I often get glimpses of what a difficult person I probably am. I have spent a lot of time posting on this site about my disagreement with the conduct of others. I feel I have been one-sided and blaming. This is not good.
In my experience, blame is an outworking of underlying self-pity. By blaming, we often then, by default, put ourselves in the position of victim. Continual blame keeps us victims. Prompting others to cosign our blame then forms an even greater fortress of self-pity around ourselves and keeps us stuck. We, in fact, can end up building the walls higher and higher and become worse in our state of self-pity.
This does not happen all the time. It is merely a phenomenon I witness frequently. Including in myself.
So I suppose my point is to simply say that I contributed a great deal to the demise of my marriage. I often feel pain about having done that. It used to be at the level of self-loathing.... gladly, now it is far less frequent and far less intense. Probably healthier too.... perhaps it can even be safely called healthy self-assessment.
In my threads, I have been pretty hard on my ex, the OM, and Church. Not one of these people or groups were responsible or could control the factors that I contributed to the demise of my marriage. I am responsible for taking charge of my moodiness, anxiety, depression, addiction, alcoholism, temper.
I think I have said all there is to say for the time being about the wrongs and hurts of others. Perhaps time for a new thread with a new emphasis on dealing with my own wrongs.
I have got as close to blame and self-pity as I feel is safe for the time being.
