for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[seekpeaceofmind]

My house is officially on the market. I have mixed feelings but need to keep moving on with my life. I am trying to make the best of what is. I am frustrated abt the house sitch, b/c if we were moving together w/ both our incomes, we cld upgrade, but I cannot afford a better place on my own. The financial side of D is stressful - at least we have always lived below our means and saved quite a bit for retirement so it's not devastating to make the adjustment,just disappointing. I know th some have been forced into debt or bankruptcy and I am grateful to be in better shape than that.

I was struck by a thought last night. I went to hear a band (w/ my niece - v pleased she asked) and the singer spoke of a song she had written abt the end of a relationship and she said it wasn't really abt ending but new beginning. I thought - what am I beginning? All of my reading these past months has incl this theme - ending leads to beginning - letting go means opening oneself to something else coming in. I want a fresh start in my life. If it is going to chg drastically, why not also chg in a new direction of my own choosing? The only problem is th I have no idea what I want to pursue or how to go abt it. It's not like I have long repressed dream th I am now free to follow. I just know th I don't really want more of the same life th I already have - only w/ a big, gaping hole where H belongs. And so far, all of my GAL is really more abt ignoring th hole rather than the adventure of a new way of life.

Which leads to my 2nd realization this w/e. I need to accept th my M is over. He is gone. Maybe we can still reunite, but this M is broken and the pieces are swept away, w/ a few shards remaining here and there. I catch myself often thinking - I don't want D, I want H back. I swear these thoughts come up on their own - unwanted and unbidden. But, they represent resistance and I cannot afford that. I need to train my mind th this has already happened - no point in resisting b/c it is done. The M is past and the task now is to accept reality and focus on the present.