tal, funny, the coming and going doesn't phase me a bit anymore. Honestly. I love that he feels comfortable to visit the girls and be in the house. Our pressure is off and the 'rewards' are paying off big time. He can come and go as much as he wants, as long as he is respectful.
H and I had a productive talk last night. He said "I so want you to be ok. I will do everything to make you ok". He is in a good place at the moment. We talked about the house I want on the street. He said he will help in any way, and offered to sign (in the D agreements) that he will pay off my car, pay for the D, and help with my house bills after the D. He ran numbers for me, and will help me write up a contract for this new house. Offered to help me stay in our house now, but I don't think I could afford it. Don't want to be totally house poor. Plus staying in my 'marital' house is wearing on me. I want to make something my own. My primary goal was to keep the girls on our street, and getting this other house will do that.
Two huge goals I have to do this week:
1. Make a mediation appt (blecky)
2. See a mortgage professional and write a contract for this house.
H wants to help me every step of the way, and I welcome the help. We had another discussion about him feeling comfortable if we moved. I want him to come and go (with boundaries obviously) to care for the girls so they can be in their beds on school nights next fall. He promises to try feel welcome and I will be committed to helping him feel that way. I wouldn't even care if he had a key.
I was planning on taking the girls to his brothers house tonight for a big party. He approached me last night and asked if it would be ok if he joined the party after he got off work. This is HUGE. He has been avoiding his family for months. I told him that would be fine, the girls would be thrilled to see him.
So.. you agree to divorce. He starts coming out of his cave; wants to provide for you and the girls and is reconnecting with his family.
Is this mind boggling or what? In a good but unusual way.
How do you do that..? How do you do it?
I let go some more, after my Eureka moment. My brother said it was like finding a nail in my flat tire.. that I still had to change the tire. That my life was still all about Kevin, not about me. I was just happy I found the nail. UGH
How do you get to the point you stop holding on? It seems like letting go has so many positive outcomes. Are you finding that, sweet lwb?
Any divorce work makes my stomach feel icky. Have you gotten any recommendations about who is good? Are you each going to have your own lawyer to go over the mediation proposals to make sure no one gives away the barn?
I guess I saw that holding on (or in my case...clinging on) wasn't doing any good for anyone. It was causing H to run harder and faster, to be meaner, and to just be ice cold with me. As if to say "Darnit, LWB, get the point!". Holding on for me was causing me so much pain, so much 'rethinking'...maybe I *am* that horrible person. Letting go has sooo many benefits, but I found it only comes on its own. I never outright tried to let go, it just happened.
I have found a good mediator and H is agreeable to whatever. We haven't gotten anything past that. But that is a good idea about having a 'once over'. Thanks gyspy.
You sounds so strong right now. Detaching I feel certainly helps us to find who we are, and what we want out of life and it sounds like you are headed there. HAve a good day.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Call done by 9:00am. Appt set for Thursday at 4pm.
We talked more last night. H claims he is so lost, thinks I am so strong. He said "I am a mess and you are fine with this". I told him one last time "I never wanted this D. I think we could repair this and be happy, truly happy. But I can't live like this anymore". I won't say it again, he heard me. He was the one that brought up the mediator, so I had to make the appt. My anger at the situation is pretty much gone, I am just sad now. Trying so hard to look at the silver linings.
I could postpone and stall this appt, but really. H hasn't said or done a thing in the last year to make it appear that he has changed his mind. Why wait any longer?
Things could definitely be worse. I've read some horribly heart-wrenching stories on here the past few days. I'm grateful that your husband wants to help you and your girls as much as he can. It's what he's supposed to do, but...
Originally Posted By: lwb
I could postpone and stall this appt, but really. H hasn't said or done a thing in the last year to make it appear that he has changed his mind. Why wait any longer?
You have too much to give. Too much love, too much heart, too much friendship to wait forever.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
(((HUGS))) my lwb. will be thinking of you. you do what feels right to you.
your h is lost. and a fool. a little lost fool. and he is right...you are strong. and good for you for having the strength to say yet again that this is NOT what you want.
mwah!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
