I'm sorry you are having a rough few days. It is perfectly normal given the anniversary. But these chasing-your-tail activities that are feeding your addiction aren't helping. You get a high asking for letters, writing them, scheming, etc.., and feel worse when you come back to reality. Continuing in this manner is flat-out self destructive. It will take you FURTHER AWAY FROM ANY OF THESE GOALS:
(1) being healthy (2) having a good coparent relationship (3) respecting stbx (4) having stbx question his actions (5) setting and enforcing more reasonable boundaries when it comes to Stbx's family (6) creating space for reconciliation in the VERY distant future (7) taking care of yourself, being strong and independent
If you are interested in these goals, quit trying to manipulate the situation. Manipulating has not worked the last 500 times. Additional tries will not be different. Leave stbx alone. There is no R there to repair. Quit messing with his friends and family. Use YOUR support system. Make it a bubble bath and go visit YOUR family and friends.
