Thanks Snodderly: My question, does guilt and blame come hand and hand with depression? I have been so busy at work and with the kids, that I have not had much time to surf the web and read. I promise after next week, I will, but I feel like the guilt has overtaken my H. I could be wrong, but here is what happened yesterday:
I hadn't talked to H all week (except for thurs when he called to apologize for not being at the house to take d13 to practice---he thought she had a game).
Anyway, he called me late friday night. I did answer because FIL had a procedure done and I was worried it may be news about him. When I answered H just asked how d13 did in her game. When I told him how well she played he got quiet. I inquired about his dad...as well as mil who had surgery in late april and is still recovering. He gave me an update....and that was that.
Yesterday H called asking for d13. She was at practice. The practice ran long and we had to go get supplies for projects the kids needed to do this weekend. WHen I picked d13 up from practice she called H and told him we would not be home. He had to go to work....
He then asked what was going on sunday. She told him that she had her softball banquet late in the day and asked if he wanted to come. His response..."mommy didn't invite me."
Well I grabbed the phone from her and said no H, it is not that I didn't invite you...and he hung up. I tried several times to call him back to explain, and he would hang up. I finally got his vm and left a message with the following explanation:
H, it is not that I didn't invite you, I just made the reservation last night. I made it for one adult and told d13 if you didn't have to work then you can take her. I just didn't want to buy 2 tickets (they were expensive) in case you got called into work like has happened the last 2 weekends. Originally the jr. hight team was doing their own pizza party, not a banquet, so I never really thought we were going until d13's friends said they were.....and that the pizza party idea got canned.
H tm'd me, in a really mature way, "blah, blah, blah. You win. You made me look like the bad guy and put d13 in the middle."
I sent him one more tm that apologized for not telling him about it (even though I had just made the reservation the night before), but right now I can only live in the day to day.....and the shuffling the kids, and that was not on my radar. I think if I had seen him in person, I would have told him, but I was so busy transporting the kids and running, it didn't dawn on me. I know, my bad
My true intention was to have H take her or give him first option. S16 has a project to do and needs me to take him to do it, I have to get to the store and get food in the house, laundry needs to be done. I could use the time....D13 totally understood. I had told her this the other night when she said that she wanted to go. She knows I can't afford to buy a ticket and not use it as well.
Anyway, my phone battery died after receiving several more scathing tm's from H. I only replied that i was sorry. It was my fault. Trying to do too much. Bad communication on my part.
When i charged up my phone, I had a tm from H that stated "No it is all my fault. Everything was...is...Nothing left to discuss. You win. I am the bad guy. You are the martyr. Everything that went wrong is my fault. I didn't try hard enough."
So, not sure what to make of that. Is that guilt eating at him? Is he finally assessing the damage that he has done? I am not sure. I have not responded and don't intend on it. I am taking s16 to do his project and hopefully H will see d13 when I am gone. She is planning on asking him to take her.
I think part of the reason he is so quick to tell me I win, you take her (which in my eyes is not a win....not that I don't want to go, but I will be working 60 hours next week ...busiest week of the year...and really need the time to get things at the house together), is that he doesn't or can't be social with the people that will be there. It will be uncomfortable. Many of the parents were friends of ours prior to MLC....and know what has transpired. I think it is easry for him to be the martyr...then he gets to get out of the banquet and blame me.
UGH!!!! Snodderly, I really have been a good girl lately. I have stayed busy and put H aside to figure his life out. I just don't know if he will ever get out of this depression. It is so hard to see him like this. TO have him act like this. He is acting like a baby with the "mommy didn't invite me" and "blah, blah, blah."
In the past I would lose sleep over arguments like this. Last night I slept like a baby. There is absolutely nothing I can say to this man right now. I just don't know how he ever will come out of it.
