I don't know if I can word this right..but I'll try.
You are a reminder to him...the kids are a reminder to him...not of something he wants to neglect or hurt...but a reminder of the person he is (or as he sees himself right now) This is a time of monumental dissatisfaction with HIMSELF. But when he sees you or the kids, he can't help but reminded of how he feels he's not only failed you all in some way (not that he has, but he sees that he has)..and even more important, how he's failed HIMSELF. See..we're right back to HIM, HIM, HIM.
Most of us take our WAS MLC way too personal. We're putting too much importance on ourselves and our families..and it's got very little precious to do with us. THIS is why he's hurting and neglecting you, but he sees it as only protecting or nurturing his own crippled little psyche. He's not thinking/feeling like a normal, healthy personality. The depression, thinking of your brother...these are all arrows to show you that he's doing some deep, deep thinking...and once again, it's about himself and his life and his fate...and nothing really to do with you. That doesn't mean that you and the kids won't be damaged by the fallout of his MLC..you are and will be...that's a given..unless you don't give a stitch about him, and I know that's not true!
This is why you have to concentrate on yourself and the kids. Concentrating on how hes been acting, what he's been doing,..over analyzing everything about his actions and words..(or inactions and words), will only serve to drive you bonkers, and will solve nothing and give you no solid answers to the questions you're asking.
You can't..you just can't expect him to act like he should. Doesn't mean you shouldn't want him to, but don't expect him to. The only thing you should expect of him is to take care of his share of the responsibilities. And you may have and extremely hard time to get him to do that little bit of 'dealing with reality'. It sounds easier than it is.
Of course he has done nothing to ask your forgiveness for!! LOL His actions have no consequences, or at least in his mind they shouldn't. He wants the life of someone much younger and less responsible. He wants to be able to feel free of any obligations other than what he feels he wants to deal with. He can not deal with things the same way a normal person does. He may feel that he's the only that has held the family together...emotionally and financially. Of course, you know this isn't true, but he's looking through completely different eyes than you are...and his are very warped right now. For you to mention to him that 'you forgive him', is like you slapping him in the face with 'you did me wrong'..and believe me, right now, he probably thinks that you're the only one that has done anyone wrong, and it was HIM that was wronged. Again...it's about HIM, HIM, HIM. You have to take yourself out of the equation.
Now..the part that gets me the most upset, is how the kids are affected by all of this. Mine were young adults, but it still has left a negative imprint on their lives. That's why it's very important that you make their lives as normal and full as you possibly can, and don't get your hopes up that your H will be there for you/them other than the bare minimum. Yes, it's selfish of him, and it's hurtful to them and you...but again, it's the only way that he can seem to live day to day.
I do feel sorry for my XH. I don't excuse him for the things he's done to this family, our marriage, the loss of our home, etc. But I do understand there are several different things that came into play that allowed such a thing to happen. And I've accepted that. Everyday I fight down the urge to feel resentful towards him, especially when I think he's living the high life while I struggle. But I'm just beginning to see and understand that what we 'assume' is usually not that close to the truth. So fight that resentment each and everyday, because it will come at you, each and everyday. Pretty soon, you'll see that it gets much easier to do. You'll just be able to sigh, shake your head in disbelief, and then remember that you've gotten much stronger and much more sure of yourself through all of this...and that is something NO ONE can take away from you. Your kids will see you as loving, caring and forgiving. They will see you biting your tongue when you'd much rather be cussing a blue streak..they will respect you without ever telling you how much..and they will be extremely proud of you as they become older and start to realize all that you managed to get through on your own.
They will always love their father, but that doesn't mean that they understand or like how he's been living and treating them. It's up to you to try to explain, without excusing your H, that their dad loves them very much, but right now in his life, his actions aren't showing it. And let them know that some day he will come to them, and he will ask them to forgive him..I'm sure he will. But it might be quite awhile, and quite a rollercoaster ride before he reaches that point.
You can't make it go any faster, you can't try to analyze why it's happened, or why he can't just 'fix' himself. We've all thought those same thoughts, and in the end, it's always the same
We just can't. You have to accept the present for what it is now, tuck away what the past use to be, and work towards and pray for a better and more loving future for you, your family, and if you decide to hang on, your husband.
Oh...and by the way, I'm sure you already know this...the affair didn't mean piddlysquat. So never let that affect your own self esteem and ego. It's something that happens more often than not with MLCers...because its all about THEM. We're not their biggest concern right now...they themselves are, and thats a fact.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
