Overall (based on today's feeling) I would love to start a new relationship with H. Sometimes I think that I am different enough now that our relationship would be great. Sometimes I'm not sure how much I imagined that he loved me - maybe it was really crap for him all along - and then it just seems easier to meet someone new and with everything that I have learned from DB have a fantastic new relationship. I guess I'm open to either happening. But I haven't met anyone even remotely as a possibility.... and H hasnt made any real progress back to me - we've only just reduced the tension.
I guess I'm aware that my emotions still dictate my goals - so I'm fairly easily swayed. I cant commit to being committed to restoring our R though - its out of my control. It has to come from H....
Hmm mostly I'm detached - whatever is going on is up to him and no longer my problem to sort out, and I'm actually OK without him. But of course all interactions are still highly charged on the inside for me, even though on the outside I'm calm.
September is my big month. I cant anticipate how H feels - what he is thinking in regards to divorce - there is just no way of knowing which way he is swinging. After a year is up I think its time to say that I loved him, we had a great time together, and in the end we wanted different things, and I will be ready to move on. Until September I want to keep the door open to reconciliation - but I get impatient with just waiting, and am so hesitant to reach out, as Ive been disastrous with pursuing too much.
Good to type that out - not sure I'm any clearer though!! Ha ha!!
So I sent the text message - will wait to see if there is any response. In the end I figured I really have nothing to lose.
