Waw At full speed

[25yearsmlc]

TC,

She cares. She is scared s---less that she'll be rejected by them, because she DOES feel guilt. Unless she really is insane, (needing commitment) and I don't think she is because she's functioning in the outside world. Confused, "crazy", mixed up, YES. But she cares about the boys and is terrified her selfishness has hurt them too much for them to forgive her, ever. That's the only way I can understand it, but it's usually disappearing dads. I mean the ones who once loved their kids, played with and cared for and loved their kids, and then disappeared. (As opposed to the ones who never wanted to be dads, but the OTHER good ones, who changed and just fell off the face of the earth never to be heard from again. How could they do that to their kids and how could they do that to THEMSELVES? Such loss on both sides).

For those, and I've known a few, the guilt INcreases with time, so it is actually harder for them to pick up the phone as the years add up, and eventually they think it's a lost cause. Sometimes they don't want to disrupt the kids lives intruding belatedly and reminding them of the hurt they caused their own kids. Sometimes it is the selfless thing to do, once all that damage has been done. But I also think it's a cop out and a coward's attempt to explain.

But I think there are a lot who just can't handle facing the damage they've done, or the possible rejection they'll face when they show up 10 years later wanting a hug and a "new relationship" and want to "patch things up" as if it's a wound that needs covering. Or the dad who was never there, unless it was an official event, like a wedding (that he won't pay for, but wants to walk her down the aisle, or DID pay for and did his fatherly duties by check). MY question is again, HOW??

RE: Son's anger.....a toughie cuz they're entitled to be enraged, but just because it's natural doesn't make it healthy. Since YOU are trying hard to forgive, or at least not let the anger consume you, (which would be letting her ruin YOUR life), you can demonstrate this to your sons. Remember that your healing, and their healing, and letting go of the anger is FOR YOU. It has nothing to do with W, and she doesn't ever have to know. Forgiving her is a private internal matter. It's a healthy healing gift you MUST give yourself and your boys, by modelling it.
To put it in terms the boys may accept more, if they're miserable with their anger, then they're letting her "win", for lack of a better phrase. For now, assume she is in the Australian bush and cannot be reached... it does get better.

Good luck my friend,
J

PS FIB, I couldn't find you til now! Thanks for "calling" & I will check in tomorrow, Sunday. Hope all is well....enough.
((( j- )))