Hope4us struggle, part 4

[Hope4us]

Like I've said before Pup, If they're talking/emailing/IM'ing it's at work and I have no way of confirming. I feel like she probably realizes the affair is over, but she just doesn't get that if they're still talking (if they are) that the affair is still going on.

She denied as recently as last Saturday that she's been in contact with him. I know cheaters lie. I know I've said this before also, but I'm going to act as if they aren't talking. But I am not going to let things go on this way forever. My original plan was if we're not making progress by July then I was going to give her the chit or get off the pot talk. And that still could be happening, but the last two days are a perfect example of her mood swings.

I mentioned before that on Monday when DS16 and I got home from our cookout/grad party she was pretty talkative and interested in family/friends news. Then yesterday she was pretty quiet. This morning before they left for work/school, DS asked about going to DisneyWorld in August. I asked WW if we were going. We had discussed briefly this past weekend and she said she'd have to check to make sure she could get vacation.

So this morning I'm on my way to a meeting (how's that, on vacation and get a meeting scheduled I'm required to be at) and WW TM's me and asks the dates, tells me she's got them off and finds flights pretty cheap. I made the reservations for the hotel and made the flight reservations and let WW know about it. She's all excited. Once I got home and signed on she starts IMing me about the trip etc.

Here's what I think is going on. WW is still probably in contact with OM, but on a limited basis (but I could be wrong there. Both boy's expressing their displeasure with her could have been enough to get her to end contact). It's probably just "how you doing" type stuff once in a while. I think she's honestly seeing how things will go with us. I've seen quite a few baby steps and some more than baby steps the last few weeks. I know any contact with OM will make it so it's very hard for her to respond to me, but it seems like it's slowly happening. Like you mentioned in your sitch, it took your wife 3 months to finally get it. I'm going on 8 weeks of supposed NC. As long as I know they're not in physical contact I can be patient. So we'll see if things continue to progress, maybe too slowly for me, but progress none the less. In the next few weeks I'm going to press her on reading "not just friends" and "after the affair" and see what she says. If things keep making slow progress ( I have some goals in mind) then we'll go on our family vacation in August. This will be a good bonding experience for all of us. If things aren't moving forward by then, I'll make my move.

I know you'll probably say I'm avoiding again, but like I said before, WW is the queen of stubbornville, so I just feel like I need to continue to GAL, show her how it can be with the FAMILY and let her figure it out on her own. I now see this August vacation as the lynch pin. If we're not moving forward to my satisfaction by then, we'll have the talk.

Rambling, I know, but it makes sense in my mind.

[lost_in_space]

H4U

We had a family trip in May. I think it may have ticked WW off - or planted more guilt, not sure which. Had a relatively good time during day. At night, WW tended to withdraw (went to bedroom by 9pm two nights in a row while me and 3K's watched movies - may have been the laughing). Family trips can be interesting at this point in life for sure.

Probably didn't help that I missed the flight home (car rental delays) - everyone else made it (I dropped them off). I got a "there better not be a next time for that" when I did get home. :-)

[hopeful4her]

H4U, it sounds like your going through normal emotions. You have been strong. You have found your patience for the most part. You DO love your wife and that is why you are doing what you've been doing.

BTW, have you heard anything from DoingMyBest?

[Hope4us]

Thanks guys.

WW surprised me again tonight. Came home and is being pretty decent. We discussed something about our trip in August and she said, well, if we're going back to Disney in Oct, it makes sense. I had made a reservation for Oct a while ago. WW and I have gone to Disney in Oct, just the two of us for probably the last 6-7 years. I told her a while back I was going to make a reservation and was going and if she wanted to join me great. She said at the time "you can make the reservation, but this in no way means I'm going". Well, now she's going.

More baby steps. I keep thinking it's been almost 8 weeks since her claims of NC and the last couple have been getting better and better so hopefully she'll continue to come around.

I last talked to DMB one day last week. He's still moving forward with his divorce, but last he said, his wife was saying some things about maybe making a mistake. I don't want to speak for him so maybe I'll send him an email and see if he'll post an update.

[kat727]

H4U, it sounds as if she IS making some positive babysteps in your direction. I am really happy for you. Do your sons notice any changes? Is she being polite to you in front of them too? Just curious since I am a "kat" you know. lol
kat

[Hope4us]

Thanks Kat. It does seem that way. I'm not getting too excited though because I've thought this before, and been burned. My oldest is away at school, so the only way he would "see" any changes is through phone calls or TM's. I haven't been talking to DS16 much about it because I don't want to burden him with stuff he shouldn't have to deal with. But on our way home from the cookout/grad party on Monday he wanted to talk so I let him. He had the same concerns as me that OM was coming to visit and that's why WW didn't want to go along, so I think he was surprised in a good way when we got home and it was obvious she hadn't gone anywhere. And yes, she's been polite to me in front of him. Of course, he's a teen so he spends a lot of time in his bedroom, but he's seen her being ok with me lately.

Last night after I posted WW came into the family room and just stood at the end of the couch for a minute or so. It was like she wanted to say something, but couldn't bring herself to. Then she sat down and alternated staring out onto the deck and staring down at the ground with her hand up by her face. Again, it was like she wanted to say something, but couldn't bring herself to. About 20 minutes later it was time for the NBA playoffs, so I went up to bed to watch and left her alone.

This morning she came downstairs and was pretty talkative. Again, seems like we're making some progress, but I'm not getting my hopes up too high. One good thing about not getting my hopes up is that I won't push which is the last thing she needs right now.

Loving detachment. Patience, Patience, Patience.

[Hope4us]

Another ok night at home. WW was fairly talkative when she got home, but in keeping with my GAL activities, I went out not too long after she got home.

I got home shortly before 8:00 and we had a Lost night. DS16 is a Lost fanatic and it was the season ender.

DS19 comes home for the weekend today. It'll be good to see him. WW is taking vacation today and I'm finishing up my weeks vacation so we'll be home all day together, unless she has plans she hasn't told me about.....which is entirely possible. She didn't even tell me she was taking vacation today.

We'll see how the day goes and let you know. If she had something to say the other night, today will give her a lot of opportunity to share!

[kat727]

Is this a case of no news is good news? Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.
kat

[Hope4us]

Well Kat, it's been wierd. Friday she was fine in the morning and went shopping. I asked her if she was going to be home in time to take DS19 and his friend to lunch with me. She said if she was home she would, but don't wait for her if she's not home. She gets home about 3 hours later and is pissy. What woman goes shopping and spends a couple hundred on new clothes and comes home pissy? I asked her what she got and she said "clothes". I told her I realized that, but what clothes? "Clothes". Ok, I can tell that convo was going nowhere so I let it drop. About 20 minutes later she grabs her purse and leaves without saying a word.

DS19 and friend get to our house and I take them out to a late lunch. The "friend" is a girl, but not his GF. But boy oh boy is she interested in him. I wanted to pull him aside and tell him about emotional needs etc, but I didn't. His GF goes to a different school and this friend goes to his school and they spend a lot of time together. Uh oh. Anyway, we get home from lunch and WW is home. I walked in and said, "I think....." and WW says "I don't want to hear it". I said "do you know what I was going to say"? She says "what"? So I told her I thought the friend has a crush on DS19 and she said she figured that's what I was going to say. So why would she say "I don't want to hear it" when I was going to tell her the friend has a crush on DS19? Make her feel guilty?

Night ended with the boys and I watching the second National Treasure movie with WW upstairs in the bedroom watching T.V. I played a golf tourney today and was being picked up at 4 am so I went upstairs and told WW to just sleep in bed and I would take the couch since I had to get up so early. She seemed pleased by that.

Played golf and got home at about 5:00. DS19, WW and I went out shopping for stuff for the apartment DS19 is moving into in a couple weeks when the school year ends. Had a good time. Picked up pizza on the way home. When we got home, WW goes inside and DS19 and I carried the stuff in. WW says "I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE BRINGING THE STUFF IN". I asked her why we would leave it in the car? She said "I don't know". I said "I guess I didn't think it made sense to take the stuff back to school tomorrow when he goes back and then turn around and move it to the apartment in two weeks". She starts slamming stuff around, grabs some pizza and goes to the bedroom to eat it. WTF?

But....10 minutes later she comes down to smoke and is all friendly and talkative about our sprinkler system starting on it's own today and the garage door not working, and then working without anyone doing anything. I told her I thought maybe the storms we had go through last night probably just messed them up some but they are ok now. WTF again?

Can anyone say menapause? MLC? I've never seen mood swings happen so quickly in all my life.

But to answer your question Kat, yes, having a wonderful weekend. Great seeing DS19 and had a blast golfing today. And the beer cart girl was HOT, HOT, HOT. That did wonders for my PMA but not for my golf game. I just had to buy a beer everytime she came by so by the 12th hole I wasn't playing my best, but boy was it worth it!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U,

Your wife, to me, is acting like a woman who realizes she may have lost them BOTH.

She seems totally overwhelmed, and wracked with guilt, and probably seething underneath at what she would say is your "saintliness."

To me (and this is just a guess), it's over with OM, but not by her doing. She's acting just like a wayward spouse who's been DUMPED by their paramour, and now doesn't know how to find their way back to their marriage, or if she even wants to.

Puppy