times after d-day that I haven't judged her for the affair, and I really haven't because I know how these things happen without you knowing before it's too late to turn back, but not if she doesn't take responsibility for her portion. I've stressed many times I take responsibility for the things that she's said I've done that led her to feeling vulnerable to having an affair and am working on those things everyday, but if she's not willing to face up to the fact that an affair is NEVER acceptable and show me some genuine remorse, even if you're unhappy in the marriage, I'm not sure I could ever forgive her.

I hope we're getting there. Like I've mentioned a lot the last couple days, the snappy times are fewer and further between and the good times are more and more. Just hope she figures out I'm not the enemy and will begin to open up to me soon. This is really getting wearisome to the soul.